LT Relationships w/ No End Goal: Are They OK? (date, marry, love)
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I don't go into any relationship thinking that I'm going to marry the guy or move in with him. I go in thinking that I like him and I want to get to know him better.
Is there a cutoff for that? When does a relationship become "long term"?
Good question. I think that the cutoff is arbitrary and depends on the person — or couple.
Ideally, healthy relationships evolve and deepen with time. Couples grow closer to each other, trust each other more. As to when you decide that you cannot grow with the other person? I don't know. Perhaps it's simply intuitive. Or perhaps a couple undergoes a hardship together during which time one of them can't cope — or bails.
Sometimes I'll ask myself a question like: "If this man were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, could I deal with that? Would I be there by his side?"
Alternately: "Is this the person I would want making my end of life decisions for me, should I be incapacitated?"
The answer isn't clear at the start of a relationship, nor is it supposed to be. But after a certain amount of time passes by and the answer does become clear, that's the make or break.
Good question. I think that the cutoff is arbitrary and depends on the person — or couple.
Ideally, healthy relationships evolve and deepen with time. Couples grow closer to each other, trust each other more. As to when you decide that you cannot grow with the other person? I don't know. Perhaps it's simply intuitive. Or perhaps a couple undergoes a hardship together during which time one of them can't cope — or bails.
Sometimes I'll ask myself a question like: "If this man were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, could I deal with that? Would I be there by his side?"
Alternately: "Is this the person I would want making my end of life decisions for me, should I be incapacitated?"
The answer isn't clear at the start of a relationship, nor is it supposed to be. But after a certain amount of time passes by and the answer does become clear, that's the make or break.
That is what powers of attorney are for. There is precious little marriage can do that a power of attorney can't. In this day and age, you can bequeath what you want to whomever you want, name whomever you wish as beneficiaries of your will, etc. I can see if you want to have children and create a traditional family with married parents, but let's be honest here: Walking up an aisle is no guarantee of anything. Very few people get married thinking they'll end up divorced, and virtually no young people go into it expecting to be widowed any time soon. But it happens, every day.
Why, oh why, is it assumed that people MUST want to make a legal morass out of their finances and possessions at some point? Why is it assumed that people MUST want to live together at some point?
Conversely, why is living together some kind of goal that people "should" have? I have married friends who live in separate houses. They've been together for more than 30 years.
I also have friends who will be forever "engaged" and never marry because if they do, one of them will lose Social Security benefits. Many seniors are in relationships like that. And many seniors don't want to live with someone else or become someone else's caretaker. They also want to avoid the legal and estate complications of "common law marriage."
Is it reasonable for people to have cohabitation and marriage as life goals? Sure. But it is not unreasonable for people to be content with parallel, and not converging, lives.
Really, folks. "Shoulds" are what make divorce attorneys rich.
If you have strong feelings for/against something (anything at all), you should tell the person you're dating pretty soon after you start dating. Otherwise, you're leading them on and leading the both of you into a potentially difficult relationship indeed. Just don't be surprised when certain "I will never"s find you without a LTR at all.
That is what powers of attorney are for. There is precious little marriage can do that a power of attorney can't.
Of course. Now, to be fair: These arrangements can easily be contested at a (biological) family's discretion, if a single person is not married. The people who are considered your "family" (by law) will always be given certain deference. Spouses trump. Remember the Anna Nicole Smith court case?
I have a bias because I've worked in the legal field for quite some time and see how various scenarios play out. It's not uncommon for the wishes of an older/elderly person who is in a LTR to be overridden by the family's desires when push comes to shove. Once you see things like this happen, it makes you realize that the law is very clear on who "family" is and is not.
I am in a relationship, that is happy. But no plans for anything else. We live in the moment. At my age, it is perfect. When I had that damn "bio" clock, I had.a different point of view.
The important thing is being honest. I lost a nice guy a few years back, becaause I was clear, my career was first. I knew I was going to transfer. He wanted a wife, in his house. No thanks. We parted--- the odd thing was how bitter he was, like we "broke up"----weird.
Something another poster wrote in the "Multiple Engagements" topic got me thinking ...
Should you engage in a long-term relationship when you know that marriage (or living together or another LT/life commitment) isn't your long-term goal?
If so, how do you reinforce this decision with the person you're dating? Is this even possible when the other party might secretly hope that you'll change your mind one day?
Thoughts?
My LT goal is to be happy. Why must one of us want marriage or living together for it to be a "goal"?
As far as the two of you, I would think that you should be on the same page as far as long term goals...certainly at least be aware of any differences.
