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Nation, I hope you get out of there. Make it a priority to get another job, save some $ and get away. You cannot live a normal life in their house, probably not in the same town or even state. See my earlier post about getting far away. If your mother will go with you, take her. If she won't go, leave by yourself. If you stay much longer you will find yourself being more & more like him. That kind of sickness is contagious. You can't live in the middle of it and not have it rub off on you.
I hope you at least have some level headed friends you hang out with? That is a big help.
Regardless of what we call his condition, he is a user & abuser. Technically, I think sociopath defines group behavior, such as a Mafia member. He loves his "family" and would do anything for any of them, may even give his own life. But people outside his group are merely supporting cast, at best. Injuring or killing anyone in his way is not a problem, just "taking care of business". Been a long time since I studied any psych.
Anyway, I hope Nation will move away & take his mother if she will go. No one deserves to live like this.
not a sociopath. Trust me, I have a graduate degree in psychology and work as a clinical psychologist. Sociopaths have no emotions. At all. No remorse. No love. Sociopaths generally try to lead normal lives, and for the most part succeed at faking genuine emotions that they know they are supposed to feel. Sociopaths sometimes end up as serial killers, because no guilt really exists in their minds to stop them. Most don't, however, because they know there will be consequences. If he were truly a sociopath, he wouldn't have taken this ostentatious course of action. He would likely pretend to be a normal man in love with his normal wife and not cause a scene. But, in the odd scenario where he would run off, it likely wouldn't be with another woman, and he wouldn't care about seeing the kids, because he has no genuine love or attachment to them, or anyone else. He also wouldn't likely threaten to kill himself. People are driven to suicide by negative emotions. A sociopath has no emotions, and therefore no drive to commit suicide.
Sociopaths can be coldly manipulative, though. The threat to kill himself could be an act. Abusers fake crying and remorse to get what they want, so it's possible to fake suicidal feelings or threats. Never underestimate the acting skills and manipulative capacity of a sociopath. As you know, they're said to be the hardest patients to treat (if they're even treatable), because they can game the shrink. The OP's dad may have just gamed you.
Sociopaths can be coldly manipulative, though. The threat to kill himself could be an act. Abusers fake crying and remorse to get what they want, so it's possible to fake suicidal feelings or threats. Never underestimate the acting skills and manipulative capacity of a sociopath. As you know, they're said to be the hardest patients to treat (if they're even treatable), because they can game the shrink. The OP's dad may have just gamed you.
All the more reason to move a good distance away and leave no information. Some people are so sick there is no help for them. They wear down friends & family to the max and rob them of any joy in life, all the while convincing them it is their own fault. They are sick but are the most intelligent manipulators in the world.
As I posted, I have known a few people with roughly similar family members who spread misery everywhere they went. In fact, someone in my extended family had a situation of smaller proportions. Didn't move away but totally cut off a family member. Would not visit or take her calls. It is a shame to have to do such things, but everyone deserves some chance at a decent life. If someone else doesn't respect that, the only wise choice is to leave and start new somewhere else.
All the more reason to move a good distance away and leave no information. Some people are so sick there is no help for them. They wear down friends & family to the max and rob them of any joy in life, all the while convincing them it is their own fault. They are sick but are the most intelligent manipulators in the world.
As I posted, I have known a few people with roughly similar family members who spread misery everywhere they went. In fact, someone in my extended family had a situation of smaller proportions. Didn't move away but totally cut off a family member. Would not visit or take her calls. It is a shame to have to do such things, but everyone deserves some chance at a decent life. If someone else doesn't respect that, the only wise choice is to leave and start new somewhere else.
here'sthe scary part. right now, my father is acting incredibly nice. i actually told him that i was gay and he seemed to take it nicely than i expected him to take it. he's also talking to my mom like they're cool and all. you would think that dude has changed or is a totally new person BUT in the back of my mind, i know that what he's doing and how he's acting is simply an act. the saturday before last, he was cursing out my mom and acting really nasty to her for no reason, accusing her of being messed up, intimidating her and threatening her. i was ready to defend her and he starts trying to threaten me talking about stay out of it. he turns around and buys me food for the store without asking either which i found to be very weird right after he was trying to intimidate me.
