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Most parents vent about their kids at least some of the time, and during moments of frustration they will say or feel they regretted the decision, but I think once you already have kids, and have passed along your DNA to another human being, it's pretty hard to feel no attachment to them.
Like you said, most of these mothers probably still love their children deep down. I don't doubt, though, there is a sizeable cachet of mums who have such an abiding resentment for their offspring that the little love they have is redundant.
Most of my friends with kids have blogs where they vent about wanting to drive out to the country and leave the kids by the side of the road sometimes, but deep down they don't regret or resent their children. I think it's just a reaction to the "everything perfect all the time always" school of parenting. Parents like to see that sometimes other parents are frustrated or exhausted, and that's okay.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd
And that's sad. I heard it put like this once, paraphrased; that your children whom you'd most likely die for if you had to, are but guests in your home. You raise them, love them, nurture them, and send them on their way. Your spouse is forever--if you do it right. You put them first and together, you put the children first.
Children are a result of the love of that union, or are supposed to be. I think parents bring their kids in the world so they have that responsibility. If they do their jobs right their kids will naturally be grateful, even if they don't show it.
I don't think any parent should feel too sad when children leave. They'll always be your baby boy/girl even if they don't live with you, and hopefully they will try to still maintain that relationship.
It is sad how the bond between alot of married couples is so brittle. I get what some mean by being too child-centric, I assume that's what people are talking about when they mean putting the kids first, not necessarily loving them less. But the idea of 'putting your children second' is slightly worrying.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
Most of my friends with kids have blogs where they vent about wanting to drive out to the country and leave the kids by the side of the road sometimes, but deep down they don't regret or resent their children. I think it's just a reaction to the "everything perfect all the time always" school of parenting. Parents like to see that sometimes other parents are frustrated or exhausted, and that's okay.
TV sitcoms have shown us that even the most dysfunctional sitcoms are still families.
Haven't seen anyone 'divorce' their children, lol. Most parents seem to care more for their kids than their spouses.
It's funny because I always saw the bond between blood relatives as stronger than the bond between spouses, at least at the deep level. I'm sure many see it differently.
That's a strange concept to me - to have the bond between blood relatives be stronger than the bond between spouses.
And I still don't agree that parents "care more for their kids than their spouses".
Again, it can APPEAR that way because we parents can be so protective of our children, but reality is not always the perception.
It is sad how the bond between alot of married couples is so brittle.
When this is the case, though, it's highly likely that there are underlying causes that don't have much to do with the presence or lack of a presence of children. Couples who don't have a strong bond don't have a strong bond, and remaining childless because one doesn't want the competition of the parent-child bond is an indicator that the couple's bond is already shaky. Raising children shouldn't diminish a couple's bond, if all things are healthy...if anything, it should strengthen it, to take on that task together. One issue with couples that don't make it as families is that they really aren't taking on the task together. It's often the kind of thing where one wanted it more than the other, and the one who didn't want it as much is resentful.
Quote:
I get what some mean by being too child-centric, I assume that's what people are talking about when they mean putting the kids first, not necessarily loving them less. But the idea of 'putting your children second' is slightly worrying.
To me, it's immensely worrying. Your spouse isn't completely and solely dependent upon you for his or her health, safety, emotional development and wellbeing, nurturing, and protection. Your children, up to a certain point, are. The needs of the two entities are, or should be, completely different. I have known spouses who expected to be taken care of as if they were children, and in those cases, WERE resentful of attention diverted to kids. Again: unhealthy.
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
That's a strange concept to me - to have the bond between blood relatives be stronger than the bond between spouses.
And I still don't agree that parents "care more for their kids than their spouses".
Again, it can APPEAR that way because we parents can be so protective of our children, but reality is not always the perception.
Interesting, I wonder if your view is shared by most? I've always assumed that blood is thicker than water, but alot of people don't really seem to care much for family. I've always assumed deep down they loved them, whereas it was easier to totally cut an ex out of your life.
It does seem that way to me. Maybe you are blessed to have a particularly close bond with your husband/wife.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
When this is the case, though, it's highly likely that there are underlying causes that don't have much to do with the presence or lack of a presence of children. Couples who don't have a strong bond don't have a strong bond, and remaining childless because one doesn't want the competition of the parent-child bond is an indicator that the couple's bond is already shaky. Raising children shouldn't diminish a couple's bond, if all things are healthy...if anything, it should strengthen it, to take on that task together. One issue with couples that don't make it as families is that they really aren't taking on the task together. It's often the kind of thing where one wanted it more than the other, and the one who didn't want it as much is resentful.
To me, it's immensely worrying. Your spouse isn't completely and solely dependent upon you for his or her health, safety, emotional development and wellbeing, nurturing, and protection. Your children, up to a certain point, are. The needs of the two entities are, or should be, completely different. I have known spouses who expected to be taken care of as if they were children, and in those cases, WERE resentful of attention diverted to kids. Again: unhealthy.
No I'm not blaming the breakdown of marriages on children, I'm just saying in general, children or not, married couples don't seem as deeply commited to loving each other and being loyal to each other as in days past.
As to the second point, some would argue the ultimate purpose of us getting together in the first place is procreation and raising the next generation.
Boy, I have. Countless cases where parents haven't seen their kids in decades and profess no love for them.
Really? I know a few cases where parents/children are significantly estranged...but it's not the norm among people I personally know, and certainly nowhere in the neighborhood of "countless" cases. I suppose it's probably true that we are immersed in significantly different crowds, though. But, still, "countless" cases of parent/child estrangement does not really sound like a societal norm, to me.
Interesting, I wonder if your view is shared by most? I've always assumed that blood is thicker than water, but alot of people don't really seem to care much for family. I've always assumed deep down they loved them, whereas it was easier to totally cut an ex out of your life.
It does seem that way to me. Maybe you are blessed to have a particularly close bond with your husband/wife.
Well, in western culture at least I do believe the bond between husband and wife is much stronger than what you'll have with your "blood family" (meaning parents, grandparents, and siblings).
Part of this is because as Christians we are taught to "leave and cleave"
Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
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