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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,274,581 times
Reputation: 11862
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd
Of course it can and it's not that unusual. Fathers just show their love differently than mothers do.
Love is a strange thing. It's tempting to view it cynically as just a function of how much self-interest you invest in another, i.e. how close you are to them and how they relate to your existence. The degrees of love are like radiating circle, depending on how big your family is. Ultimately, the human family is one big family (in the literal sense, we all split from the same microscopic zygote, eons ago, just as the universe came from a point the size of an atom), so I think our innate love extends to all human beings, even though we sometimes hate each other. Hate is not necessarily the opposite of love but maybe a frustrated, corrupted attempt at love. It's just the intensity of our love is strongest at it's core; firstly towards our family and ourselves, gradually growing weaker as it radiates out to the different 'rings': extended family/friends, community, nation/ethnic group, humanity, life in general.
I don't see much difference between the way I feel about the kids, and the way my husband feels about them. He may be quicker to get upset or to yell, but that's more a part of his basic personality than any lack of feeling. I used to think I would have a closer bond with the kids since I was the one who carried them and gave birth to them, but that's not really true. Maybe the first year or two when they're so tiny and fragile, and one end or the other always needs attention, but once they can communicate and start developing their own little personalities, it's easier for the dad to bond with them. I think the first year or so is mostly instinct on the mother's part and I don't know if dads have those instincts or not.
The way he feels about the kids has even helped him to rebuild a relationship with his mother, because he can't imagine our kids growing up and deciding not to talk to him anymore.
I think part of the reason that people love their kids more than their parents or siblings is that they are responsible for molding the child into the kind of person they want them to be...so any attitude or character flaws in the child are more of a source of guilt for the parent than a cause to sever the relationship (talking about adult children here, of course). And with your other relatives, the older you get and the more you reflect on them once you're not living with them, the harder it is to like them sometimes. I have issues with my parents that I could never have with my children.
Spouse first...but some things are so close, there is almost no difference.
And really it's just a different kind of love, not really anything that can be compared, you shouldn't love your spouse like you love a child, you should also love a spouse sexually, romantically but not as a parent. A child is different, you love a child like you love a child as a parent.
Don't you think a lot of it has to do with what your children are like? I mean, you CHOOSE to be with your spouse based on the person he/she is. With kids, you just pop out a randomly determined mix of genetic material and hope for the best. How you raise them plays a big role, but there are plenty of kids who have great parents and they're still little brats.
I see kids all the time in my day to day life that make me wonder how ANYONE could love them, even their mothers. The other day I saw a kid at a diner throw not just a temper tantrum but an out-of-control SCREAMING fit because his brother got a bigger piece of key lime pie for dessert than he did. This was not a 2-year-old either; he was probably in first or second grade. Mom and dad seemed to be attentive and assertive parents and they STILL couldn't control this little monster. I would find it VERY difficult to love that kid more than my spouse, if I had one.
On the other hand, I have a couple friends who have kids that are an absolute BLAST. Polite, funny, clever, upbeat, mischievous but in a cool/funny way and not an annoying way. I love these kids and they aren't even mine. I understand why their parents gush over them because I would too if they came from my sac.
Im very close with my family and love them all dearly, but I love and will always love my children more than anyone else except my grandchildren. My grandkids are equal to my kids in my heart.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,274,581 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
I don't see much difference between the way I feel about the kids, and the way my husband feels about them. He may be quicker to get upset or to yell, but that's more a part of his basic personality than any lack of feeling. I used to think I would have a closer bond with the kids since I was the one who carried them and gave birth to them, but that's not really true. Maybe the first year or two when they're so tiny and fragile, and one end or the other always needs attention, but once they can communicate and start developing their own little personalities, it's easier for the dad to bond with them. I think the first year or so is mostly instinct on the mother's part and I don't know if dads have those instincts or not.
The way he feels about the kids has even helped him to rebuild a relationship with his mother, because he can't imagine our kids growing up and deciding not to talk to him anymore.
