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I need some help figuring out if am being oversensitive about this. One summer, when I was much younger, around 10 or 11, my dad used to yell at me and tell me to "reform myself". I cried a lot that summer and felt like he was implying there was a lot wrong with me. My dad and I fought a lot. We also fought a lot another summer in high school when my mother was out of town and it was just him and my younger sister at home.
Last year, he made my cousin cry on our front lawn b/c he scolded her for something. I told her it was b/c she did something wrong and he was just pointing it out. My sister and I didn't see a big deal in it... but she told me "her dad never talks to her like that" and it got me thinking.
I have taken this up with my dad and also my mom. But they insist that it's not criticism and it's only to make me a better person. I feel scared around my dad, afraid of what he's going to say next. I'm so fearful that I don't know how to react or interpret his words. He has some health-related ailments and job stress so sometimes he does complain and get angry about things.
I don't know.... I don't know why he can't be nicer. I know he's very supportive and does things to help all of us out. His intentions aren't wrong... My grandfather was also similar to him and used to tell me I was "incorrigible" Maybe that's where my father gets it from.
Intentions aren't bad but effects on me through his behavior (tone, words) are negative. At the end of the day, if somebody gets hurt, how much does intention matter? I'm trying to keep in mind that intentions are positive. But it's hard.
The other day I went to him for advice but I felt criticized all over again. My mom says it wasnt criticism, he was just trying to help.
I don't understand. I'm close with my mom b/c she has a lot of good things to say to me and words of encouragement. But I am afraid to speak to my dad - as he probably is apprehensive of me because of how I've been since childhood Defensive of his words.
He buys the groceries. runs errands for us. provides for us. works hard. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm afraid to talk to him because of what he might say.
I guess the problem isn't so much what was said... but how it affected me and how I think of and treat myself. I'm constantly criticizing myself and telling myself how to "improve" to the point where I second guess myself while doing everything I do. I really want to change and know that this thinking pattern is something I allowed myself to fall into. Can't blame anyone else or play the victim, I have to change myself. But I hate that my dad never apologizes or genuinely feels bad for the hurt he causes. To hell with intentions, if you utter harsh words and hurt someone -- then they have been hurt. How the hell do your intentions matter? I'm not a mind reader. I'm really sorry that this happened to me.... And as a result I interpret everything my family says as criticism. I guess I should try to keep in mind that intentions are good and not let it hurt me in the future.... But for now, I'm really sad at all the hurt I have been through and how I had the tendency to point my finger at myself... each and every time something wrong happened in any and every situation. I am so sorry for myself and wish I had been nicer to myself all these years.
Some people ( a few I personally know) use this type of behavior for control and have low self esteem. They are channeling their anger at themselves through the people they berate.
Some people ( a few I personally know) use this type of behavior for control and have low self esteem. They are channeling their anger at themselves through the people they berate.
I also wonder if Dad spent time in the military--perhaps his father did or not--this style can be developed and acquired in many ways.
Some of it could well be health issues. With this economy no doubt he stays on edge thinking about what would happen to his family if he no longer had a job.
Many parents want to 'toughen up' their kids--to better face any adversity.
Both of mine certainly did---trying to decode this message has been a challenge.
A friend of mine with years of military experience--vows that he 'Has No Regrets'---the Army's philosophy. 'Don't cry over spilled milk'--my grandmother's philosophy. It is not a bad philosophy--but frequently difficult for me.
I have definitely obsessed over 'Why' my father was the way he was, why quite a few people are the way they are---I basically understand very well 'Why'---and that doesn't help. 'What you should have done differently'---also a futile pursuit.
My mother actually affected me more--when it came to criticism. Very nice person, sweet, soft-spoken---when it came to me---only my very best would do. If she had ever asked me 'What seems to be the problem?' --I would have told her--and the problem could have been easily resolved. Or at least I would have known that she knew. For years--we argued and made things worse than they had to be. What started all this---one thing I recall--I had never made a scrapbook/school social studies project. My first attempt was not very good---she took charge---made a spectacular project--received an A+.
I knew that wasn't my work--and was embarassed, etc. lol--I then became a 4th grade social studies teacher and turned out some impressive 'projects'.
That's good---there was much more that I really wanted to do with my life.
Letting Go of Negativity--as quickly as it occurs is a handy little skill.
