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I am pretty close to a co-worker and have genuine feelings for her. I know she cares about me and overall I think we have an excellent base for a relationship.
I always hear guys say that you cannot be "too nice" to a girl you want to be with. This has never made much sense to me. I don't see how being mean, cold, indifferent, and/or unsupportive in their time of need would cause someone to have feelings for you. Does the "cold" approach just work when you are looking for a "hook-up?"
I am just wondering how she may perceive my actions.
She is often moody and upset. I always do whatever I can to cheer her up and make her feel better whether it be via positive words, jokes, smiling, looking out for her, listening to her, reinforcing to her that things aren't so bad, etc. A lot of support. I also give her space too. I don't try to crowd her or ask too many questions.
On birthdays/holidays/other important occasions, I try to get her something that I know will mean something and something that also shows that I listen and made an effort. Now, I don't mean that I'll buy a 24K necklace...I mean a specific ice cream flavor and brand she has mentioned as a favorite, a book on a topic she likes...it's always something that I know has some real meaning to her. I have also surprised her with little things before--but I don't overdo it before anyone asks. And yes, I also receive gifts from her.
These are just some examples. I have been told by friends that I am a romantic. I didn't totally know I had this side to me until I began doing things for her.
So, does she look at these gestures and think "he's too nice...blah" or do these things help my cause as a potential and eventual relationship partner?
I think you sound like a nice person who will make a good partner in a relationship one day. My one word of caution would be not to go too far with this before genuinely asking her for a date. I'm a little concerned when you describe her as always moody and upset. Then your behavior sounds like you're going to great lengths to pamper her--and getting nothing in return. If she's still always moody and upset, I would question if she really likes you, or if she's just at such a bad place in her life that she's not ready for a relationship.
Doing nice things is always good. Paying a little extra attention to a girl you're interested in is appropriate. But if this goes on for weeks and weeks with you going out of your way in the hopes she'll show some interest, it's easy for it to become unbalanced. Will you feel put out if she says "no"? If you would, perhaps it's time to go ahead and ask her for a real date and see how she feels.
Depends what you mean by too nice. Generally I've found it's best to be clear in your mind: am I going for this girl or am I not?
If not, treat her with the same courtesy you would anyone else, male or female. The problems come when you give such a person more than they deserve in the hope that they will somehow warm up to you.
If yes, it's more important to be clear in your intentions than it is to be all helpful and friendly. Flirt and if she flirts back turn it up some. Repeat until you've slept with her several times. Then you can start doing some more nice gestures without coming across as needy or smothering.
I am pretty close to a co-worker and have genuine feelings for her. I know she cares about me and overall I think we have an excellent base for a relationship.,,,
Only pursue this if you do not care about keeping your job.
If this date was to go bad one or both of you may be looking for work. Most employers do not allow or approve of office romance. Romance gone wrong often results in fights. Do not think you can hide a romance or breakup at work.
It's not a totally one-sided situation. She's there for me too but she has more "needs."
Doesn't the man usually do the "pursuing?"...part of my "pursuit" includes being supportive if/when she needs it. It's not fake on my part...it's part of who I am. And we're great friends and I care about her so I do what I can.
I'm not a "shoulder to cry on...."...that's not what I meant with my post.
I'm just wondering if my gestures prove me as a genuine option or if women perceive guys who are there for them as "too nice."
I'm sure it depends on the situation. If she is attracted to you and has interest in you...these gestures would mean something, right? She's human. Doesn't it feel good to have someone who have someone who truly cares about you, appreciates you, sees a lot in you, supports you, etc.?
She KNOWS how I feel. I have always felt that she is either not ready for a relationship or has some sort of fear, etc. She liked me first and wanted my attention. I didn't reciprocate in that manner but we still became pretty close. When my feelings changed--she suddenly changed. This complicated things quite a bit.
We still care about each other...very compatible...lots of similar interests/goals...good balance to each other...definite attraction...etc. She has been totally single since I have known her...no dates or anything. I'm not sure if she has been in a real relationship. I don't think she has...and I think that's part of it. I haven't been in one either.
Basically, does me being good to her make her care for me more or do I get thrown in the "too nice," category?
Several questions. First, how long has this been going on? How long have you known this girl total and how long have you been in "I'll do anything for you" mode?
To a certain degree, what you're doing is fine. I'm not trying to imply that it's "fake" to do nice things, but I have to question if you would keep doing those nice things if she told you she didn't like you and there was no shot at a relationship. My guess is that then you would stop and/or switch your attentions to another girl eventually. In that case, the actions aren't completely genuine. And again, there's nothing wrong with that, per se, most of us do it when we like someone. But since it seems kind of one-sided or at least not evenly balanced, IMHO, you need to be cautious about how long you continue it without any real progress.
If you've been showering her with attention, memorizing her favorite ice cream snack and bringing it, being the shoulder to cry on, whatever, for more than a month or two and still no dice, I'd say you're running the risk of looking like a pushover who has nothing better to do with his time. That's not necessarily attractive. I would talk to her about the issue seriously, explain that you like her and would like to date her. If she's responsive, great. If not, I'd back off. Doesn't mean you need to be a total jerk, but it seems "off" for your world to revolve around this girl if she isn't really yours, you know what I mean? I just don't want to see you get used.
Yes, guys are supposed to pursue, but we women are also supposed to let you catch us if we're interested. So far, I'm not hearing that.
Doesn't mean you need to be a total jerk, but it seems "off" for your world to revolve around this girl if she isn't really yours, you know what I mean? I just don't want to see you get used.
Yes, guys are supposed to pursue, but we women are also supposed to let you catch us if we're interested. So far, I'm not hearing that.
agreed, something is amiss here, my personal feeling is she is NOT feeling you, she seems to like the attention you are giving her though. And as H8 said, a woman who is interested will NOT put you through the hurdles this one appears to be.
You remarked that "She is often moody and upset." No way to know but maybe she is somewhat depressed. But maybe she feels that you are being too aggressive when she hasn't reciprocated. If this is so far all one-sided you may be coming off as somewhat of a "stalker." If it was me I would go to her and tell her that you are interested but that you are begining to feel it is all one-sided and that you are going to give her some space to see if she has any interest and then you need to back off and see if she makes a move. Otherwise, chalk it up to bad timing, bad luck or whatever but find someone else who doesn't make this so hard.
part of my "pursuit" includes being supportive if/when she needs it.
that part doesn't make sense to me.
anyway, "pursuit" is letting her know that you are interested in her personally AND sexually. When people talk about "too nice", typically what is meant, is behaving as if you weren't interested in screwing her brains out.
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