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Took a peek at the book. looks good. Now, if there was a book for HIM that he would actually read and digest, now that would be something else, but he has done nothing.
Nothing ever, nothing in the world. Yesterday, still he says he has done nothing, it was my choice to leave and it is my fault. It is my fault, and things should go as he says. He tried. I did not.
I let him know I tried for so very long, and he never changed. I changed myself, and thatas all I could do, but I wouldn't go to counsel with him, he said. I went once. Nothing. It was all about him, even though I layed it all it out. His counselor was dumbfounded.
He said he still sees her. I asked if he has recognized any problem that he may have... No. I said then there is a problem, if you are going to counselling and getting nothing from it, she is not bringing anything out of it for you.
You did these things, and a perfect example that is on paper that you cannot deny that you did was the night you and your mother had me taken away in a police car to a mental facility to be evaluated and possibly hospitalized in a mental facility.
That was emotionally and mentally abusive in itself. It was traumatizing, but you know what? As much as it hurt and pained me, that night, and for a long time after, and still brings tears thinking of it, it has made me stronger.
I could have broken down that night, still while I was trying to gain my strength, still while I was trying to get away from he and his abuse, but i didn't.
I overcame it. I am stronger for it. He can never take back the fact that he did it. it is in black and white.
How difficult it is to prove emotional abuse...but that right there is in black and white. There was nothing wrong with me, and everyone knew it, from everyone in my house that night, to the police officers, to the case workers and RNs. They all knew it! He knew it. But he was banking ont he chance that I would go off....or something. I dont know what he was thinking. Who ever does.
How could I abuse you if I tell you I love you everyday? If I have a job and provide for the family?
He says I was dictating allowing him to see the kids yesterday, and I was not. But he was dictating me taking them for the weekend to see my sister, as was his whole family there in that living room that night. They all have issues.
He knows I don't want his mother alone with my kids, hardly even with my kids. I got so mad at her that night...I slammed my HAND on the wall, not my head, as she told the police, as she lied and told the police, and the magistrate.
I slammed my hand on the wall and had the fight or flight feeling, and I do not fight, so I flew, I flew out the door and down the road in my pajamas.
She was trying to tell me what I could or could not do with my kids and told me she had every right, and that I did not.
She allowed her daughter to be molested for several years by her husband, not the girls father, but makes no difference, and did nothing about it, then when she turned 18, they kicked her out. She did nothing about it until finally he punched her in the face. he emotionally abused her and her dd and J, but I dont think their 2 dds.
She did nothing about it until they got divorced, then she drudged it up and accused him of it, 15 years later. And I am going to allow that woman to tell me what I can do with my children. And she has so much evil, wickedness within her.
I dont care where it came from, it is there, and she wont acknowledge it, just like he wont. And it is all ok, and they think they are the best. No. they need help for these things.
They are abusive, and they were abused. He abused me and the kids for so many years, and says he didn't. He did. I told him he did the things her ex did, he got so mad at me, he molested no one, I said it was his other behaviors.
Now. He had a bad childhood. His mother had a bad marriage. She allowed molestation of her child to go on for years. Why?
Why did I? I was clueless. When I realized finally, that these things were not normal, I did everything I could to remove myself and kids from the situation, but he calls it...you didn't try. if you valued or cared about our marriage and the time we had vested in it, you would have tried.
Why? So he could never change and keep abusing us? I dont think so.
I woke up angry today, and it has come across in my post. I am sorry. But maybe sometimes this is a good thing. You cannot bottle anger. You cannot bottle feelings. That, in itself, is an issue.
I did not screw up yesterday, as he said I did. He did. Then he tried to cover it up with A, and grill him. He put him in a place where he did not want to be. When A called him back the first thing he said to ib was, Man, I dont like it when you do that.
He allowed himself to exhibit his feelings, and to me, I think that was a good thing, only after that, silence fell for about 8 minutes.
...."We should both be supporting the kids...50/50 since we have joint custody."
Robyn, it might be time for you to consider cutting him off from the kids until a mental health professional can evaluate his personality disorder- what A went through last night is harassment. Heck, if IB really hung up on L, then she was, in a sense, abused as well.
I think he's losing it. You're getting stronger and he's coming unraveled.
He will not go on my accord. I know he has a personality disorder, and I have talked to him about it for years, and he calls me crazy for even saying it.
I think he has Bipolar and Boderline Personality Disorder. I was also given a link on
I dont know right now how that will show up, but it is Intermittant Explosive Disorder, and fits him to a T. Click on it, it is him......
