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Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl
Mainstreet - That is lovely.
Thanks....but I can't take all the credit......we each wrote a sentence and then forwarded it on to the next person who added a line and sent it on....there were six of us, the other five read the ramblings but don't participate in the forum. Passes the time here at work; very slow day....only one call all day.
BD has been sleeping this afternoon. He was completely worn out when he finished at church today. He didn't eat much, and was very distant when he got here. He must sleeping a troubled sleep - he is restless.
I'm going to try and paint a picture of the church and what happened this morning.
BD spoke for 1hr 31min at church this morning. His daughter had some large pics of his past made and put them up on easels. One was in his youth, (about 10 or so) one was in Vietnam, and the last was a pic of Jill sleeping in his lap with the caption of "safest, warmest, most loved, loving the most, and happiest."
The church seating was filled with the back area full of people standing. Our church has a capacity of about 990 seated. This morning there were probably
1100 people there, the most I have ever seen. Ray put a remote mic (wireless) on him, introduced him and gave over the program to him. When BD first started speaking he didn't see the pic of Jill.
He started telling of his childhood and what is was like to have no home at 15 was like. He went into great detail about the cruelty people can deliver. His voice became noticably hard and cold, and his eyes became cold and penetrating as he described his youth. He told of the time on a cold March night that he was sleeping next to a bridge when a group of our classmates discovered his camp, returned, and drenched him and his camp with a water cannon of some kind. He told of sleeping in a supply room at the high school in the coldest part of winter and how wonderful it was to shower in hot water over sponge bathing in cold creek water. He walked to where Ray's mother was sitting and told in a soft, quiet voice of her and his dad's help in his darkest hours up to then. He stood her up and they hugged. He spoke of all his friends of "then and now". He had tears in his eyes when he told of them.
As he spoke about being in Vietnam, once again his personality and demeaner became harder. Only now it was much harder. His eyes became stone cold and staring. His voice not soft spoken. He was like when he first came home from that place. In some graffic detail he told of things he did. He said he regretted nothing he had done or the lives he had so willingly snuffed out. He admitted that he began to enjoy killing. He told little of his being wounded or escaping and hiding in the jungle for almost 2 weeks. There were a number of gasps as he spoke of his time in Nam. There are just some things I now wish to not know of BD and what he might be capable of. I watched his daughter as he spoke about his time in Vietnam and saw her face sadden. I don't know what she was thinking.
He began talking about the time of getting home and recovering from his injuries. There had been a couple of stories written about him in the local paper that gave, according to BD, fictional accounts of his bravery. Like he told Ray "how would anyone know what I did. The only ones there were me and the NVA. I'm not telling and they aren't either". He hated the notoriety brought his way. He couldn't find a job working with the public (his facial scars) and he was again the target of some people ridiculing him. He was jumped one evening and beaten by a couple of local toughs. He left here the next day with a harvest crew. When he began talking about first seeing Jill, his voice and demeaner changed to the soft spoken guy I have always known. Her picture was brought out for all the congregation to be able to see. When BD turned and saw it he stopped mid-word and just looked at it as his tears welled up. He looked over to Ray and I and began to openly cry. Ray and I got to and held on to him. Ray told him he could stop if he wanted. BD pulled it together and told of the happiest years of his life- and his saddest day. The stories he told on himself and Jill were hilarious. He mentioned her "goofy giggle" a number of times and that she lived to laugh. There was not a dry eye in the church and some were sobbing. When he finished, he took off the mic and handed it to a lady and just walked out the door and left.
When Ray and I got outside a few minutes later, we could look down the street and see his truck but didn't see him anywhere. I finally walked down to his truck and he was sitting there with tears streaming down his face. As I've said before, He just misses Jill.
The phone has rang all afternoon and we have finally quit answering it and turned off the ringer. I'm getting ready to cook a big supper. BD ate a lttle breakfest with that coffee he makes and for lunch, a slice of ham with a spoon full of mashed potatoes and white gravey, and a couple of bites of green peas I put on his plate. I'm frying pork chops tonight with fried squash, hominey, and sliced tomatoes. I just woke BD a few minutes ago so I can start supper. I hope we all
LOVE AND LIVE WELL
I slept well for about 4 1/2 hours this afternoon. Patti woke me to eat some supper. I got around and went to kitchen and she had cooked a nice spread. Yes, I ate everything she put on my plate. I'm stuffed. I admit, I ate a whole squash as she fried it up. There were some really good tomatoes that went down the hatch also.
This morning was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Yes, I was tired beyond what I would have thought. I guess you call that therapy. I was unprepared for what I felt when I was talking about the times in my life before Jill stepped into it. I am still unforgiving of those that caused me grief and unrepentant for my deeds and feelings while in Vietnam.
The sorryful anger I hold at myself and sadness I feel for the loss of Jill may never dissipate, therefore I must come to terms with those feelings. As I reminisced about Jill's and my life together I realized how unlucky all those people were to have not known her. I also became even more aware how lucky and blessed I was to have had her in my life for almost 30 years.
My daughter and Patti thought it would be good to put up a few pictures of how I feel my life is divided up. I was distracted by 2 of those pics. The first, was of me in Vietnam standing there with a Model 70 Winchester in 300 mag. I know what was in the original pic at my feet. That part was cut off. I was proud of my accomplishment at the time. The second was of Jill asleep in my lap that my daughter took in about 1999. I didn't know that pic was there until I turned around and saw in right in front of me. It took my breath away and brought tears. Ray and Patti came to my side and helped me gather my wits. I was unable to look at that pic again until I finished. I was supposed to get done before I did. I ran my mouth about 15 minutes too long. OH WELL. When I got finished, I just took the mic off and walked out. I didn't want to talk to anybody.
I feel better tonight than I have in a very long time. I am in safe harbour with my friends of "then and now". I can hardly contain myself to not leave tonight on the rest of my journey. Ray got everything packed and ready this afternoon along with hooking up the TT and truck.
I think I need to clear up something about my health. I am very easily tired by almost any activity. While some of my problems with stamina may be related to my heart valve not working right, the main problem is that when you have renal (kidney) failure it takes a while to recover from that. That's my biggest problem right now. Patti has been overly concerned (I hope) about my health. When I get bach home, I've promised her and Ray, my children, and Tom and Sara to get that taken care of. I really appreciate all the concern you, my C-D friends have shown. I intend to have a good journey revisting my past before I head home about Tuesday week.
I am a realist and don't give much credence to prediction without evidence. Although I truely admire the thought you conveyed here, it's just not for me.
I will continue to post as we mosey down the road this next week. ILove you all. I hope you -
LOVE and LIVE WELL
Glad to hear you have taken another move forward on your journey BD! Patti's cookin sounds mighty tasty so let her fatten ya up a bit brother! I do hope that she has gotten that armadillo smell out of the house by now. But don't forget when you mess with the cook you are taking risky chances, I am sure she will be able to scrape up some fresh road kill on your travels to keep ya in line.
BD- With your renal failure and heart-related issues, did they give you a special diet? While it sounds as though there are wonderful meals being prepared, the salt and fat content seems quite high. Maybe work in some steamed veggies and broiled chicken? Baked acorn squash is great, too.
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Rambling, Not a single dry eye
Rambling - Patti talks too much
I do hope that she has gotten that armadillo smell out of the house by now. 
But don't forget when you mess with the cook you are taking risky chances, I am sure she will be able to scrape up some fresh road kill on your travels to keep ya in line. 
