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I divorced after 15 yrs and 2 kids b/c we had grown in different directions. We did not have the same outlook or interests. It was hard on all 4 of us but I am happy now. I think he has been happy, too. He remarried to a very nice woman. I say discuss it and if she won't at least give Alaska a try, go alone.
Divorce will solve all your problems. It will also leave you with a whole bunch of new problems. It is hard to find someone that really truly loves you, that you love in return. If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with my wife and have a good discussion about where you are and where you both would like to be in five years. You might be surprised at the answers to some of your questions. One thing I do know, the grass is not near as green on the other side of the fence as it may appear to you right now. Being single isn't what it looks like.
First I should say my wife and I absolutely love each other. We're generally good together and can make each other laugh, and we still enjoy each others company after 5 years of marriage.
There is your answer. Do you realise how hard it is to find someone who loves you as you are, who makes you laugh and enjoys your company?
Goals can be negotiated, love is fleeting and ethereal.
Don't give up on your love for such a meaningless thing in the whole scheme of things.
If you break it off with your wife, you should have your head examiined. If you do some further research on singles sights you will find hundreds of people who have been in unhappy relationships with people that treated them like crap, and they are still looking for love, very frustrated and very unhappy. A good wife is a true treasure and worth far more an "adventures" with lots of other women and new places. Try a little compromise. Take some trips together to these wonderful places. The reality is, that many places in our country offer all types of recreation, but what you find is that a lot of people that live there rarely take advantage of it. Why? Life gets in the way, children and their activities, sickness, work, fix ups, visiting relatives, etc. There's always people trying to convince you that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Usually,it isn't.
She says alaska is "too far," and she imagines our future child and our nephew being close...I suppose all 3 sisters experiencing it together I guess. I said that never happens...I visited my cousins every week yet we eventually grew up and went our separate ways. Now we only see eachother at reunions and that's perfectly fine. I said doing cool activities as a family unit together would probably be more beneficial than hanging out with the cousin every week...that that's not worth giving up all the other potential experiences for.
Then she replies "I don't want my nephew to not know me!"
Then were back from where we started basically.
This isn't a grass is greener idea either. I'm not stuck on "life will be better in Alaska..." I'm more stuck on "I wanna ski, fish, walk the trails, not have 90 degree weather, watch the iditarod, etc etc etc" stuff that Alaska offers. And its not about wanting to be with other women either, although I admit sometimes I wonder what that would be like. I believe she wonders what other guys would be like as well...neither of us really have a reference for that, so...who knows.
I don't really see how a compromise would work. No other place compares for me, and for her no other place has her family. We've thought about Denver which will be about 12 hours from her family, but although nice...its not where I want to be (I've been to Denver). We would both just be miserable and the question of Alaska would remain...and kids might be in the picture.
Geography isn't the only driving force behind this idea - also that we've never been away from one another to see what we are like. She has no real hobbies, and I just discovered ice skating can actually be fun (never been having grown up in TX until she took me). She didn't particularly enjoy it, but I'm left wondering what else I might like I've never tried.
The slowly getting her into it by visiting idea worries me because it leaves open the possibility of children. Although we use protection there is still a chance, and regardless it doesn't address the other issues.
Either way, if we divorce or I submit to the staying near her family idea, this is one of those moments in life where you look back with regret. And again, even if I gave up the Alaska dream we would still have the same issues...about being eachothers crutch, not having experience with others and where that may lead in the future, and then I'm now wondering about how often this cousin spending time with cousin thing entails, who goes where, if its "husband free time" etc etc. Blah.
Oh, we've been discussing Alaska the past week. She passively goes along with the idea but admits she would rather stay here. I brought up just tonight I was having some doubts about us long term, wanting different things, different ideas about family, and also the crutch thing and that we have no experience with others and if that might be a problem down the road. She replied by going to bed...I youtubed anchorage videos.
Honestly? I think she's the one who needs to bend a little. You're her husband. Spouses come before nephews and cousins. Indeed, once you're married, your spouse comes first, period.
I'm not saying you get to be the dictator and say, "Come along, little miss, we're going to Alaska." But that she needs to let go of the apron strings.