Good morning Robyn - I'm sorry you and the kids had to go through all the crap with TJ and his mother yesterday. My personal opinion is that he's starting to "run scared." I have a feeling he pretty much knows, at some level, that he is wrong and he is going to have the rude awakening we've all talked about when things go to court - therefore, he wants you two to work things out ahead of time, he's "going to talk to his lawyer" - he's using the "intimidation tactics" he used on you before - he still doesn't quite realize you are no longer the you he knows.
Grilling A like he did is unacceptable, plain and simple. That IS abuse and it should be brought up in court, as should the way he treats L. TJ is digging his hole deeper and now he's starting to "panic." He is responding as he always has - by lashing out - at you and A and L, with his mommy as the cheerleader. What you posted about her explains a lot - she's as "stuck" in immaturity as he is. It's what he knows.
You are doing the right thing - you are moving forward, no matter how many curves he throws at you - he isn't - he's still trying to hang on anyway he can and it's not working. Unfortunately, I think he's going to get worse between now and your first court date. Just stay focused on your goal and doing what you are doing. Of course he didn't like what happened this weekend - you didn't "roll over" and do his bidding!
Bipolar or borderline would definitely describe TJ, unfortunately, if any professional told him they were diagnosing him as such, that would be the end of any counseling/therapy - he would then turn his anger and dysfunction on them and 'fire' them - he's not ready to hear the truth.
Robyn, please don't apologize for your anger - it's normal, it's appropriate and it is what is going to help you get through the weeks until court - you are using that anger to keep you focused, you are not lashing out at the kids, taking it out on the kitties, etc. - you are using it to keep yourself focused and to not get pulled back into his garbage.
It's obvious A was uncomfortable when TJ started grilling him. Tell A that if TJ does that again, it's perfectly fine for him to tell TJ that he has to go, or even better, if A is able to, have him tell TJ that he does not want to be put in the middle of what is going on and to hang up - A may not be able to do that yet, if not, that's okay, too. If TJ calls right back, don't answer the phone. A does not need the "long distance" abuse - he had enough of it first hand.
Use the anger to keep you focused. It won't be long and TJ will be brought back to reality by the courts. As someone said, set up the payments through the court system or however it is done in your state - if you can set them up so they are automatically deducted from his pay, so much the better. The less you will have to deal with TJ the better off you will be. Yes, you will have to deal with him on some level because of the children, but that will basically be limited to how to get the kids from one point to the other and what times....
You, A and L are all going to come through this fine. Right now the "unknowns" are hard to handle and with TJ throwing in his (and mommy's) ideas, it makes it doubly hard. Once the courts have decided, then things will be better - at least you will then have it on paper what is expected and what is to be done. Until then, just keep doing what you're doing and click....click.....click <g>.
IMO, he's just a wack job, no matter what label you put on it. Seems like he's acting like a 4 y.o. that can't get his favorite toy, so he's going to be ugly to everyone. There is NO excuse for hanging up on your child(L). There is NO excuse for dumping all your problems and woes to a 13 y.o.(A). It's like he's trying to excuse and rationalize his behavior and blaming it on you. "Look, this is how you made me, this is what you made me do". Isn't that typical abusive behavior? We both know that abuse comes in many forms, and just like any addict, until you can admit or own that you have a problem, you will never see it. Personally, I think it's time he smells the Tinka coffee and owns it.
I know that you've been trying to keep the peace and your reasons for allowing TJ to still get the kids even though you don't have appointed visitation, but maybe it's best to just have reasons that they need to be home for the next couple of weekends until things quiet down? Plans for a sleep over this weekend, school assignments, prior engagements? Just my thoughts.
P.S. Intermittent explosive disorder does sound a lot like someone we know and dislike.
Robyn, I'm sure every one of us "regulars" here is thrilled to see you angry and expressing it. That's what we've been waiting for!!
I would much rather see you *****ed than sad and upset- because with anger you're realizing that he is the problem. If you were said, it might be because you think you're the problem. And you are not.
You are absolutely right in everything you've done Robyn. He's pushing the limit and I do agree with everyone here that he is harassing you through the kids, and that's just abuse. Angry? Heck ya, you should be! I read up on IED and others can through the link below.
This guy is really, really sick.
I have been outta touch this weekend - the wonderful children i have crashed my computer.
You all have said it and Robyn you know it. You have done nothing but bend over backwards so that he can't point his finger at you - so what - LET HIM. What is he gonna tell the judge - she won't let me see my kids? You're darn tootin Your Honor - the man was evicted and is staying with his sis and crazy mother in a FULL house. I do not want my children there (insert MANY reasons) mostly because they gang up on the children and slander me. Also Your Honor - I am trying to do what is right for the children and provide for them and make sure that they are emotionally supported at this difficult time - their father is doing everything he can to make me look bad and it is hurting the children.
