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We've been together for about 4 years now, we broke it off once briefly for something unrelated to money but got back together very soon after.
I probably don't paint a rosy picture of my fiancee on this forum but I can assure you she isn't the type you may be thinking of. She's very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, and I really DO love her. I can tell golddiggers from a mile away and she isn't one, she DOES like nice things but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
I should clarify that I never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc because I was so used to paying everything when I was single, it just became routine. Now that we are engaged and to be married, I want to approach her about helping out but I guess I just don't know how to. She may have bought an $800 purse but it isn't like she is asking me to purchase it for her, she earns her money and spends it as well.
As for the large disparity of income...I guess I just have a higher paying job? I work as a lead engineer for a defense company in the Valley and my salary reflects the work I do. I work long hours, work a few hours in the home office on weekends, and am responsible for the actions of my team- I work hard for what I earn.
She works in retail, not a particularly glamorous or high-paying position. She has some education but never pursued it, she lived in an apartment before I met her. She DOES know what work is because when she was single, she had to support herself and couldn't afford expensive clothes, purses, jewelery, etc etc. I guess maybe I introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle and she has become accustomed to it BUT that's not to say if she had to start earning her way in life again, that she couldn't.
Neither of us have credit card debt . She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
So are you defending her frivilous spending habits..?
Are you saying she dont have to help out with any household expenses?
It seems like your making excuses for her..you'd rather settle and be in a give me, while I dont help out relationship..then say I don't need to be with someone who obviously don't care to help out.
Just because she paid bills before and supported her self before..doesn't mean she no longer has too because your doing it??
If she was really that nice she would think about the long term future for both of you..
Buying a $800 purse because she earns her money??
Did she earn that roof over her head? Did any of her earnings go to that
Did she earn the water she uses daily too? HMMMM
Did she earn the electricity she uses? Probably not..
Why you took her back is beyond me..
Anybody is better off with someone like that..
Get a pre-nup. Sounds like you will need one...I don't think you are ready for marriage. I don't think you want to "share"...and be willing to be open with another person. It is not about money...or possessions...and that is where you are...money and possessions won't keep you company, or take care of you if you are sick with cancer. Think about what really matters to you...if you want to live alone in "your" house...you should do so...just don't expect your house to keep your bed warm.
I agree. It's a sure sign that they are flakey with their finances. I ignored this flag twice and it turned out both people were total flakes in life, period...not just with their finances.
Yep, and I think you even put it mildly in what you wrote above.
So are you defending her frivilous spending habits..?
Are you saying she dont have to help out with any household expenses?
It seems like your making excuses for her..you'd rather settle and be in a give me, while I dont help out relationship..then say I don't need to be with someone who obviously don't care to help out.
Just because she paid bills before and supported her self before..doesn't mean she no longer has too because your doing it??
If she was really that nice she would think about the long term future for both of you..
Buying a $800 purse because she earns her money??
Did she earn that roof over her head? Did any of her earnings go to that
Did she earn the water she uses daily too? HMMMM
Did she earn the electricity she uses? Probably not..
Why you took her back is beyond me..
Anybody is better off with someone like that..
The reason it may be "beyond you" is because you don't know what a true committed marriage looks like. Just sayin'...
but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
but it isn't like she is asking me to purchase it for her
But you ARE supporting her habits and purchasing her items. Had it not been for you, she'd have to pay for the roof over her head, the food on her table, and all those other mundane necessities, and wouldn't even dream of the purse in question. That's what her life was before and that's what it will be again without you in the picture. Actually, I stand corrected - after having been married to you for some time, she may be able to continue living the life she's become "accustomed" to!
We've been together for about 4 years now, we broke it off once briefly for something unrelated to money but got back together very soon after.
I probably don't paint a rosy picture of my fiancee on this forum but I can assure you she isn't the type you may be thinking of. She's very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, and I really DO love her. I can tell golddiggers from a mile away and she isn't one, she DOES like nice things but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
I should clarify that I never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc because I was so used to paying everything when I was single, it just became routine. Now that we are engaged and to be married, I want to approach her about helping out but I guess I just don't know how to. She may have bought an $800 purse but it isn't like she is asking me to purchase it for her, she earns her money and spends it as well.
As for the large disparity of income...I guess I just have a higher paying job? I work as a lead engineer for a defense company in the Valley and my salary reflects the work I do. I work long hours, work a few hours in the home office on weekends, and am responsible for the actions of my team- I work hard for what I earn.