Hubby and i both have no qualms about telling our kids they are being idiots if the situation warrants it. They also know that if they get in trouble because they did something stupid, home is not going to be a fun place to be.
life is not all rainbows and butterflies, and too many parents try to sugar coat everything and rear children who think they 'deserve' things, rather than getting them by hard work.
my kids arent perfect, no one's are, but they are very smart, cognizant that their behaviors and actions affect those around them, and have the abilty to 'roll with the punches' so to speak.
Sounds like dad is trying to get you and the rest of the kids in the family to grow up some and have a decent grasp of reality. nothing wrong with that.
Hubby and i both have no qualms about telling our kids they are being idiots if the situation warrants it. They also know that if they get in trouble because they did something stupid, home is not going to be a fun place to be.
life is not all rainbows and butterflies, and too many parents try to sugar coat everything and rear children who think they 'deserve' things, rather than getting them by hard work.
my kids arent perfect, no one's are, but they are very smart, cognizant that their behaviors and actions affect those around them, and have the abilty to 'roll with the punches' so to speak.
Sounds like dad is trying to get you and the rest of the kids in the family to grow up some and have a decent grasp of reality. nothing wrong with that.
mmmm---Ward and June Cleaver did the same with a softer style.
Thousands and millions of 'That' type of parent--I cannot help but notice those 'kids' seem to achieve their greater potential.
My advice to the OP---be absolutely convinced of your strengths --patient with yourself on areas of growth---completely focused on discovering what you want to do in life and which abilities need to be developed.
I always felt--'impeded' by my parents. Shocked beyond belief when I learned that others had discussed pretty much everything about being human with their parents.
That would have saved a good bit of time: Religion, politics, love, friendship, winning/losing, sex, alcohol/drugs, financial strategies, the enjoyment of life.
?? So--I've read a lot of books, talked to a lot of people--and done things that I never thought I would do--some good and some questionable.
The consolation prize--If you get married and have kids---you will be better than your parents. Unless 'something happens' and it sometimes does.
Last edited by TakeAhike; 04-07-2011 at 06:48 AM..
What's the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
His intentions matter, but his actions matter far more, because they produce real outcomes.
It sounds like he needs to be told that he's doing this wrong, and needs to improve. While his observations about people may be accurate, they are hurtful and counterproductive, so his approach is unskilled, and lacking in tact and compassion. I wonder if he can take such criticism as well as dish it out?
... My grandfather was also similar to him and used to tell me I was "incorrigible" Maybe that's where my father gets it from...
The other day I went to him for advice but I felt criticized all over again. My mom says it wasnt criticism, he was just trying to help.
Many people (whether intentionally or subconsciously) mimic the parenting style of their own parents. Seems your Dad is doing the same thing his Dad did to him. How do your Dad and your Grandfather get along? How's their relationship? BTW - why did your grandfather call YOU "incorrigible?" After reading through your post, I'm thinking there's a lot of history you left out. Have you had a history of behavior issues? Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not trying to place the blame on you - just trying to get a better idea of what's going on.
Another question came to mind - How does your Dad treat your Mom? How's their relationship?
A poster above made a good point - hopefully, you'll be able to address and resolve things with your Dad. Many times, this doesn't happen. However, you can't let that impact you for the rest of your life - esp. if you end up having children yourself. It's good that you're recognizing the impact this type of behavior is having on you so you can be fully conscious of it and it's effects and hopefully not repeat the cycle with your own children.
What's the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
His intentions matter, but his actions matter far more, because they produce real outcomes.
It sounds like he needs to be told that he's doing this wrong, and needs to improve. While his observations about people may be accurate, they are hurtful and counterproductive, so his approach is unskilled, and lacking in tact and compassion. I wonder if he can take such criticism as well as dish it out?
While I agree this should work, I can tell you from experience it will lead to more hurt feelings for the OP.
I have been down this road before. I tried to tell the person how hurtful their words were. Gotta love this response: 'I'm sorry you're upset'
Me: No, now is when you say- 'I'm sorry I was such an inconsiderate ass. What I said and the way I said it was wrong and I shouldn't have said it.
I love you and don't want to hurt you and can you please forgive me?'
A person that behaves this way is incapable of seeing that their behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable. They will always put it back on the person they hurt.
To the OP- let your hurt feelings go. Try to avoid situations where your Dad can speak to you like this. You shouldn't have to, but sometimes self-protection is necessary.
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