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I am the product of a great marriage and family. It makes me know what I want to find in my future. I want what my parent's have. They love each other in the way that we all aim for. They are happy together and always have been. I think the secret for it is that they have always just genuinely liked each other. They enjoy each other's company, challenge each other intellectually, and have chemistry even today. I grew up feeling like I was part of a charmed circle....home was my refuge and the place I most wanted to be. Even today when things aren't going my way, I go home.
Yes, because our family, with all it's quirks, is solid, and good. I believe in family. And it's just my opinion, but I believe a committed marriage is a good solid foundation that loving families are built upon. Putting in the effort is like anything else. If it's worth having, it's working working for. I'm pretty traditional in that respect, I know. But I've been blessed with a huge loving family, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
Agreed. I've probably responded to this thread on a previous occasion but since I happened to see it again I'll share a little more of my exciting/fascinating life.
My parents presumably attempted to create a solid, stable family. 'Best made plans of mice and men g'ang awfly'--or however Robert Burns said it.
ETA: 'But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! '
Codependence--without a drop of alcohol involved led to domestic violence.
My brother is now deceased from substance abuse which then led to terminal cancer.
My experiences in trying to recover would make an excellent Lifetime movie.
The extended family--absolutely rigid--stuck in the past--conservatives. So we no longer gather together --the few of us that are left. A sad commentary on Christianity--everybody 'Lost'--blaming, grudge holding, judging and all in the name of God/love.
I have Faith/the mustard seed and although it is beyond my comprehension to understand 'Why' my Higher Power would 'allow' such negative experiences to happen to me--I seem to have weathered the storms.
What the next chapter will be I cannot say. I know that I have a great passion for making things 'easier' for others and when I think of my brother I cannot live with myself if I don't do what I can.
The things that go on in this world ---well, change is needed that is all I know. Alternatives--there are many. As a Boomer I always will think fondly of that era--60's/70's --Bob Dylan--'The Answers, my Friend, Are Blowing in the Wind'. Softly and gently.
I am the product of a great marriage and family. It makes me know what I want to find in my future. I want what my parent's have. They love each other in the way that we all aim for. They are happy together and always have been. I think the secret for it is that they have always just genuinely liked each other. They enjoy each other's company, challenge each other intellectually, and have chemistry even today. I grew up feeling like I was part of a charmed circle....home was my refuge and the place I most wanted to be. Even today when things aren't going my way, I go home.
Wow, I really hope my kids feel this way, ten, twenty, and more years ago. If you don't mind my asking, are you in a big relationship now? Married? If so, how is it going? I ask this because, my parents set such a low bar, (it is funny, everyone feel free to laugh), that about all I have to do is show up at the dinner table every night. I'm joking of course. But I would have to go out of my way to have a worse marriage than my parents had. So I just wonder for those that have such a high standard to live up to, might not feel a lot of pressure to live up to that. And if they fail is it a crushing blow?
What an interesting, generous story, thank you.. It's gotta be me bleedin' 'eart again, but I can't help but feel a little sorry for your pop. I guess you're not sure exactly what was his situation, but I get the feeling that it may have been beyond him. Even at that he managed to do well professionally.
Are you the youngest? Do you think that your birth order shielded you a bit, from the worst of it?
Yes. I was the youngest of four. But I really don't fit into the usual pat psychological descriptions of youngest children. For example, I am typically seen as the responsible, hard-working one among four children. Growing up, I was pretty perceptive and saw a lot. Even today, my siblings talk about my memory. I'm pretty much the family scribe of sorts. If they want to know when and how something happened, they call me.
And I think my father will continue to haunt our discussions. It is sad and interesting to me at the same time that none of us has a photo of him in our houses. Even my mother doesn't have a photo of him anywhere we can see it. My wife, who has a family that might be TOO close, has needed a long time to grasp this.
I suppose that there is a ripple effect here. For my grandfather was a tough act to follow. A man's man, a championship golfer, and the kind of person who could command a room. Yet he always kept his son at a distance, so much so that my grandparents actually left my father behind in another city to finish high school when they moved. Meanwhile, my debutante aunt lacked for nothing. And my sister and brother both seemed to overcompensate for his authoritarian, rules-driven approach. They saw rules as a substitute for love, whereas I tend to see rules as a basic structure from which you build a happy and loving household. The past is indeed prologue, you know?