She works in retail, not a particularly glamorous or high-paying position. She has some education but never pursued it, she lived in an apartment before I met her. She DOES know what work is because when she was single, she had to support herself and couldn't afford expensive clothes, purses, jewelery, etc etc. I guess maybe I introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle and she has become accustomed to it BUT that's not to say if she had to start earning her way in life again, that she couldn't.
Neither of us have credit card debt . She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
Thanks for providing a more balanced view of the situation.
You've each apparently done a lot of things right up to this point, so good for you. (especially the no credit card debt!)
Now you just have to clarify with each other how you will handle your money once you are married.
These conversations can be awkward, but truly there is nothing a couple about to be married shouldn't be able to talk about, and if they can't they shouldn't be getting married.
Start by telling her how you feel and that you take responsibility for letting things just kind of happen in regards to money since she moved in with you.
Explain to her that for the health of your future marriage you want to really work together to come up with a plan for how your money will be handled (not YOUR money, but YA'LL's money) going forward.
She sounds like a sweetheart and someone who would be willing to work with you on this - give it a shot and good luck!
We've been together for about 4 years now, we broke it off once briefly for something unrelated to money but got back together very soon after.
I probably don't paint a rosy picture of my fiancee on this forum but I can assure you she isn't the type you may be thinking of. She's very sweet, nice, caring, etc. She's fun to be around, very much a type-A personality, witty, and I really DO love her. I can tell golddiggers from a mile away and she isn't one, she DOES like nice things but isn't the type to want a man to support her habits.
I should clarify that I never really ASKED for her to help pay the bills, utilities, etc etc because I was so used to paying everything when I was single, it just became routine. Now that we are engaged and to be married, I want to approach her about helping out but I guess I just don't know how to. She may have bought an $800 purse but it isn't like she is asking me to purchase it for her, she earns her money and spends it as well.
As for the large disparity of income...I guess I just have a higher paying job? I work as a lead engineer for a defense company in the Valley and my salary reflects the work I do. I work long hours, work a few hours in the home office on weekends, and am responsible for the actions of my team- I work hard for what I earn.
She works in retail, not a particularly glamorous or high-paying position. She has some education but never pursued it, she lived in an apartment before I met her. She DOES know what work is because when she was single, she had to support herself and couldn't afford expensive clothes, purses, jewelery, etc etc. I guess maybe I introduced her to a slightly different lifestyle and she has become accustomed to it BUT that's not to say if she had to start earning her way in life again, that she couldn't.
Neither of us have credit card debt . She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
Thanks for the information, that puts things in perspective.
I do understand where you are coming from about being single for so long that you just get used to doing everything. But, the problem that I have is that your fiancee' didn't OFFER to pay. If I moved in with a man, I would understand that it was his house...and that would make me all the more eager to pay SOMETHING, so that I could feel like I contributed financially. And the fact is, not only does she not pay, but she spends on needless things.
I can totally see your point about you not wanting to give up the house, and I would not ask that of my husband - especially if I wasn't going to contribute a cent to the mortgage. My (worthless) suggestion would be to get a pre-nup and be careful.
You seem like a very nice guy, and I hope that it works out.
Thanks for providing a more balanced view of the situation.
You've each apparently done a lot of things right up to this point, so good for you. (especially the no credit card debt!)
Now you just have to clarify with each other how you will handle your money once you are married.
These conversations can be awkward, but truly there is nothing a couple about to be married shouldn't be able to talk about, and if they can't they shouldn't be getting married.
Start by telling her how you feel and that you take responsibility for letting things just kind of happen in regards to money since she moved in with you.
Explain to her that for the health of your future marriage you want to really work together to come up with a plan for how your money will be handled (not YOUR money, but YA'LL's money) going forward.
She sounds like a sweetheart and someone who would be willing to work with you on this - give it a shot and good luck!
Mountain, most of the time I agree when you post...not this time. She is nothing like a sweetheart. She is using him. If she was such a sweetheart, she would have realized that she needed to contribute to the household financially. She doesn't. She just spends and spends. And spends lavishly. She knows exactly what she's doing. Could she do this without him? Absolutely not!
My question to the OP? Does she do anything around the house? Cook? Clean? Anything to pay her way in the relationship?
Right now, I'm seeing this as a one-way street. You're giving and she's taking. It's only acceptable because she's a woman but if she was a man, all these women on here would be calling him a lazy SOB.
I'll say it...she's a lazy SOBss. <That's a female SOB.
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. She has a credit card and pays off any balance at the end of the month. I have two different cards (one for work, one personal) and pay off the balance as well.
