How Has Your Upbring Effected Your Relationships? (lesbian, guys, cheaters)

[WestCobb]

My parents did not have a happy marriage. My mom and dad fought incessesantly, and my mom straight up did not like my dad. She called him stupid and just showed him utter disrespect. They seperated when I was 10. Even at that age, I was relieved. The constant fighting was just too much to deal with.

Despite that, I am happily married today. I've been with my wife for 20 years now, and I adore her. Couldn't imagine life without her. I think a big part of our success though is that she comes from a happy home. Her parents are an extremely neat couple. They genuinely enjoy each other's company. They've been married for over 30 years and are still going strong. My wife taught me a lot about how people should relate to each other. When we first got together, I thought that it was just normal to yell and scream when you disagreed with your significant other. She taught me, no, it does not need to be that way. Two people can co-habitate and still show each other mutual respect, even in the moments they're not seing eye to eye.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by Big-Bad-John

I was fortunate to grow up in a happy home. My parents are STILL married after more than many on here have been alive. That taught my sister and I what is needed to have a successful and happy long term marriage. The trouble is, many aren't on the same page as I am!

I came from a happy home. There are 4 of us. We are all married and all married now 25 years or more. All of us have children, at least 2. (Total of 12 from the 4). Our parents were married almost 50 years.

The first 15 years were good financially but my parents had 1 child die 5 days after birth, I was born at under 2 pounds (26 weeks) and spent 10 months in the hospital. That was financial stress. After the first 15, things went south financially and in those days, you didn't have the options you do today. But, they were wonderful parents and the things that mattered - we got that. We spent time together as a family and we are still close today. Most of us hang out together also.

[JustBeingMe404]

I guess I'll sit on the couch next... lol.

My childhood was pretty rough, and it has had a tremendous impact on my relationships.

My biological father was murdered by my mother's new boyfriend when I was just two years old. My mother later married the man who would raise me, my stepfather, when I was 7 years old. He had 2 children, and a year later, they had another together. I had a very difficult time making the transition into the stepfamily (though we never used the word "step" in our family). I had a hard time accepting that I was no longer the baby of the family, or my mom's baby girl. That was rough.

My father (stepfather) was very abusive to me and my mother. Although I had 4 sisters, I was the only one who ever got beat, and any time my mother tried to speak up or intervene, she got it too. Of course, that led to feelings of guilt, hatred, fear, instability, and exposure. I never felt covered or protected, never felt stable... always blamed my mother for not being able to protect me. It was just horrible. Prior to the marriage, it was just my big sister and me, with my mom. When they got married, my sister went to live 1500 miles away with her godparents. She eventually came back, but the seeds of abandonment were already planted at that point. Then, when she graduated high school, she joined the air force, once again leaving me to fend for myself.

My mother, I supposed tired and worn down from all the abuse, turned to drugs and alcohol, and was an addict from the time I was 12 (well, that's when I found out about it) until I was 21 when my father (stepfather) died of leukemia. Life was really hard for us, as my mother couldn't work because of her addiction. My father was a postal worker, supporting the family by himself. We weren't poor, per se, but drugs are pretty expensive and so are kids. We didn't have much, but we always ate and had decent clothes to wear and a roof over our heads.

When my father died, my mother returned to the church, quit everything cold turkey, moved to the south, paid off all their bills (they had horrible credit, of course), bought a house in cash, bought a car in cash, and began to live a normal life. She remarried about 7 years later, and she and her husband now enjoy a very happy, healthy marriage. He knew my mother when she was drugged out, and loved her anyway.

I have an adopted daughter, and all I can say about that is that if I had it to do all over again, I would do it all very differently.

As for relationships, I could use some help in that area. LOL. I'm in my 30s, never been married, no biological children. I have a good job, a degree, I'm attractive, physically fit, intelligent, and independent. However, I am very needy. I require a lot of attention and affection, and anything that makes me feel unsafe or unstable is an automatic dealbreaker. I have a fear of rejection and abandonment, so I tend to break up with a guy for no good reason at all... or at least that's what people tell me. LOL.

[TabulaRasa]

Everyone's upbringing affects how they relate to others. For better or worse, that's how it is.

