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Reading these life stories reminds me of something I heard once, something that's stuck with me ever since.
Namely, that once you turn 21, it's your own life to live. That's when you stop blaming your parents for everything and make your life your own. If you're aware of something your parents did wrong, then do it differently when it comes time to raise your own children. If you know what contributed to your parents's bad marriage, then don't do it in your own.
In short, rational, thinking adults have the ability to analyze the past with an eye towards the future. And blaming your parents without actually avoiding their destructive behavior in your own life just means repeating the same mistakes from generation to generation.
Well, truer words have never been spoken, right? Maybe this is the challenge for all of us, to sit on the shoulders of the generation that preceded us; to do a little better than what we were shown. But I don't think any of us bats 1,000, even if that means overcompensating, or over-correcting, in order to avoid the self-destructive behavior of our parents; just the generally destructive behavior; 'cause, as parents as we go shall go our kids, at least until they have the wherewithal to figure out how to right our destructive behavior..
I know in my life, I've been successful in some areas and not in others. After two frivolous, disingenuous marriages right out of the gate, (if you blinked you missed them), I am in what is by my standards, a good marriage. We love and like and respect each other; something I saw little of in my parents' marriage. We try to keep our tribulations to ourselves, away from the kids, and I can say that at least on my end, I love my wife more today than I ever have..
But when you see everything collapse around you from a young age, you believe it's the natural order of things. You expect things to fall apart. And worse, you probably do things aware or not, to sabotage your relationship. Kids do make you think twice about this though, and hopefully you catch it before it's too late. In this, not only have I not batted 1,000, I'm lucky to still be on the squad. Truth be told I've been blessed, I just got stupid lucky. Maybe the fact that my wife is about the exact opposite in this regard was the saving grace..
Last edited by Mr. Humble; 03-28-2011 at 11:04 AM..
Reading these life stories reminds me of something I heard once, something that's stuck with me ever since.
Namely, that once you turn 21, it's your own life to live. That's when you stop blaming your parents for everything and make your life your own. If you're aware of something your parents did wrong, then do it differently when it comes time to raise your own children. If you know what contributed to your parents's bad marriage, then don't do it in your own.
In short, rational, thinking adults have the ability to analyze the past with an eye towards the future. And blaming your parents without actually avoiding their destructive behavior in your own life just means repeating the same mistakes from generation to generation.
I so agree with you, cpg! That's why I broke the chain of dysfunction with my kids. Those of us that had bad childhoods have the power and we are not victims anymore. It gets to a point that we have to look at our lives and change it to what we need and deserve.
I know a couple of years ago, I would never in a million years tell anyone about my parent's illnesses. I was too ashamed and wanted to keep it in the closet because I thought people would judge me. But I look back at my life and there are many positives through the hardships.
I do think, though, that some of my earlier thinking and actions were because of my upbringing but I had to learn to change my way of thinking. Do I blame my parents on my life - absolutely not! I made all the decisions and I have to live with them.
I had a girlfriend who's parents were like that. They were married but weren't in love. They slept in separate rooms and hardly spoke to each other, only when it came to bills and money did they speak. It really hurt the morale of the household and you can feel the depression just lingering in the air. No one in the house was comfortable. I guess that kind of contributed to my ex-girlfriends anti-social behavior.
Reading these life stories reminds me of something I heard once, something that's stuck with me ever since.
Namely, that once you turn 21, it's your own life to live. That's when you stop blaming your parents for everything and make your life your own. If you're aware of something your parents did wrong, then do it differently when it comes time to raise your own children. If you know what contributed to your parents's bad marriage, then don't do it in your own.
In short, rational, thinking adults have the ability to analyze the past with an eye towards the future. And blaming your parents without actually avoiding their destructive behavior in your own life just means repeating the same mistakes from generation to generation.
I agree completely, having a bad childhood isn't a free pass to act poorly.
I've never have or ever will use my less then stellar childhood as an excuse to justify bad behavoir on my part.
You are correct in that people need to take ownership, so to speak, of the decisions they make. I've seen a lot of bad choices that friends and family member have made, and to be honest, I think that some of these people didn't seem to care about it.
