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After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
I still frequently refer to things as "mine" and well to be honest, they are "mine". I know marriage is going to be a big step and I'm fully committed to my fiancee but I've always had trouble with saying things are "ours" especially when I'm paying for just about everything. I bought the house, all the vehicles (including HER Caddy), all the furnishings, and I am the primary breadwinner for the household.
I'm not trying to be controlling, I've just been single for so many years that I've gotten into the habit of referring to everything as "mine". This irks her a bit and I'm working on it but has anyone had the same problem? I hate to think I'm alone in this situation.
She has recently suggested that once we get married, we buy a home together as a shared partnership. The thing is, besides the fact I love the current house we live in, I would still end up being the person to pay the mortgage on a different house. This doesn't make sense to me especially considering that the home I own isn't at all a 'bachelor pad'.
Opinions? Anyone been in the same boat? Primary breadwinners, do you pay or split the bills with a spouse?
I broke up with a long-term boyfriend in January. He had been living in MY house for almost a year and a half. He referred to it as "our" house but IMHO it was MY house because:
We didn't buy it together.
My name was on the mortgage, his wasn't.
He contributed nothing to the down payment.
The utilities are all in my name and always have been.
His contribution to the household bills was paltry at best, nothing at worst.
I paid for all improvements/repairs.
I don't see how he had the nerve to even contemplate referring to it as "our" house. I'm glad he's gone, personally.
Yes, but see there's a different in your relationship and the OPs. You and your husband have an agreement and both of you are working towards the same goals.
In the case of the OP, I don't see were she's giving anything to the relationship other then being her sweet and kind self (as he sees it). Her money is her money but his money is their money. I don't see that as fair unless she is doing more then what he hasn't written down. I see her as just spending his money and living there free.
Mountain, while I do realize that men and women are wired differently, I don't give a free pass to a woman that doesn't contribute to a relationship. It's got to be some type of responsibility on both sides for the partnership to work.
I have both a son and daughter and I've raised them that they both have a responsibility to their partner. They must take but they also must give. No one can do all the taking and the other all the giving.
I would never want my daughter to feel she is entitled to be her husband's "little princess" and her do nothing but spend $800 on a handbag each month while he works like a dog.
As I wouldn't want my son to work like a dog while his "little princess" sat home and ate bonbons all day.
You are again interjecting things into our OP's situation that don't seem to be the reality.
His fiancee' has a job, she works. She is not "a little princess who sits at home eating bonbons all day".
And I will repeat, a woman does not always have to contribute financially to be contributing to the relationship.
In all fairness, he doesn't seem to be working any harder than he would have worked even if she didn't exist.
You are again interjecting things into our OP's situation that don't seem to be the reality.
His fiancee' has a job, she works. She is not "a little princess who sits at home eating bonbons all day".
And I will repeat, a woman does not always have to contribute financially to be contributing to the relationship.
In all fairness, he doesn't seem to be working any harder than he would have worked even if she didn't exist.
Thank you! Yes she DOES have a full 40 hour/ week job! She doesn't sit at home all day at all, she's very active and usually after work goes to the gym for an hour or so. She's NOT lazy!
And no, my fiancee probably helps me be LESS of a work-a-holic. If she WASN'T around, on a Saturday I'd likely be sitting in my home office doing bookwork but with her around, she forces me out of my rut and enjoy the beautiful Arizona days!
Things have been "ours" since the moment we moved in together. And both of us lived solo for quite a few years before that. It was still no problem to make the switch. I guess it just depends on how your really feel about sharing (things, resources, a life, etc.)
Thank you! Yes she DOES have a full 40 hour/ week job! She doesn't sit at home all day at all, she's very active and usually after work goes to the gym for an hour or so. She's NOT lazy!
And no, my fiancee probably helps me be LESS of a work-a-holic. If she WASN'T around, on a Saturday I'd likely be sitting in my home office doing bookwork but with her around, she forces me out of my rut and enjoy the beautiful Arizona days!
Sounds to me like she makes big "contributions" to your life and that you are "richer" for it
After being in a relationship for many years and now engaged to my wonderful fiancee, I still have trouble with saying "MY" versus "OURS". Anybody else have the same problem?
I still frequently refer to things as "mine" and well to be honest, they are "mine". I know marriage is going to be a big step and I'm fully committed to my fiancee but I've always had trouble with saying things are "ours" especially when I'm paying for just about everything. I bought the house, all the vehicles (including HER Caddy), all the furnishings, and I am the primary breadwinner for the household.
I'm not trying to be controlling, I've just been single for so many years that I've gotten into the habit of referring to everything as "mine". This irks her a bit and I'm working on it but has anyone had the same problem? I hate to think I'm alone in this situation.
She has recently suggested that once we get married, we buy a home together as a shared partnership. The thing is, besides the fact I love the current house we live in, I would still end up being the person to pay the mortgage on a different house. This doesn't make sense to me especially considering that the home I own isn't at all a 'bachelor pad'.
Opinions? Anyone been in the same boat? Primary breadwinners, do you pay or split the bills with a spouse?
I was in the same situation, and when she said she wanted to sell both houses and buy a different one, I told her if that is what she wanted to forget getting married. She sold her house and put all the money in her bank account. We have separate bank accounts, altho her name is on all three of my accounts, she doesn't write checks on any of them. Early on we decided on keeping our money separate and it has worked very well for us. All I can say is be careful, women seem to develop the attitude as soon as they marry you that half of everything you have is theirs. And after a few years that is the attitude of the courts also. If I were you I would insist on a pre-nuptial agreement to protect yourself, then you could decide later if you want to enforce it or not. Sorry, but you can not look into a woman's eyes and tell if she will or if she won't 'take you to the cleaners' if she gets mad. I must say not all women would do that, but some certainly will.
It's very nice, Speedy, but make sure there is room for her in it. If it's all decorated the way you like it, and your shelves are filled with mementos and things you have chosen, and the walls are covered with art you have picked out, and the closets and drawers are filled with things that were there long before she entered the picture--she might get the idea that your life is complete and there's not a lot of room for her.
What would happen if she came to you and said, "Speedy, I don't really like those white couches. Can we shop for a leather sectional instead?"
Now you just have to get used to the idea that it will be "hers" too if you marry. If you really can't do that, then don't get married.
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Who's house is it? MY house