i guarantee you that he has something up his sleeve. he always does. there's simply NOTHING that he does that doesn't come without a motive or a reason behind it. when my mom simply cuts him off, he's going to lean on my brother or me to take care of him where he could do the same thing to us like how he did to my mom for how many years. the man pretty much has lived off my mom for how many years while he's been working unable to take care of himself with the money he's making. the thing about him is he'll be acting really nice one minute, acting like he's your best friend and that he cares about you. the next minute, he's ready to turn around and ask you for money, manipulate you into doing things for his gain and trying to control your life. he's a snake. the thing is you don't know what to expect living with people like him. my mom is basically trying to hold on to a failed relationship. it sucks having to grow up into a mess like this. it's like i love my father BUT i know he's screwed up. it hurts to turn my back away from him but what other choice do i have? i don't want to end up like my mom taking care of someone who seems to be a pain in the ass living off of her and trying to control her life.
dude is spending up all his money up and i guarantee you that he'll turn around and say that he can't pay the bill or that he needs to borrow money for work, ready to do the same expected bs again using and abusing somebody.
Nation, are you making plans to leave? Are you talking with your mom about going with you? How about your brother? Do I make any sense about getting out from under him?
Yes, anything nice he is doing is either a weak moment or a scheme for later gain. Giving you his shirt while he figures out how to steal your pants. Owes you a hundred dollars, buys you a 10 dollar trinket & considers it repayment.
Naturally, details differ from one person to another. But I have known a few abusers up close & personal. Their main motivation in life is to control others as much as possible and to be offended if the victim doesn't go along.
Please tell me you are working out a plan to leave. Imagine yourself 20 years down the road, realizing you have become your father.j
This brings back memories. I worked a few months for a restaurant owner who was a brilliant man in some ways, but a Jekyll & Hyde as well. He could charm anyone into anything or out of anything. May give you the shirt off his back but steal your pants while doing it. When he was happy with you, you could do no wrong. Any problem was someone else's fault. Later that day it WAS your fault. You did this or didn't do that, etc. He had shouting matches with employees out on the floor. His wife came in and helped nights, after working her job (she kept the family together). He often abused & humiliated her for some imagined slight.
He owed money to lots of employees and creditors. Was a genius on stringing them along. He also came between boyfriends/girlfriends that both worked there, came between other friends. A good friend of mine worked there that had been like a brother to me. He found creepy ways to get us angry at each other & him look innocent all the while. The friendship never really recovered. We talked some later on & both realized we had been manipulated. We made peace but the bond was gone.
I suggest you find a way to get you & your family as far away from your father as possible. That kind of abuser either cannot or will not change. It's like they are programmed that way & the thrill of their drama is too intoxicating. Figure out a way to move in the night or while he is away a few days, etc. Move at least several states away. The next town will not do. Move somewhere the family has no history or never talked about going to.
You cannot change your father, sorry to say. He will drain all of you until you are mental cases too. Distance is the only way for you to start healing and living a normal life. DO NOT leave information with anyone. He will talk to everyone in town and get the info. He controls others same as he has controlled you. If you need to stay in touch with anyone, get a cell phone and block the number from caller ID. Use it to call and speak with person. Again,tell nothing about where you are, just that you are all OK. Don't tell whether you are together or separate. If possible, come up with some cover story about where you came from. Even check with attorney about changing your names. Sounds extreme but if your father is violent, he will search every data base on the web looking for you. Make new friends in your new town, find work, find a new life & start healing.
I knew a couple with an abusive mother/MIL, not as public as person above, but still a miserable old woman
who loved spreading the misery around. I saw this couple get worn down by her until they had no joy in life. They should have moved the day they got married. Announce a honeymoon, just don't tell that it's followed by a 1 way trip to somewhere.
People are often found through motor vehicle registration, though it's not legal, so if you are changing your id, change your car tags and also your name on your driver's license. Maybe get a new driver's license, if you can. I would consult a lawyer.
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