Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
\
I try not to fovor my children but, in truth, one is nice and one is not. Neither of them look like me. Dd#1 looks like her dad. Dd#2 looks like my mom's family and dh's mom's family combined. And before you jump on me, dd#1 does have her issues. That's why she's in counseling. She needs to learn to get along with people. Dh favors dd#1 who looks like him to the point of wanting to have full custody of her in a divorce while giving me full custody of the child who doesn't look a thing like him. I see what looking like your father does for you every day. I lived it as a child. You can't tell me that parents don't, unconsiously, favor the children who look like them. Especially dads.
With all due respect, that's what you perceive as YOUR experience, but is not some universal truth. Well, then again, it may be, if you believe the "scientists".
Your daughter who looks like her dad "has issues"? Seriously, who in this world doesn't? Good for her that she's seeing it and getting help. WAY too many people don't.
I CAN tell you that you're wrong in what you perceive as a universal truth about parents. Though, it may seem to help you to think that way, it's not an ingrained "truth". It's what you and others have experienced, and what you need to get through, but to pin the blame on this is errant, IMO and in my experience.
It is what it is. It's long been known that fathers favor children who look like them. It's also in the mothers best interest that she be able to convince the father the child is his, whether it is or not. Men who doubt the paternity of their children do behave differently towards them. As a mom, there's no doubt my children are mine.
Oh, I know how the lesser one feels. I'm the kid who didn't look like my dad. He told me, when I was 9, that he wasn't sure I was his. When I look in the mirror these days, I see his mom's face looking back. Looking nothing like my mom didn't help me either. My step father would have been one of the first to tell you that my mom didn't treat me very nice. She adored my sisters. One who looked just like my step father and the other looks like her.
Cruel or not, it's evolution at work. Favoring the child who looks like you helps to get your genes into the next generation. I'm just glad I wasn't raised in a situation where there wasn't enough food for all of the children. I might not have survived over my favored siblings. The fact of the matter is, circumstance often required that parents make chioces that weren't fair in the past. When resources are limited, it makes more sense to invest in one child even if it means losing the others. To try and be fair might risk them all.
This is not something conscious. It's evolution. It's making sure that your genes survive. The only thing we have to go on is what our children look like. The one that looks like me proves he's carrying my genes. My family lives on in him.
I try not to fovor my children but, in truth, one is nice and one is not. Neither of them look like me. Dd#1 looks like her dad. Dd#2 looks like my mom's family and dh's mom's family combined. And before you jump on me, dd#1 does have her issues. That's why she's in counseling. She needs to learn to get along with people. Dh favors dd#1 who looks like him to the point of wanting to have full custody of her in a divorce while giving me full custody of the child who doesn't look a thing like him. I see what looking like your father does for you every day. I lived it as a child. You can't tell me that parents don't, unconsiously, favor the children who look like them. Especially dads.
I would not consider dating outside of my race for this reason. I wanted my kids to have the best shot of looking like their fathers. If you put all of my boyfriends side by side, all but one looked like they could have been my father's brothers. I look like my father's family. I picked men who looked like they fit into my father's family. The one boyfriend that didn't bear a resemblance to my father looked like my brother. Unconsiously, I was stacking the genetic deck.
Also, this works when women cheat. If I am attracted to men who look like they fit in my family and I cheat, the child still bears a resemblance to my husband even though it's not his so I have a shot of convincing him it's his child and getting him to stick around and help raise it.
My intent was not to attack you. I do apologize if you feel that way.
I was just giving my opinion on what seems like an unhealthy situation. This is an open forum and everyone has a right to type their opinions about whatever they read. What I typed was how I felt about people favoring kids who look like them and mistreating the others.
All children need and deserve love and affection. Children learn how to act by the way they are treated. They're sponges and they have nothing else to go on but the human interactions that they've experienced since birth.
I just feel sorry for "lesser" ones, that's all. And I don't think it's fair.
I disagree totally. I have three, one not mine biologically, and I treat them all equally. That's a cop out.
Most parents THINK they treat their kids equally...and I'm sure your children will tell you you do...to your face... Most parents favor one child. Most parents also think they don't.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-31-2012 at 05:50 PM..
My intent was not to attack you. I do apologize if you feel that way.
I was just giving my opinion on what seems like an unhealthy situation. This is an open forum and everyone has a right to type their opinions about whatever they read. What I typed was how I felt about people favoring kids who look like them and mistreating the others.
All children need and deserve love and affection. Children learn how to act by the way they are treated. They're sponges and they have nothing else to go on but the human interactions that they've experienced since birth.
I just feel sorry for "lesser" ones, that's all. And I don't think it's fair.
You can feel sorry for them all you want but there is an evolutionary basis for the bias. Back in the caveman days, it might only be possible for one or two children to survive. Attempting to feed them all might mean non survived. So we favor the child who looks like us (our genes) and the stronger and prettier ones (prettiness is associated with good genes and/or lack of environmental damage).
Who told you life was fair?
The first step to dealing with this kind of bias is to recognize its existence. Denying it's there just makes it impossible to see. Study after study has shown that parents do favor one child. If you deny that, you can't fix it. I have a tendency to favor dd#2 because she's the more pleasant child. I have to watch myself. I could do what most parents do and deny I have any bias at all but that wouldn't fix anything.
I can deny that I have a tendency to favor dd#2 or I can recognize that I do and try not to let that show. Like most parents, I favor one child. Dh happens to favor the one who looks like him. I favor the one with the more pleasant disposition.
It looks like racism but romantic preferences are just preferences.
Except some people do have "agendas" in who they chose as partners.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
