What would you advise me to do in the following situation ? (marry, girls)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What major changes in your life are willing to make for her? Can you face your own imperfections. Ask her what is it about you that she would like to change.
On one hand, she is a sensitive girl, on the other hand, she is understading...
I think that I can present my "problem" to her is a very delicate way, such as: "I feel that we have a very good connection, you are very special for me, you are very sexy and I'm attracted to you, but, I have a small problem. I was hestiant to mention this earlier because this is somewhat superficial and we have such a greast bond... but, I think it is important that we be totally honest with each other since this is the base for a healthy relationship. So, the problem that I have is that my natural preference for a woman is to be with a somewhat slimmer form, and don't take it the wrong way you look great, it's just my own preference and it's not something I can control. Do you think that there is something we can do together about this ?..."
If someone told me this after 10 dates - I would break down crying and probably never speak to that person again. Also - it would probably hurt me for a very long time and I would probably develop some major trust issues. Just being totally honest. And I know some of the men on here are going to start in with the double standard BS and saying, "Why is it okay to criticize a man's weight but not a woman's?" Well - I don't think it's right to criticize either - and actions have consequences whether or not you agree with them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
It's not shallow if he breaks it off with her.
We like what we like.
It is shallow if he sticks with her and tries to make her into something she's not, i.e his perfect woman.
Yup. And honestly - I find it really hard to understand how someone can claim that they are falling in love with someone and yet be less attracted to her because her body isn't perfect. In fact - most of my straight guy friends have always joked about how obsessed women are with their bodies when it really doesn't matter as much to them. They've never fallen for a girl and thought, "If only she would lose 5 pounds!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonesy123
You are right that if untreated, the resentment could deteriorate.
On the other hand, there is a delicate confidence between us now, one that allows her to act very comfortably around me. By telling her I think her body is flawed, how will I not smash this confidence into a million pieces ? how will she be able to feel comfortable around me ?
The best thing would have been if she would came to me and tell me that she wants to drop weight, then I could simply help. This has to come from her, not me.
Why would she do that? Maybe she likes herself the way she is. And even if she lost a few pounds - we all have different body types and shapes. Not everyone is going to look like Scarlet Johansson or Megan Fox after they drop a few pounds. If bodily perfection is that important to you - you should probably ask to see your dates naked on the first date and go from there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thriftylefty
What major changes in your life are willing to make for her? Can you face your own imperfections. Ask her what is it about you that she would like to change.
Yup. Would you start pumping iron for a few extra hours everyday because she prefers someone who is more built than you? Would you start talking in a deeper voice because she thinks your voice is too high for her taste?
If she is too heavy for you today, it probably won't get much better because people tend to gain weight as they age. And having a couple babies will not help her look like the woman of your dreams either. Right now she is at fighting weight(dating). And she is getting older too.
You need to decide how important looks are to you. You are thin and you work at it. What happens when the babies arrive and you no longer have time to work out? What's important?
You are right that if untreated, the resentment could deteriorate.
On the other hand, there is a delicate confidence between us now, one that allows her to act very comfortably around me. By telling her I think her body is flawed, how will I not smash this confidence into a million pieces ? how will she be able to feel comfortable around me ?
The best thing would have been if she would came to me and tell me that she wants to drop weight, then I could simply help. This has to come from her, not me.
That would be the optimal situation but how long would it take for her to decide to make that change? How long would you be willing to wait for her to make that change? What if she never decides to make the change? Given what you said about her in the OP, that she has no problem attracting good looking men she may have the mentality that if you're not going to accept her size then she'll just look for a man who will.
I guess you've just got to decide how important her weight is to you and rather or not it's something you absolutely can't compromise.
Suggest you ask her about her activities and interest over the years. Over time, none of my friends ever got fat... They were/are my friends because we shared common interest and activities.
Things like did she play any sports, or enjoy walking, running, hiking, etc. What kinds of food choices does she make while you're eating out. Does she have a soda, or water, tea, coffee...with or without sugar. Does she choose fries or salad more often. Heavy or light dairy, etc.
Doesn't matter if your own activities differ in preference; just so long as they're physically active.
If the food choice observation raises a flag, in conjunction with not being able to identify...a periodic change of interest and pursuit of other healthful choices.