In my case, I derived far more that's positive than negative from growing up in the household I grew up in. Some of the positives I gained from my upbringing:
-Commitment...parents are coming up on 40 years of marriage...no cheating, no huge drama.
-Realistic view of marital ups and downs...things weren't always smooth sailing. Folks ran a mom and pop business for decades, with all the financial ups and downs that entails. Monetary stress was a definite presence in most of my childhood, and financial worries, as usual, equalled marital stress. I did learn, though, that going through rough patches doesn't have to equal "marriage over."
-Top-notch parenting. I was raised by people who genuinely loved being parents, and were active, involved, and tuned in to their kids without hovering, being overly protective, or being ultra-controlling. They treated us with respect, taught us to treat others with respect, had reasonable boundaries, trusted that we'd respect them, which we did, as we had no reason not to. They were rewarded with four good kids who gave them essentially no grief and stayed out of trouble.
-Had the importance of dedication and perseverence drilled into us on all fronts. I was indoctrinated early on that, pretty much in all contexts, don't bother if you're not going to give it your all. We didn't have money, my parents could in no way set up college funds for four kids on small business owner's pay, yet we all graduated with honors from good schools and had good enough grades to get it mostly paid for in grants and scholarships.

The main negatives from my upbringing that come into play in my adult life have to do with growing up fairly isolated... My parents didn't do much socializing, mainly because my dad is and was a bit of a loner, keep-to-himself type who really enjoys his family, but doesn't feel much of a need to go outside it for socializing. My mom is more social, but she always deferred to me dad/more or less gave up on cultivating "couple friends," because my dad wasn't into it. I see some hints of that in myself...I'm more the homebody, and when I do want to go out and do things, I'm more than happy to do them with my SO and less likely to seek out social events with groups of other people. I grew up on a farm out in the middle of nowhere. We didn't have friends out often, we pretty much entertained ourselves. I'm still kinda that way, for better or worse. I just didn't grow up with social lives outside of family being seen as that important to cultivate.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

My parents did not have a happy marriage. My mom and dad fought incessesantly, and my mom straight up did not like my dad. She called him stupid and just showed him utter disrespect. They seperated when I was 10. Even at that age, I was relieved. The constant fighting was just too much to deal with.

Despite that, I am happily married today. I've been with my wife for 20 years now, and I adore her. Couldn't imagine life without her. I think a big part of our success though is that she comes from a happy home. Her parents are an extremely neat couple. They genuinely enjoy each other's company. They've been married for over 30 years and are still going strong. My wife taught me a lot about how people should relate to each other. When we first got together, I thought that it was just normal to yell and scream when you disagreed with your significant other. She taught me, no, it does not need to be that way. Two people can co-habitate and still show each other mutual respect, even in the moments they're not seing eye to eye.

That's how it should be.

I don't think my mother really understood my father. She grew up in a more matriarchal home--lived on a farm. Everybody worked--too tired or not inclined to talk much--highly moral people--to my way of thinking a bit too much--it worked for them.
Anyway--'That is just how men are' was the attitude --a cross to bear.

And the Men--said the same and rolled their eyes or got up and left.

My friend's father was the first man that I met that really loved his 'Little Lady'. At the drop of a hat he would tell you that he picked her out and wouldn't give up until she agreed to go out with him. That really inspired me.

[mir86]

hmm..these stories are all very intersting.

My parents were married for a long tme, 20 years, but my parents always always fought and argued. By the time we moved to Arizona, I think they started sleeping in seperate rooms. I remember my brothers and I would hear them bickering about stupid stuff and we would say to each other "why don't mom and dad get a divorce already? they hate each other!" lol.

After a while, I thought a normal marriage meant sleeping in seperate bedrooms after a while and hating each other eventually too. I think my dad really did love my mom, but my mom, even though she cared, definitely didn't love my dad anymore so eventually my dad stopped doting on her. He was more affectionate than my mother, by far. We still had a good childhood. I got to travel a lot and had a ton of friends. Some who had parents who are still happily married so fortunately I managed to keep some good examples around. I still got to participate in all sorts of activities and my mom always got us scholarships to summer camps. We didn't have video games and we always played outside too.

As for how my parents were with us? my dad was interesting. He's a journalist so he has a strong presence with a big voice and can be loud and obnoxious too. My dad is very smart though, but his highly opinionated nature has cost him a lot of friends, even some family. He was always very candid with my brothers and I. He was the one that gave us the birds and the bees talk, giving us relationship advice, health advice and was very stern as far as us taking care of ourselves and our future. At times, my dad was very lazy and uninvolved in our lives. Other times my dad would take me along on grocery shopping trips or he'd ask my opinion on a dress shirt for his job interviews. All in all, despite the ups and downs, my dad and I had a better relationship than my mom and I had.