I think part of the reason that people love their kids more than their parents or siblings is that they are responsible for molding the child into the kind of person they want them to be...so any attitude or character flaws in the child are more of a source of guilt for the parent than a cause to sever the relationship (talking about adult children here, of course). And with your other relatives, the older you get and the more you reflect on them once you're not living with them, the harder it is to like them sometimes. I have issues with my parents that I could never have with my children.
Good point, these days with men having a more active role in parenting, they have started to become the 'go-to parent' as much as mum. Maybe humans are more like birds than other primates in that respect, that the male role in parenting is as much as the female, and consequently the children do love him as much.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,274,581 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy
Don't you think a lot of it has to do with what your children are like? I mean, you CHOOSE to be with your spouse based on the person he/she is. With kids, you just pop out a randomly determined mix of genetic material and hope for the best. How you raise them plays a big role, but there are plenty of kids who have great parents and they're still little brats.
I see kids all the time in my day to day life that make me wonder how ANYONE could love them, even their mothers. The other day I saw a kid at a diner throw not just a temper tantrum but an out-of-control SCREAMING fit because his brother got a bigger piece of key lime pie for dessert than he did. This was not a 2-year-old either; he was probably in first or second grade. Mom and dad seemed to be attentive and assertive parents and they STILL couldn't control this little monster. I would find it VERY difficult to love that kid more than my spouse, if I had one.
On the other hand, I have a couple friends who have kids that are an absolute BLAST. Polite, funny, clever, upbeat, mischievous but in a cool/funny way and not an annoying way. I love these kids and they aren't even mine. I understand why their parents gush over them because I would too if they came from my sac.
In summary...... I think it just depends.
I wonder if there's a point where very strong dislike completely overrides the innate instinct of parental love? I imagine such a point does exist for most people.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,052,518 times
Reputation: 9419
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy
Don't you think a lot of it has to do with what your children are like? I mean, you CHOOSE to be with your spouse based on the person he/she is. With kids, you just pop out a randomly determined mix of genetic material and hope for the best. How you raise them plays a big role, but there are plenty of kids who have great parents and they're still little brats.
I see kids all the time in my day to day life that make me wonder how ANYONE could love them, even their mothers. The other day I saw a kid at a diner throw not just a temper tantrum but an out-of-control SCREAMING fit because his brother got a bigger piece of key lime pie for dessert than he did. This was not a 2-year-old either; he was probably in first or second grade. Mom and dad seemed to be attentive and assertive parents and they STILL couldn't control this little monster. I would find it VERY difficult to love that kid more than my spouse, if I had one.
On the other hand, I have a couple friends who have kids that are an absolute BLAST. Polite, funny, clever, upbeat, mischievous but in a cool/funny way and not an annoying way. I love these kids and they aren't even mine. I understand why their parents gush over them because I would too if they came from my sac.
In summary...... I think it just depends.
You're describing conditional love; I'll love you if; you're good....well behaved....get good grades.... I suppose some parents are like that but most parents love their children unconditionally. That doesn't mean they approve of their misbehavings and such. But true love isn't conditional.
I wonder if there's a point where very strong dislike completely overrides the innate instinct of parental love? I imagine such a point does exist for most people.
You're damn right there is, it's just that most parents would NEVER admit it and many won't even consciously acknowledge it to themselves.
There is a web site out there, and I can't remember the URL but I'm sure you could find it pretty quickly if you're good with Google, it's titled "I Hate Being a Mom" or something to that effect. It's basically a bunch of women who go on there and vent anonymously about how having children was the worst decision they ever made. These aren't Susan Smith/Casey Anthony type moms either; I spent about an hour on there one day and it was obvious most of them were very dedicated and involved parents. Deep down though, they resented their children for turning out to be such brats and for being more trouble than they were worth. It was eye-opening, to say the least.
I don't believe I love my children more than my spouse or parents....it may appear that I do though...because my children need me the most right now...and I can probably say that I have more concern for their welfare than for others.....I am also probably more expressive of my love for my children than I am of ...say my parents or sisters/brothers etc...simply because I've had the opportunity to huuuug, and kiiiiss them as young ones any time I've felt the desire....but I definately love my family as well.
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