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It's hard right now because my son has been battling brain tumors...
They seemed so "hungry" for "anyone."
I definitely feel "lost" without my husband. But I haven't lost all my senses! I know I'm not ready to date yet.
CArizona...wow. Prayers for your son! That has got to be incredibly difficult. I hope he is blessed with health and healing.
And about those hungry men, looking for anyone...yes. That's the type to avoid!
I had a long marriage...over 28 years married, 30 together. It is very, very strange to be a "me" instead of a "we". But I also feel like I'm on a voyage of self-discovery and the wonderful thing is that I'm discovering...me. And I like what I'm learning!
SeeingJane..Thanks for your caring post and prayers for my son. I really admire you! It sounds like you have reached a comfortable and peaceful plateau...I have to stop myself from saying "we." There is no one else here now except me and the cats! But I'm starting to get used to it.
Have dated a widow, but not a divorcee with children. She had been widowed 4 years at the time, then age 37. She said she had had a "really good marriage." I thought she was full of it. I didn't hear many great things about her deceased husband except that (1) her father ignored him when they were first dating, and (2) he came driving down the freeway at 90 mph when she was hospitalized once (most husbands would).
Her dad did NOT ignore me. I knew her while I was a teenager. I thought what a great catch. I found out otherwise.
You'll know when you've worked through it and when you give the vibe that will pull someone in.
One of my friends said that she ran into a lot of widows who put their husbands up on pedestals a few years back when she ran a "dance club." She couldn't understand this...And I know she has trouble understanding how I felt (and still feel) about my husband..It's different for my friend because she got divorced early in life and never remarried. Her husband left her for a younger woman and she is still pretty bitter about it. (Decades later.)...So in her mind husbands and men just aren't worth "fretting about." She has sort of a "good riddance" mentality...She's never been part of a happy marriage and her relationships didn't work out after her divorce. At some point she just stopped dating and "gave up" on men entirely...Anyway I guess we can't always understand what we've never experienced ourselves. My friend probably thinks that me (and other widows) live in some type of "fantasy world" that isn't grounded in reality. It's hard for her to believe that anyone can be happily married. It all seems like "baloney" to her!...She told me to "get over it" a month after my husband had passed away. And she told me to hurry-up and grow-up. (Because this is what she had to do after her husband left her.) ...I had to pull-away from my friend for awhile in order to grieve in my own way for my husband. (She actually got mad at me back then because I didn't follow her advice!)...We just got "back together" recently. She is still a "tough cookie" but I think "losing me" did teach her a few lessons.
What my current BF does, that is working well for us, is that he rarely talks about his wife. She is gone. We talk about our current life, but we don't talk about the future either, which is good too. Maybe good thoughts for those who are moving foward in their lives and relationships. That does not mean he never mentions her, obviously she was a huge part of his life for over 40 years. But he does not talk about her much.
jasper12..Good that you and your BF do so well together. I'm probably too curious for my own good at times and full of questions. I enjoyed hearing about the "good times" my husband had with his first wife before problems set in later on...And I was curious about why they had problems too. My husband tried to look at things from both sides and this impressed me. He didn't just "blast" his first wife like some men can do. It was obvious that he tried to learn and grow from his past mistakes and this drew me closer to him...For some reason it made me happy to hear about his life with his first wife and kids. I wanted to know everything about him and his past...And he was interested in hearing about my past too. (Even my earlier marriages and relationships.)..We felt secure with each other and the people from our past were just part of our history...It would be hard for me to be in a relationship where I had to keep "mum" about things. I'm just too curious. I don't want to be in the dark or miss out on anything! This is my basic nature I guess...If I ever do decide to date again I guess I'll need to find someone who is like me. (Most men probably aren't.) ..Everyone probably thinks that I ask too many questions. But I just like to "be in the know!" And go "in-depth." (Maybe it all stems from being a writer and reporter etc. Not sure!)
See, I don't think I need to know all about his relationship with his wife, that seems to be very personal. He was very much in love with her, and still sad when he talks about her. It would seem to be quite a downer to go there. Maybe being "in-depth" on some things is just not appropriate. Let people tell their own stories, in their own time. There is a difference between being in a relationship, and being a reporter...sure, things come up...he is not "mum", and I am not jealous...but it is just once in awhile...really, that is fine. The last thing I would want is a "menage a trois" relationship with a person who is dead, who I did not even know.
jasper12...Thanks for writing. I think we're all different and this is how it should be. We all have different wants and needs and ways etc. And it's great when we find a mate who seems like a good match for us in as many ways as possible!.. My husband was curious too! We were both pretty curious people. So we were a good match! If I tried to be involved with a man who was more closed it wouldn't be a good match for either of us...I come from a family of "storytellers." I heard all about the sailor my Mom almost married and how my Dad "won out" in the end. Everyone was really open and expressive in my family. And my husband fit right in because he liked to share stories from his past too..If one of his stories included his first wife my parents didn't care. They were fine with it because they knew he loved me. Sometimes it's hard to omit a character who plays somewhat of a role in our story...I ended up "adopting" my first husband down the road. We were both only children. Later in life we became like cousins or brother and sister or ?? My last husband and my first husband became friends too. We hung-out together a lot along with my younger son. My first MIL "adopted" my last husband and treated him with love as a nephew. We all spent Christmas Eve together each year at my first MIL's house...Then we all went to my parent's house for dinner on Christmas Day. (Me, my last husband, my first husband and my kids!) Guess we were a bit unorthodox but it worked for us!
According to studies, Women are not emotionally free and emotionally prepared to start a new physical relationship until 1 month for every year they were with their spouse, so in your case, 24 months minimum.
According to studies, Men are the opposite. So a guy in a 24 year marriage is ready to start a new physical relationship 24 months before that 24 year marriage ends.
CArizona, I suppose, but just realize that maybe in the beginning of a new relationship, when you are ready for one, that maybe that is the time to create new memories.
True, people are different. But I can't imagine a man who would want to hear stories about you and your spouse all the time. If that is where you are at, it is too soon for you to date, INMO.
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