My mom is interesting too. I remember her threatening to walk out on us when my brothers and I misbehaved. In high school, there were times when I had weekend long events going on and my mother and I would have a huge fight before I would leave, and at the end of the weekend, my dad would pick me up and inform me that she has been nowhere to be seen or heard of all weekend. Mom would finally show up and tell me it was my fault she left. ouch. My mom cared more about whether I cleaned my room correctly and on her schedule than building a healthy relationship with me. It was frustrating and its caused a lot of the problems we have today. She's so focused on "rules" of life to enjoy the people around her. I've never understood that. She loves my brothers and I and does/did a lot for us, but at times it was overbearing.

its hard to pin point how it all affects my relationships. My dad is very loud and almost cocky. I've always been drawn to the quietly confident men, total opposite of my dad, but since my dad is very smart, I've tended to date very smart men. He's also, tall and dark haired with dark eyes. I've tended to like men who are also tall but with blue/green eyes and brown to dark blonde hair. My parents didn't work on their relationship very much so I've tended to be the opposite. If something/someone is very important to me, I don't let them go as long as they won't let me go. to me, working hard to maintain a relationship seems 10 times easier than the chore of having to find love all over again and that's how my dad is. The irony, is that my dad has been married 3 times so he did soemthing very wrong..maybe I should have a talk with him, lol.

Anywho, I tried to make that short...but instead I rambled..sorry, lol!

[donie1]

So far that I've read, we all have interesting lives, good or bad. I tend to verbally attack some people on here when I don't agree with them, mostly men. I do realize it has to do with my upbringing and I'm trying to stop that behavior. It's interesting to read everyone's perspective on relationships and I've learnt to look at things in a different view on here. I've changed my mind on some things that affected me since childhood.

[max's mama]

My parents were married to each other for 27 years. I believe they would still be married if my mother haven't passed away from cancer.

I know that my parent's marriage had seen its ups and downs, even as a child I have witnessed bickering and fighting, however, even as a child I have felt the love and respect that my parents felt for each other.
My parents met when my mom was only 14 years old. I am aware that when my mother married my father, she wasn't in love with him. However, she deeply respected him as a person and she grew to love him very deeply. My father was deeply in love with my mother his entire life and he still feels the same about her. She was his first crush, his first love, his first everything. He cherished her so much and treated her with kindness and love.

Since I have witnessed the love and forgiveness that my parents showed each other, I knew what kind of relationship I want to have with my partner. I set up a very high standard for myself and never allowed a man to treat me like crap. My husband is human of course, he is not perfect, he is not by any means like my father, but he shows me the same type of love and respect as my parents showed for each other and I do the same for him.

ETA: Just to add, I'm very blessed that I found a great amazing man to share my life with, and I believe that my mom would be very happy for me. She never got to meet my husband.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by max's mama

My parents were married to each other for 27 years. I believe they would still be married if my mother haven't passed away from cancer.

I know that my parent's marriage had seen its ups and downs, even as a child I have witnessed bickering and fighting, however, even as a child I have felt the love and respect that my parents felt for each other.
My parents met when my mom was only 14 years old. I am aware that when my mother married my father, she wasn't in love with him. However, she deeply respected him as a person and she grew to love him very deeply. My father was deeply in love with my mother his entire life and he still feels the same about her. She was his first crush, his first love, his first everything. He cherished her so much and treated her with kindness and love.

Since I have witnessed the love and forgiveness that my parents showed each other, I knew what kind of relationship I want to have with my partner. I set up a very high standard for myself and never allowed a man to treat me like crap. My husband is human of course, he is not perfect, he is not by any means like my father, but he shows me the same type of love and respect as my parents showed for each other and I do the same for him.

ETA: Just to add, I'm very blessed that I found a great amazing man to share my life with, and I believe that my mom would be very happy for me. She never got to meet my husband.

Such a sweet story. I still hope to have such a relationship. I don't quite understand why I have not done this--except many told me 'just forget about that.' I can't seem to.

'What you love you will become'. Much more careful about what I allow into my life--thoughts, ideas, people. That seems to be working--a simple plan. Keep tossing out anything that isn't really essential.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by max's mama

ETA: Just to add, I'm very blessed that I found a great amazing man to share my life with, and I believe that my mom would be very happy for me. She never got to meet my husband.

Awww. Your husband is a lucky man, MM.