My family life was not great. My parents are still together but it was a marriage that I thought should have been split. However there was so much abuse from my mother towards me that if they has split the other 3 kids would be able to live with her but I would not be able to. My mother was physically, verbally and mentally abusive towards me. For some reason she hated me. I was told she wanted to put me in an orphanage at the age of 5. Where ever my dad went I had to go. I remember my mother and father fighting in the hallway of our house. My dad was always my protector and I guess that made my mother mad.
At the age of 14 that changed. My father ( who by the way was a Baptist Preacher, but was not preaching at this time) became my abuser. He approached me one sunday and told me he had been reading this book about a father and daughter having sex. He started touching me. I was able to get away without it getting too far but the damage was done. I didn't go home until my sister got home and then went to church with her that night. Of all things the Preacher preached on was "Children obey your parents". I got up and ran out of the church. The abuse became worse, now I was being called a *****, ****, and my mother was saying go F*** your Daddy. My father was now siding with her on everything she said about me. He hit me if my little sister got upset because she got in trouble and I didn't, so he would come after me and punch me. I went to work one night with a black eye and a busted lip from my father. My boss transferred me to a different town and I left that night. I finally got up the courage to say something the Pastor of their church about my father when I learned that he was going to be the youth pastor. He encouraged me to tell my mother, she said to me " well he is human" What? How dare you say that! So she knew the whole time.
How did this affect me first of all, I tried to kill myself as a teen. I thought about running away and thought about going to Las Vegas because being a prostetute couldn't be as bad as living where I was living. But that is the mind of a 14 year old in crisis. I have been in abusive relationships. I let men run over me because I didn't want to be like my mother. My first marriage ended with me being very understanding. My second marriage I married a very controlling man who was very abusive verbally and mentally. He was a womanizer, and tried to teach my children to disrespect me. He kept me away from anyone in my family for 6 years. Had affairs. I finally got out of that 7 years and 3 children later but I wouldn't change it because I don't regret my children. During that marriage I was sexually assulted by a Doctor, who later I found out had assulted 20 other women.
I married again, only to divorce again after a year. He was after the money from the law suit. Marriage was annulled. Stayed single for 16 years. I had several men ask me to marry them during that time. I would just run the other way. No way in Hell was I going through that again.
I tried to be a good mom but I know that some of my upbringing spilled over, but I do think I broke the cycle of abuse.
I was diagnoised with a brain tumor 4 years ago and have been losing my eye sight off and on for the past year.
2 years ago we planned a family reunion. I asked If I could catch a ride with my little sister to my older sisters, so I could go, since I lose my eyesight and my husband couldn't go. My little sister told me to drive myself. I found out that my mom and sisters didn't want me to go. My dad said the only reason I wanted to go to the reunion was so that my uncles (his brothers) couldn't get to know my sisters. Those are words that came from my mom, words i have heard her say before. She hates my uncles like she hates me. There have been times that I have not been around the family for quite some time while I was married to the kids dad. But for the past 16 years I have been around. I was told did you really think you could just come back to the family? I have not spoke to anyone in my family in over 2 years now.
I can't say that I love my Parents anymore. My mother lashed out at my youngest daughter and even told me I should have had her aborted. She told me when she died I was not welcomed at her funeral. I told her that was fine. I really don't know how I would feel about her dying.
Now I am 48 years old and have dealt with this half a life time. I have tried counseling and I was doing okay for awhile. In the past 2 years no I haven't been. Family has always been so important to me, and I have missed them and cried alot. My Son told me something very Smart " Mom how can you miss something you have never had"! He is right, I was never a part of the family, I was just an outsider looking in. Wishing I could be a part and that they wanted me!
I am married again almost 3 years, we have been together 8years. We have some issues. Mostly we are tired because of the medical. Just when I got my kids almost raised life throws another curve ball at you. But he Loves me and I love him and that is what counts.
Sorry for the Rambling, I don't write as well as I used too. Something about where my tumor is. Makes it hard for me to put words into sentences right.
Last edited by lamarto40; 07-10-2012 at 07:51 AM..
Reason: clarify
Obviously no one can compare to mommy , but at at least someone similar would be nice
IMO, men do not look for somebody similar, they look for mommy again. In which case they should just stay home with her because no woman is ever going to compare in the first place.
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