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Wow I understand your point. I wouldn't want to deal with that either. But also the hassle of if you didn't put both your names on accounts,credit cards, etc proving that your spouse is decease over and over is depressing.
My eldest sister went through that. She lived with a man for many years. He died. The IRS kept sending bills to the house. She called. She wrote. Still, it was nothing but harrassment. They didn't believe he was dead. And she was not his spouse.
Finally, she went to the nearest IRS center to meet with a representative, whereupon she plunked the box containing his ashes down on the desk and said, "You were looking for him? Here he is."
I wouldn't get romantically involved with someone who lived a long-distance away in the first place. I just wouldn't be happy in a relationship like that.
Perhaps you are friends with someone who lives far away and they are hoping that you'll change your mind. All you can do is just remind them constantly that you won't change your mind unless you live in the same place but you are open to being friends.
You need to be honest and have good communication, respect for each other and make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
Quote:
Originally Posted by supernaut112
Something another poster wrote in the "Multiple Engagements" topic got me thinking ...
Should you engage in a long-term relationship when you know that marriage (or living together or another LT/life commitment) isn't your long-term goal?
If so, how do you reinforce this decision with the person you're dating? Is this even possible when the other party might secretly hope that you'll change your mind one day?
Something another poster wrote in the "Multiple Engagements" topic got me thinking ...
Should you engage in a long-term relationship when you know that marriage (or living together or another LT/life commitment) isn't your long-term goal?
If so, how do you reinforce this decision with the person you're dating? Is this even possible when the other party might secretly hope that you'll change your mind one day?
Thoughts?
There really is no way to reinforce this decision, other than letting them know what your intentions for the future are, or if there are no plans as of yet. Honesty might be hard for some, but it will weed out the problems when they think that the relationship is heading in one direction, and you already know it's never going to get there. If you love someone enough, hurting them shouldn't be something you should want to do, so honesty is best from the moment feelings start to come up. If your plans are to be with someone for say, only 4 years, and then move away, this should be something the other should know about.
There is no law or decree that says a relationship has to be a LTR or last X amount of time and also, you and the other person will know if the relationship has run its course, if it comes before either of your deaths and very importantly, you should honestly recognize if that happens and make plans to split up.
Sooooooooooo many relationships end in terrible situations or go on for years and years in total misery and despair & the people end up with all kinds of mental or emotional problems, just because the people involved couldn't be honest with themselves that something has ended.
There is only small number of people who have one partner for life, happily - for the rest of us, it lasts for as long as it does.
And we should not have any expectations that any relationship will last for all our lives. Even love ends.
There is no law or decree that says a relationship has to be a LTR or last X amount of time and also, you and the other person will know if the relationship has run its course, if it comes before either of your deaths and very importantly, you should honestly recognize if that happens and make plans to split up.
Sooooooooooo many relationships end in terrible situations or go on for years and years in total misery and despair & the people end up with all kinds of mental or emotional problems, just because the people involved couldn't be honest with themselves that something has ended.
There is only small number of people who have one partner for life, happily - for the rest of us, it lasts for as long as it does.
And we should not have any expectations that any relationship will last for all our lives. Even love ends.
I think the OP is asking about what if you already know it's not going to end in marriage, instead of the usual "we'll see what happens".
I think the OP is asking about what if you already know it's not going to end in marriage, instead of the usual "we'll see what happens".
The OPs question is a non question.
There is no such thing as "engaging in a LTR", because a relationship doesn't become a LTR until a long period of time has elapsed.
Which goes to my point, that people "set off" with a preconceived idea of what something will be before it is.
Between 1 day and, say 6 months, there is nothing to distinguish (relationship wise) between a couple who plan to get married and have children, with a couple who are just having a good time and fooling around. I know in their minds there will be different thoughts, but what they do and how they are with each other, is essentially the same.
I think the OP is asking about what if you already know it's not going to end in marriage, instead of the usual "we'll see what happens".
Essentially, yes. So if someone knows, in advance, that they're going to eventually dump whoever they're dating after X-amount of time — could be months or years — is it really wise to date?
I mean ... how many people would get into a relationship with another person knowing that it had an expiration date attached?
My own thoughts on this is that if you already know that you're going to bail, don't get emotionally involved with anyone. Just have casual f*ck buddies or date around.
Essentially, yes. So if someone knows, in advance, that they're going to eventually dump whoever they're dating after X-amount of time — could be months or years — is it really wise to date?
What does this mean?
A person cannot know, in advance, how they are going to feel in x months/years time about someone who they've just met or don't know at all.
Maybe they know how they feel for a few days or a couple of weeks, but that's all really.
All such a person knows is how they feel now about someone and what the argument is, is that this feeling will stay the same for X period of time and that a person who holds these feelings about someone will also string the other person along until they are "done with them".
What this chain of thought forgets and assumes is that the other person is ignorant to and unable to detect what's going on and cannot but be a victim to someone's scurrilous and surreptitious plans.
Essentially, yes. So if someone knows, in advance, that they're going to eventually dump whoever they're dating after X-amount of time — could be months or years — is it really wise to date?
I mean ... how many people would get into a relationship with another person knowing that it had an expiration date attached?
My own thoughts on this is that if you already know that you're going to bail, don't get emotionally involved with anyone. Just have casual f*ck buddies or date around.
The only situations where I could see that arising are when people go to college out of town or where people are assigned somewhere for a finite period for the military or for job training or some such, like maybe travel nurses.
In college, you're there for four years, maybe minus the summers. I don't think it realistic to expect people not to form relationships during that time. As for the rest, again, it comes down to being up front with people. "Hey, I'm only going to be here for a few months, so let's keep it casual."
Quote:
Originally Posted by pims26
What does this mean?
A person cannot know, in advance, how they are going to feel in x months/years time about someone who they've just met or don't know at all.
Maybe they know how they feel for a few days or a couple of weeks, but that's all really.
All such a person knows is how they feel now about someone and what the argument is, is that this feeling will stay the same for X period of time and that a person who holds these feelings about someone will also string the other person along until they are "done with them".
What this chain of thought forgets and assumes is that the other person is ignorant to and unable to detect what's going on and cannot but be a victim to someone's scurrilous and surreptitious plans.
Regular gut checks go a long way toward avoiding that. It's easy to get complacent and just kind of go along with it. But even the healthiest of relationships benefit from "state of the union" talks.
It seems weird to ask yourself, "Am I getting what I want out of this relationship?" if the day-to-day interactions are going smoothly--no fights, nothing really bad happening. But life isn't static. Things like jobs, finances, family situations, health, etc. form an ever-changing environment in which the relationship takes place. We can control some of these things, but not others.
For instance, say a couple has been together a while, with no intent to marry or live together. Then one of them loses a job or faces an illness or injury requiring intensive treatment or recovery. These are things that might make one or both re-evaluate what their needs are and how far they're willing to go for the other person. What if one would offer to let the other come and stay until he or she is back on his or her feet/healthy again, but the other wouldn't?
Those are tough questions, but ones that must be addressed in such a relationship.
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