Could just be my own independence talking, but if I may be brutal about it, her attachment to her extended family seems a bit ridiculous and more than a bit codependent.
This might sound ridiculous to some, but I'm hoping those that have "been there done that " can give some advice...
First I should say my wife and I absolutely love each other. We're generally good together and can make each other laugh, and we still enjoy each others company after 5 years of marriage. However - we married young (barely 20), where each others first sexual and serious relationship (I never had a gf before her, she only went on a few dates before me), and on top of that we've changed a lot since getting together. She turned towards the "settle down and start a family" road while I'm not exactly ready, at least in our current state.
A good example is when we met we talked about moving to Alaska. Eight years later, here we are in a position to pursue it (good careers, money coming in), and now she's backing away from it. It seems her "ideal family" has become extended family focused, and raising a family near her parents and sisters and nephew. I don't blame her for wanting that, but at the same time - my "ideal family" is different. The only plus for the state we are living in now is that her family is here. It's an incredibly flat farm state and offers little but corn, factories, and a few shopping centers...not the place I imagined I would settle down at. I would absolutely love for family outings to be more along the lines of mountains, hiking trails, explore the scenery or winter activities, rather than..."let's go walk around grandmas farm," or "let's go to the mall!"
Another big issue is that we've become each others crutch. Since we started together young we've never truly been on our own. We both have issues that I suppose we've relied on the other person to help us through, rather than tackle the problem ourselves head on. I'm largely immature and she's the "come with me everywhere I go" shy. We've been working on these issues throughout the years, but...I'll be 30 in 4 years for God sake.
So that's where we are...
No cheating, abuse, name calling or any of those things, and I think we've done extremely well for being our first relationship, but I would hate for us to go on and underlying issues to surface again in 10 years or so...this time with children involved.
So does going our own separate way, growing as people and discovering what we want out of life make sense for us, or am I being selfish and unreasonable for considering it?
Marriage requires 100 percent on both individuals parts and compromise is required. Is she willing to look at perhaps Washington state or Oregon instead of Alaska as a compromise? Most divorces occur due to selfishness ie, I want my freedom, I want someone that looks or responds to me in a certain way or my needs are not being met and I am tired of sleeping with the same person. You need to find your middle ground something that both of you can live with. It sounds like you may not be effectively communicating your wants and desires, if she has decided that she wants to live where you currently live for the rest of her life. It sounds like you both have a problem with selfishness and communication. Marriage requires work and concerted effort In addition, a good relationship brings out the best within you and will inspire you to be the best you that you can be. There is not anyone that does not have their own" issues" helping each other to overcome them is a process and can help your relationship to mature and grow... good luck
Male prospects for finding a partner in Alaska are challenging. Since there are fewer females; the women typically marry younger, and to older men. One's who have established both material resource and social status.
A common saying among women in Alaska, with regard to finding a mate, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
It's not all that unusual to fantasize about what you think you want. Usually what you really want is something else entirely. Longing for change is common.
And I've lived in some of those rectangular flat states and I'll admit they aren't all that interesting.
Maybe you should go see Alaska and take a look. Together.
When you get married, you become your own family unit. A couple's first loyalty should be to each other. You two need to discuss this in earnest and find out where you stand. If you got a great job offer in Timbuktu, would she go? Or would she be afraid to leave her parents and sibs?
If I was in your shoes, I would be very concerned for the future of the relationship if her true loyalties were not with me. And you might as well find out now. You are both just getting older!
It's not all that unusual to fantasize about what you think you want. Usually what you really want is something else entirely. Longing for change is common.
And I've lived in some of those rectangular flat states and I'll admit they aren't all that interesting.
Maybe you should go see Alaska and take a look. Together.
When you get married, you become your own family unit. A couple's first loyalty should be to each other. You two need to discuss this in earnest and find out where you stand. If you got a great job offer in Timbuktu, would she go? Or would she be afraid to leave her parents and sibs?
If I was in your shoes, I would be very concerned for the future of the relationship if her true loyalties were not with me. And you might as well find out now. You are both just getting older!
what a great post u got rep.
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