name change upon marriage

[Dennis58]

Originally Posted by leavingcali

Whoa, Dennis! This is the second post in which you wrote, "...a woman who was willing to BE the woman" in regards to changing her last name upon marriage. It is quite disheartening and rather offensive for you to imply that a woman who chooses to retain her maiden name is therefore not a woman, not feminie, etc. Or, is a bad wife, or even a nontraditional wife in some way. I once dated a man who was insistent on the idea that I take his last name if we were to marry, and you know what, I dumped him and it was one of the best decisions of my life. Although you claim you don't want to be affilitated with, or blamed due to the historical implications of name change linked to ownership, your words actually align you with the fear your fiance is expressing. What I am trying to say is, is that you are exhibiting that very same behavior that you claim to abhor.

My husband was very supportive in whatever I wanted to do with the last name thing, and we have a very happy marriage. I think his security with himself and with our union is what made the name changing topic a non-issue for him.

My last name dies with me. It is a name I am proud to have. I am proud of the people that gave it to me, and I am proud of the degrees that I have earned with that name, I am proud of the writing and teaching I have done with that name, and I am proud of the man I chose. My identity, for me, is linked with my name. I love that I am known by that name at school and by my students, and I also love that many people call me by my husband's last name (because they don't know that I retained my maiden name). And although there have been brief periods in which I have thought about changing it, comments like those you and others have expressed on this thread, have made me so very adamant in not changing it. Simply put, you don't have any idea what it means or how it feels to change your name until you have been asked to do it--it is a very big deal.

I think that you really need to support your fiance in this decision, because if you pressure her or continue to indicate that you are disappointed with her decision or reason or whatever, you will push her further and further away.

Thanks for your input. Since the time I first wrote what you took offence at, I have received a lot of other input from others as well. I now realize that comment you pointed out was snide, and rude and I regret sending it out now. I hope you continue to have a long and happy marriage! (I hope I have one too!)

[leavingcali]

Originally Posted by Dennis58

Thanks for your input. Since the time I first wrote what you took offence at, I have received a lot of other input from others as well. I now realize that comment you pointed out was snide, and rude and I regret sending it out now. I hope you continue to have a long and happy marriage! (I hope I have one too!)

Thanks, Dennis. You seem very sincere. I appreciate this comment very much.

Best of luck to you.

[riveree]

Originally Posted by Dennis58

It probably has more to do with tradition and just keeping things simple from my prospective.

Maybe now it's starting to become clear that it's NOT so simple.

Mrs. Steel and LeavingCali gave some very detailed reasoning behind their choices and I can say, as can many other women I'm sure, that I can relate to each point of their reasoning.

I would not be suprised if there is something deeper that the "ownership" reason for your fiance. Now that we know a bit more about her, I'd dare to say she feels the need to keep some autonomy. Keeping her name may help her feel more grounded, stronger, who knows? (She does !)

And again, the process of changing your name - the legalities, getting used to a new last name, etc. - is a big deal. Brides who did this in their early 20's may be able to say "nah, no big deal", but for brides who are a little further along the path - 30's, 40's, etc. - it can be a real pain.

Imagine if the tradition was for the man to change his FIRST name ?? What if you could no longer be known as "Dennis" and now had to go by "Fred"? Weird huh ?

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by leavingcali

I once dated a man who was insistent on the idea that I take his last name if we were to marry, and you know what, I dumped him and it was one of the best decisions of my life.

Wow! A woman of power and self respect! I would have dumped him too. I can't deal with a man telling me what to do. I do it because I want to - not because he says I should. I can understand a man being hurt by me wanting to keep my last name (which I did, though, hyphenated) but to insist on it because his idea is better? - nope, not-gonna-happen...

Originally Posted by leavingcali

My husband was very supportive in whatever I wanted to do with the last name thing, and we have a very happy marriage. I think his security with himself and with our union is what made the name changing topic a non-issue for him.

Your husband sounds like mine... Lucky you...

Originally Posted by leavingcali

My last name dies with me. It is a name I am proud to have. I am proud of the people that gave it to me, and I am proud of the degrees that I have earned with that name, I am proud of the writing and teaching I have done with that name, and I am proud of the man I chose. My identity, for me, is linked with my name.

Get out of my head!!!!!

[Ilovejazz]

Originally Posted by Dennis58

I ask about this in part, because the woman I plan to marry next year does not plan to take my last name. She was married before and did not take the other mans name either. Im OK with the idea of this but it seems that this could all be kind of confusing to people who are not very close to us.

It's actually quite common in the year 2007.

[Ilovejazz]

Originally Posted by Picassine

name change... Here in Quebec, women have to keep their maiden name.

How so? Is it illegal?