I want to know how you screwed up - because you didn't do what he wanted you to? That is crazy - make sure you document how he threatens and controls you - AAAAHHHH he makes me sooo mad.
Let me explain joint custody - it does not mean he gets them 50% and you get them 50% - it simply means that you both have the right to be an equal when it comes to deciding life decisions for the children - medical, school...etc. I have it with my ex (noth that he EVER does anything with it) and he is allowed to see them e/o weekend.
He is ranting and trying to control you - I know you know that - but if he really believes that you screwed up - he would shut his darn mouth and let you keep doing it so that he could throw that out at the judge....don't sweat it!
And the 911 call - that is perfect!
Poor A - I feel so bad for that kid - it may suck that L gets less - but she is soo much better off.
Robyn - I am very proud of you -it's about time you got mad. You don't deserve this manipulation - don't take it - not for one second. He is reaping what he sowed!
So much good stuff goin' on here this morning!! Again, I can't rep most of you.
Robyn, the anger is good. As you as you process it in a healthy way, it will help you stay focused and strong.
Jim is clueless.
The point that Sunny was making is a good one about the Co-Dep. stuff. It may, at times, sound as if you are to blame for some of what is going on. What we all need to see is that our own behavior, even well intentioned, can come back and bite us in the rump. Those of us who have co-dep traits (not saying anyone here is co-dep!!...I know I'm not....smirk!), tend to do the very, good girl thing. We stand by our man, care take, love, and honor. Then when they don't respond in kind and get with the program, we get angry. For us common sense and decency says one thing. To them is says something totally different. OK. We are such good girls/people we try to help them along. We are patient. We cover for them in public. We do everything we can to make life good for everyone around us. Nothing changes. For logical people, we can't understand why some people do what they do. We use all our energy trying to understand and 'fix' them. You can't make a pig fly. They won't see things the way we do, and we will never understand their mode of thought. Our brains just are not wired the same way....never will be.
One definition of crazy is "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results". Just won't happen until you try a different strategy. Robyn, you did that. You are seeing different results. Not better for the moment, but different. The difference may not be IB's responses, but your own responses. You are realizing you have choices, control, and successes in your life!!!!
Is there any way you could talk to A about his options when he talks to his father? IB is not gonna change. All those around him can do is manage the situation with their own behavior. I wish A could get some training using the "I" word when he expresses his needs. "I won't talk to you about this. I'm a kid. I'm not your therapist. I can't/won't listen to you talk about problems between you and Mom". Yep, IB will flip, but what's he gonna do? Demand that A talk to him about this stuff? A will need to learn how to protect himself.....even from his own father.
I did read most of the reviews about the Bancroft book on Amazon. I took special note of the ones that were negative. I can see where this book may cause issues that can be a problem. Please read those reviews, and keep their thoughts in mind when you read any of these self-help books. I still think I may need to pick up the book and give it a look....mainly because of my own behaviors.
On a side note, after reading what you guys talked about with the meds for pain, I stopped taking the stuff I'm on. I would really like to continue the discussion on another forum. Will you guys, who are involved with this issue, go to the health forum to continue the discussion? Thanks!
I also wanted to add something - I don't really agree with it - I am just trying to demonstrate that the judge will usually side with the mother unless there are pics of you having relations with barnyard animals and shooting up heroine - and even then they will let you slide.
My husband's ex kept his son from him for a year - from the time he was 4 mos to 1.5 years - then she would "forget" about his scheduled visitations - then she wouldn't tell him where he was going to preschool because she was remarried and didn't want anyone to know her hubby wasn't the child's father. She has the child call his step dad "Dad" and my husband "Daddy Joe." In court she said that it was an emotional time and she realizes she was wrong and is trying to change (lies) and the judge waved it away.
Don't worry about it - you are not going to get "in trouble" because he told you he couldn't take them and then at the last minute wanted you to jump through 10 hoops.
That is crazy. I know that you wanted your children to see him and I get it - but they do see it - A anyway!
Also - bring up the no homework thing - that puts an extra burden on the children and if he won't let them do their homework - he will get less time with them.....the court will try to make the right decision for the child - not for the parent.....
The sad thing is that TJ has never had anyone stand up to him and he is not sure what to do - so he is trying everything - hence the jeykll/hyde thing. Once again - be careful - when someone is in a corner - even if they put themselves there - they come out swinging.
You are so good at the click - I am proud of you!
It's gonna get harder before it gets easier and I am VERY glad you found your "mad!"
Still w anger. At the end of lunch here....very busy day. No calls fr him, thats good, dont want to hear fr him.
I have never in my life woken up angry like that before. Never. The phone is ringing off the hook and no one answers. I am at lunch....
gggrrrrr..... I dont know If it is the right thing to do to support my kids, can anyone help me with that? ugh
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