I don't know what you mean about a need to "reinforce" anything, just be open and honest about what you want. That is all that is needed.
Of course. Now, to be fair: These arrangements can easily be contested at a (biological) family's discretion, if a single person is not married. The people who are considered your "family" (by law) will always be given certain deference. Spouses trump. Remember the Anna Nicole Smith court case?
I have a bias because I've worked in the legal field for quite some time and see how various scenarios play out. It's not uncommon for the wishes of an older/elderly person who is in a LTR to be overridden by the family's desires when push comes to shove. Once you see things like this happen, it makes you realize that the law is very clear on who "family" is and is not.
Yes, you have to love it when people who only share genetics with the deceased come out of the woodwork to take what the deceased wanted to leave to the person he or she loved. That is indeed tragic. Sadder yet are the couples who won't marry because they are worried about how their children will take the "threat" to their inheritances. Makes you wonder what kind of spoiled brats they raised. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you find out what people are made of when someone dies and an estate is on the line.
However, good life insurance can go a long way toward countering a lot of nonsense. A beneficiary is a beneficiary. As for material goods, I'd think it would help to make sure that if you want something to go to someone, you give it to the person while you are still alive. Survivors often feel like it's morbid, but I really can't blame seniors who are getting up there in years or those who know they are dying for clearing out their homes and giving things away while they are still alive. Married or not, a gift to someone is a gift to someone, and possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Hmmm.....from what I observed I think unless you have a well paying job and an awesome life insurance. Perhaps getting married would benefit some if there is a death.
Hmmm.....from what I observed I think unless you have a well paying job and an awesome life insurance. Perhaps getting married would benefit some if there is a death.
Sure. One motivation behind getting married is to make sure that someone you love is "taken care of" in the event of your untimely demise, whether it's through assets, the house you live in, etc.
But there is a flipside to that. I think about this, because in this nosy, judgmental world of ours, people have had the lack of manners to get up in my face and my SO's and say, "Why don't you two get married already?" The only one we give a free pass to with that is his 91-year-old grandmother.
Aside from personal reasons, there are practical ones for not wanting to get married. For example, he has a house, two cars, and an expensive, gear-heavy hobby, and I am interested in none of that. I want nothing to do with homeownership (least of all on Long Island), from worrying about a shaky resale market and dropping property values to dealing with storm damage. Heaven forbid something should happen to him, his family can clean out his house and deal with selling his cars, etc. I'd rather not put myself through the hassle and aggravation, especially when I'd be grieving. I've seen what people go through with that, with the aforementioned idiots crawling out of the woodwork laying claim, and just no. His stuff, his family, they can have it. It sounds cold, but there it is. If I wanted to blend and merge that way, I'd be dating someone with the goal of marriage. Heck, I'd have married my college sweetheart, or stayed married to my ex. Money and material goods aren't everything. Quite often they are more of a PITA than they are worth.
And my days of cleaning whiskers out of the sink and man-pee off the toilet rim are over, I don't care whose they are.
Sure. One motivation behind getting married is to make sure that someone you love is "taken care of" in the event of your untimely demise, whether it's through assets, the house you live in, etc.
But there is a flipside to that. I think about this, because in this nosy, judgmental world of ours, people have had the lack of manners to get up in my face and my SO's and say, "Why don't you two get married already?" The only one we give a free pass to with that is his 91-year-old grandmother.
Aside from personal reasons, there are practical ones for not wanting to get married. For example, he has a house, two cars, and an expensive, gear-heavy hobby, and I am interested in none of that. I want nothing to do with homeownership (least of all on Long Island), from worrying about a shaky resale market and dropping property values to dealing with storm damage. Heaven forbid something should happen to him, his family can clean out his house and deal with selling his cars, etc. I'd rather not put myself through the hassle and aggravation, especially when I'd be grieving. I've seen what people go through with that, with the aforementioned idiots crawling out of the woodwork laying claim, and just no. His stuff, his family, they can have it. It sounds cold, but there it is. If I wanted to blend and merge that way, I'd be dating someone with the goal of marriage. Heck, I'd have married my college sweetheart, or stayed married to my ex. Money and material goods aren't everything. Quite often they are more of a PITA than they are worth.
Wow I understand your point. I wouldn't want to deal with that either. But also the hassle of if you didn't put both your names on accounts,credit cards, etc proving that your spouse is decease over and over is depressing.
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His stuff, his family, they can have it. It sounds cold, but there it is. If I wanted to blend and merge that way, I'd be dating someone with the goal of marriage. Heck, I'd have married my college sweetheart, or stayed married to my ex. Money and material goods aren't everything. Quite often they are more of a PITA than they are worth.
