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I appreciate the honest comments. It gives me perspective hearing it from more people.
Re: the girlfriend situation, I know it seems like I would be doing her a huge favor by breaking up with her and letting her find someone better, but in the first four years of our relationship, I was a beyond good boyfriend. In a way, also, I feel like I owe her a ring and the financial fruits of my labor for the next 6-7 years. I was using crystal meth between high school and college and she is 75% responsible for where I am today.
I just think if I can get over this hump - because this girl is a huge outlier - I'll be fine. I already mentioned that I can control somethings, like the environment I'm in and refusing to go places where I might meet people. I'm also pretty average myself, so it isn't normal that attractive females actually seek me out and aggressively pursue me.
Another factor is that, as you can tell, I'm pretty emotionally fragile and a bit of a ***** so there is no way I can just power through school in the state I am now. If we were to break up, it'd be a lot worse.
But onto more immediate matters: why do I feel jealous about the other girl and how can I squash it?
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Is that what you think you owe her? Financial payola instead of emotional and physical honesty, integrity and loyalty? Is this what a relationship means to you?
If the Girlfriend is so great, do you think she'd rather have a "house on a finger" rather than a husband who is really and truly hers in intimacy?
You can compartmentalize anything -- which means that you might be right, you will be a lifetime cheater. You will wind up hurting everyone who tries to be close to you, because you can rationalize away (by "not feeling anything" that makes it all okay??) the wrongness of your impulses.
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You have mommy issues. You want this emotionally/morally superior (but physically 'inferior') girl to hold your hand and pat your head so you can make it through school.
You think you can't do it without her, but when you finally become an MD you will have plenty of loose girls on the margins because you think "you deserve it and anyway, the wife has the house, kids and plenty of money". That will be your justification for horrible behavior.
Yech.
Look, barclay (like the future ATM you promise to be), you are deciding what type of person you will be. Trust me, there will always be women out there you will have the hots for, and if you start throwing money around they come running to the trough. Is this what you want?
So how can I work on not treating them like objects? It isn't like I want to treat them like objects.
Re: the other girl, yeah you might be right, but it is somewhat prudish to have gone through college without having sex, right? I felt like our connection was unique (not in a good way, only by definition) because we had that history in high school where she was really attracted to me.
I think I come off as thinking I'm God's gift to women, but in reality, A.) I just don't want to hurt my current girlfriend; B.) I'm not going to risk my emotional stability as I begin school; C.) I don't know how to handle the situation or my emotions for this other girl.
Get some professional counseling to sort out why you're doing what you're doing. A lay person can only comment from a personal perspective and confirm that your estimation of yourself as a scumbag is shared.
Trust me, you are not "God's gift to women". Far from it. You don't want to hurt your current girlfriend but you're doing exactly that because you're nowhere near as committed to her as you should be after five years. Maybe in the first four years of the relationship you were, "a beyond good boyfriend" but that's certainly not the case now. "I'm not going to risk my emotional stability as I begin school .." Again, it's all about you.
Bolded 1:
Is that what you think you owe her? Financial payola instead of emotional and physical honesty, integrity and loyalty? Is this what a relationship means to you?
If the Girlfriend is so great, do you think she'd rather have a "house on a finger" rather than a husband who is really and truly hers in intimacy?
You can compartmentalize anything -- which means that you might be right, you will be a lifetime cheater. You will wind up hurting everyone who tries to be close to you, because you can rationalize away (by "not feeling anything" that makes it all okay??) the wrongness of your impulses.
Bolded 2:
You have mommy issues. You want this emotionally/morally superior (but physically 'inferior') girl to hold your hand and pat your head so you can make it through school.
You think you can't do it without her, but when you finally become an MD you will have plenty of loose girls on the margins because you think "you deserve it and anyway, the wife has the house, kids and plenty of money". That will be your justification for horrible behavior.
Yech.