He was indeed a good provider in the sense that he put food on the table, but he certainly had demons to wrestle with. As I said before, how much of that was physiological and how much of that was psychological, I have no idea. I have become more generous in my assessment of him as I have gotten older. But not terribly much. For I have seen the damage. A man who was even partially aware would have known what he was doing to his wife and family.
I had it very easy growing up. Very happy house, no divorce, minimal arguing. My parents treat each other very well and as far as I can remember, they always did. When I look back, I realize that we led something of an unrealistic life, which is both good and bad. Most of us are "type A", too.
As an adult, I expect to be treated well. That means, I don't have space in my life for someone who is manipulative, deliberately ignores me, or does things that are psychologically unfair or just plain wrong. I have high standards. That's how a nice upbringing has affected me.
Yes. I was the youngest of four. But I really don't fit into the usual pat psychological descriptions of youngest children. For example, I am typically seen as the responsible, hard-working one among four children. Growing up, I was pretty perceptive and saw a lot. Even today, my siblings talk about my memory. I'm pretty much the family scribe of sorts. If they want to know when and how something happened, they call me.
And I think my father will continue to haunt our discussions. It is sad and interesting to me at the same time that none of us has a photo of him in our houses. Even my mother doesn't have a photo of him anywhere we can see it. My wife, who has a family that might be TOO close, has needed a long time to grasp this.
I suppose that there is a ripple effect here. For my grandfather was a tough act to follow. A man's man, a championship golfer, and the kind of person who could command a room. Yet he always kept his son at a distance, so much so that my grandparents actually left my father behind in another city to finish high school when they moved. Meanwhile, my debutante aunt lacked for nothing. And my sister and brother both seemed to overcompensate for his authoritarian, rules-driven approach. They saw rules as a substitute for love, whereas I tend to see rules as a basic structure from which you build a happy and loving household. The past is indeed prologue, you know?
He was indeed a good provider in the sense that he put food on the table, but he certainly had demons to wrestle with. As I said before, how much of that was physiological and how much of that was psychological, I have no idea. I have become more generous in my assessment of him as I have gotten older. But not terribly much. For I have seen the damage. A man who was even partially aware would have known what he was doing to his wife and family.
It's taken me a long time to not be angry with my father. He too had issues. He was also a championship brooder. And I also don't know if it was psychological, physiological, or emotional. He was in a profession where it could have been any or all of the above. Therapy?! That was something for Hollywood spoiled brats, but not for a man's man. The worst thing he did was have the insensitivity to die when I was in my early 20's long before I had forgiven him, let alone had a chance to make amends..
What's past is prologue, and not always predictably is I guess the point of the thread.. Sounds like your dad carried some hurt from his childhood. Could be stuff he never worked out. Too bad. He could have saved a lot of people a lot of pain.. not to mention himself..
Wow, I really hope my kids feel this way, ten, twenty, and more years ago. If you don't mind my asking, are you in a big relationship now? Married? If so, how is it going? I ask this because, my parents set such a low bar, (it is funny, everyone feel free to laugh), that about all I have to do is show up at the dinner table every night. I'm joking of course. But I would have to go out of my way to have a worse marriage than my parents had. So I just wonder for those that have such a high standard to live up to, might not feel a lot of pressure to live up to that. And if they fail is it a crushing blow?
I am 24, and I am dating someone now. We have agreed to be exclusive, but we are taking it very slowly. I don't want to rush into anything until I am sure, and he feels the same. He is a man with the same values I have, and his family background is pretty similar to mine. He is older than me, but I tend to go for men that are. Yes, I do feel like I want the type of marriage my parents have, and I am not going to settle. I have never been married before, so I don't know if I will find it a crushing blow if a marriage of mine fails. I have had relationships that did not work out, and it was ok.
I am 24, and I am dating someone now. We have agreed to be exclusive, but we are taking it very slowly. I don't want to rush into anything until I am sure, and he feels the same. He is a man with the same values I have, and his family background is pretty similar to mine. He is older than me, but I tend to go for men that are. Yes, I do feel like I want the type of marriage my parents have, and I am not going to settle. I have never been married before, so I don't know if I will find it a crushing blow if a marriage of mine fails. I have had relationships that did not work out, and it was ok.
My father was awful. Won't go into the details. My mom did the best she could. I never felt my dad loved me. Wasn't till recently that I came to grips with it and realized just how it has affected my relationships. Hard to believe that any man could love me since I knew my father never did. Always seem to pick the wrong men. So many years have gone by. Probably too late for things to change.
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