I met a girl three weeks ago (26 y/o). We had about 10 dates thus far. We connected really really well on all levels (mentaly, sexually, future plans etc.) I never bonded better with a girl in my life, I feel that this is really something special. I'm pretty sure that she thinks the same about me.
I have one problem and I don't know what to do about it: she is a little bit overweight for my liking (not fat), I didn't really see this until the last date when we got naked. I am a thin guy myself (and work very hard to maintain this form), and so this issue troubles me. I really wish that I didn't have this preference for thin form, but I have and I can't help it...
She is an attractive girl neverthelss, and can easily find good looking lovers. I saw that she is aware about healthy eating, and tries to eat well.
I know that weight is a very very very sensitive matter for most girls, and I'm afraid that if I'll mention this issue she will be deeply offended.
What do you think I should do ? not mention it and try to live with it ? mention it in some way ?
Dump her and readjust your standards. I don't get where men get this idea that women have to be stick thin to date them. The media perhaps? Are you not aware that they airbrush those images? Given that you didn't even notice the extra pounds until she was naked, I'm betting she's holding onto 5-10 extra pounds, probably on her middle.
It is one thing to not want your wife or long term girlfriend to balloon from 120 to 300+ pounds and another to be so superficial that 5 pounds is a deal breaker. Do you expect your future wife to have babies? Even Olympic athletes go through periods of time with a spare tire after having a baby - and they do nothing but work at being Olympians!
It is just plain unrealistic to expect a woman to have the body of a 15 year old girl forever. When will men (and women obsessing over it) realize this?
That said, for the record, a man is not going to get a woman to work out or change her lifestyle habits. I know this from personal experience, having once been a totally sedentary (175 pounds, 44" waist) woman. Not even my grandfather calling me fat on his deathbed or my mother panicking could get me to work out and change my habits - the only thing that did was being 25 years old and huffing and puffing hauling the laundry upstairs and downstairs, and then, after I got my CNA certification, being so out of shape that I could not perform my duties. The real kicker was the 89 year old Iranian patient calling her daughter after we'd walked a few laps around her house (with me huffing and puffing the whole way) and her daughter stating that my patient was worried for me, it was obvious that I was not healthy. She didn't tire out after those laps around the house - and she had arthritis and osteoporosis and a cane - but I did. It was after that that I changed.
You claim you spend time on your appearance - what happens when you no longer have time for that? My parents went though that when my brother developed Chrons disease. Will you love whoever you marry/get into an LTR with enough to deal with the weight gain and the meals coming from Wendy's or the mystery casseroles from the neighbors?
I roll with an athletic, fairly fit and active crowd. Yet even amongst my group of friends and acquaintances, the men have receding hairlines, are fighting off spare tires, and going through periods of starving themselves to keep the weight off. Thank goodness I don't expect men to look like 18 year old guys who lift weights forever!
The other possibility, jonesy, is that you may have body dysmorphia, meaning you're wrapped up in body image, fixate on having the perfect body yourself, and so forth, so that this is affecting how you view your SO. Most 26-year-olds don't have to put much effort, if any, into staying trim. Their young, healthy hormonal system pretty much takes care of it, unless they have bad eating habits or are too sedentary. I can't help get the impression that this is your problem, not hers. She's happy with the way she looks.
I agree, Bob. The worst thing he could do would be to stay with her and make condescending comments like, "Wanna exercise with me? Want some of this fruit?"
It depends how he says it. He can make her a fruit salad and she'll take it as a compliment he made her something and want to eat it. I guess overall these little things probably wouldn't have a big impact on her weight. Hard to trick someone into losing weight.
I just want to make something clear, most of you got the impression I'm looking for a Megan Fox type body, and won't compromise for anything less. This is not the case here. In order to be Megan Fox slim, she will have to drop 20-30 pounds, while I'll be satisfied with a 10 pounds reduction. I just want her to look a little bit more fit, that's all. I'm spending so much time and energy to look fit myself, isn't it natural that I'll want my woman to be somewhat fit ?
There was a good question raised here: what large changes am I willing to do for her. Will I be willing to bust my ass to add another 10 pounds of muscle ? I don't think that this is the correct analogy though, since adding more pounds of muscle won't make me healthier (might even compromise my health from over training).
In any case, I can't bring myself to break the relationship for this reason at this point. There are simply too many good things between us. I will not address the problem directly with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I will simply try to live with my thoughts and see where it takes me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