Look, barclay (like the future ATM you promise to be), you are deciding what type of person you will be. Trust me, there will always be women out there you will have the hots for, and if you start throwing money around they come running to the trough. Is this what you want?
I think I came off wrong somewhere. Just because I don't feel anything doesn't justify any of my actions. Before this stupid thing a year ago, I was candidate of the year boyfriend, and I think I can still be. It isn't about the money or anything, it is just that she expects me to marry her I think, and to tell her instead that I cheated on her and then dump her seems rough.
I didn't go seeking for a "mommy" - I was just describing who she is. I was platonic friends with her in college and she was a volunteer at rehab. I actually probably do have "mommy issues" but not in the way you put it.
Finally, I knew this would come up, but I think in the future I can have the same self control to not go anywhere or throw money at random people. I feel like this is an isolated incident because it was just by chance / the mutual attraction / and history.
This taken into account, should I still break up with her? I am seriously considering this now - just to clear my conscience - but taking the whole picture into view: that she has no idea about it, that we have a stable relationship, that I'm a good boyfriend, that we planned on getting married - should I, just for the sake of "doing what's right," still break up with her?
Get some professional counseling to sort out why you're doing what you're doing. A lay person can only comment from a personal perspective and confirm that your estimation of yourself as a scumbag is shared.
Trust me, you are not "God's gift to women". Far from it. You don't want to hurt your current girlfriend but you're doing exactly that because you're nowhere near as committed to her as you should be after five years. Maybe in the first four years of the relationship you were, "a beyond good boyfriend" but that's certainly not the case now. "I'm not going to risk my emotional stability as I begin school .." Again, it's all about you.
I'm on student loans. I can't pay someone $150 an hour to talk to me when there's good free advice. Hopefully some professional counselor can comment.
I think I came off wrong somewhere. Just because I don't feel anything doesn't justify any of my actions. Before this stupid thing a year ago, I was candidate of the year boyfriend, and I think I can still be. It isn't about the money or anything, it is just that she expects me to marry her I think, and to tell her instead that I cheated on her and then dump her seems rough.
I didn't go seeking for a "mommy" - I was just describing who she is. I was platonic friends with her in college and she was a volunteer at rehab. I actually probably do have "mommy issues" but not in the way you put it.
Finally, I knew this would come up, but I think in the future I can have the same self control to not go anywhere or throw money at random people. I feel like this is an isolated incident because it was just by chance / the mutual attraction / and history.
This taken into account, should I still break up with her? I am seriously considering this now - just to clear my conscience - but taking the whole picture into view: that she has no idea about it, that we have a stable relationship, that I'm a good boyfriend, that we planned on getting married - should I, just for the sake of "doing what's right," still break up with her?
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{chuckle} Welll, yes, that DOES seem rough. But not as rough as marrying someone who has the hots for someone else.
Why do you think you should be honest about "cheating" to break up with her (there, you said it, good boy), when you don't feel you owe her the same honesty TO GET HER TO STICK WITH YOU?
Dishonesty pays off for you? This is who you want to be?
Why don't you break up with her and suffer the loneliness and rigor of med school without your mommy to cook your chicken soup? Like virtually every other med student? You don't need to tell her why, why crush her?
Just tell her you need a break, that you need nobody to jog your elbow right now, that you need space and time and other cosmic realities to get your head straight on. Tell her you don't know if you can manage the bf/gf relationship. Yes, she will be hurt. You can't avoid that. But this is temporary hurt instead of permanent excruciating pain that you are sure to lay on her if you marry her while fantasizing about other/others.
Understand that this other female is something of a predator and playing with you. Of course she knows full well you have a loyal girlfriend. That's like catnip to some girls of low moral quality. There will be lots of those around, especially after you become Dr. barclay.
You have a weak spot a mile wide. But at least you are aware of it.
And I am 100% getting played by that other girl, right? That's what my friends said, I found it hard to believe. She has a boyfriend, too, though. Hurts my ego, that's for sure, but I guess I can accept it and it'll make ending things with her easier.
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