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I'm in my early 20's. I've never had a true, serious relationship. I'm still a virgin and consider myself to be emotionally distant. One thing that I have always known about myself is that I am petrified of relationships, especially romantically connected relationships.
Well, I met a boy. He has a girlfriend who he says he loves VERY much, yet they've been dating for 1.5 years and at this point are constantly fighting. I met this guy at work and we have since known eachother for about three months. He constantly hugs me, picks me up and talks to me like he cares. He texts me and tells me that he is excited to work with me. I look in his eyes and feel my heart hurt.
Of course, me being a pessimist I found myself doubting his affection and figuring it out as a convenience for him. He has made advances towards me before, he's never inappropriately touched me but he has said that I am "gorgeous" or "hot". I ignored him because I don't like to be talked to like that.
He always talked about coming over to my place after work and finally I allowed him to and he stood me up. It hurt. Badly!
How do I not take his flirtatious actions as serious when he knows how to emotionally and mentally engage me. Why does it hurt so much and I am not even going out with him. What is wrong with me?
I'm in my early 20's. I've never had a true, serious relationship. I'm still a virgin and consider myself to be emotionally distant. One thing that I have always known about myself is that I am petrified of relationships, especially romantically connected relationships.
Well, I met a boy. He has a girlfriend who he says he loves VERY much, yet they've been dating for 1.5 years and at this point are constantly fighting. I met this guy at work and we have since known eachother for about three months. He constantly hugs me, picks me up and talks to me like he cares. He texts me and tells me that he is excited to work with me. I look in his eyes and feel my heart hurt.
Of course, me being a pessimist I found myself doubting his affection and figuring it out as a convenience for him. He has made advances towards me before, he's never inappropriately touched me but he has said that I am "gorgeous" or "hot". I ignored him because I don't like to be talked to like that.
He always talked about coming over to my place after work and finally I allowed him to and he stood me up. It hurt. Badly!
How do I not take his flirtatious actions as serious when he knows how to emotionally and mentally engage me. Why does it hurt so much and I am not even going out with him. What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. This man is not being fair to you. You have to look at him for what he is (showing you by his actions). He is a guy with a girlfriend. He is not being a caring boyfriend to her. You have to see he is manipulating you by the things he says and how he treats you. He acts like you are number one but you know his first number one is who he is with.
You are human, you react to this man because it feels good to be cared for. Please don't beat yourself up and ask what is wrong with you. It may have felt there was some hope of being with him, that he might like you so much, he'd finally realize his fighting with his girlfriend meant they shouldn't be together.
He stood you up, not the other way around. I know it hurt. I am in the same boat as you. It is hard to want love and not have it. But really, his is not the thing love is made of. If he cared, would would not start another flirtation without ending his relationship.
You don't take it serious by telling yourself each time he flirts- he is unfair to you and his girlfriend. Tell yourself you are worth more that the attention of someone unavailable. Because you are!
There is only one Beilua Rose. Only you can do the things you do, say the things you do. It takes time to develop ourselves. I know because this is my story too. I haven't believed in me. Thought love was NOT for me. I wonder, when, when??? Who??? I am finding that who is me and the when is now.
Do you know the song, "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield?
...no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Your book begins with you... find yourself lost in good things. Find what you like. Use this time for YOU. I am not as young as you, but it is NOT too late for me. I am learning about me, what I like, dislike. I'm going to make it yet!
And so will you!
p.s... don't invite him over again. He really isn't the kind of love you wish for- that is why your heart hurts? Maybe?
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,060,466 times
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I'm in the same boat. When you've never feasted on love even the crumbs taste delicious. I guess we're all bound to make mistakes. It's better to have loved...unless you just want sex. Maybe love is phony thought and not worth 'experiencing', and I'm better off learning to be content without it.
Don't waste your time with this guy from work. He is having a difficult time in his current relationship and is looking for an easy out so to speak. Perhaps not giving up the relationship but a break from it with someone new and exciting who does not want to constantly fight with him.
Move on and leave this guy to his own devices and quit allowing him to touch you and pick you up at work etc. NOTHING PHYSICAL, no lunches alone, no dinners alone, no him coming to your place alone, NOTHING. He will move on very soon trust me.
The next thing you need to do is be open to an honest relationship and quit having so much self doubt, you are young and not everyone blossoms at the same age, give it time. Grow up, mature, relax, it will happen effortlessly if you allow it.
I'm in my early 20's. I've never had a true, serious relationship. I'm still a virgin and consider myself to be emotionally distant. One thing that I have always known about myself is that I am petrified of relationships, especially romantically connected relationships.
Well, I met a boy. He has a girlfriend who he says he loves VERY much, yet they've been dating for 1.5 years and at this point are constantly fighting. I met this guy at work and we have since known eachother for about three months. He constantly hugs me, picks me up and talks to me like he cares. He texts me and tells me that he is excited to work with me. I look in his eyes and feel my heart hurt.
Of course, me being a pessimist I found myself doubting his affection and figuring it out as a convenience for him. He has made advances towards me before, he's never inappropriately touched me but he has said that I am "gorgeous" or "hot". I ignored him because I don't like to be talked to like that.
He always talked about coming over to my place after work and finally I allowed him to and he stood me up. It hurt. Badly!
How do I not take his flirtatious actions as serious when he knows how to emotionally and mentally engage me. Why does it hurt so much and I am not even going out with him. What is wrong with me?
What's wrong with you? You have a lot of anxiety about opening up and getting close enough to someone to have a relationship. Yet, your heart desires to love and be loved too. So you hurt because this guy is being a little flirtatious, tickling your desires to love and be loved... and since your anxiety has been holding you back romantically in general it hurts that much more.
For one, don't put too much thought into this guy. He is in a long term relationship. He is not open dating material. In fact, if he is trying to make moves on you while in a relationship, it speaks something about his character that is not too flattering.
Beyond that, you will want to work on your fears. What petrifies you about relationships? What are the anxieties? Are you afraid of opening up your heart? Showing someone your secrets? Of being judged?
I used to suffer from very bad social anxiety. I have been there, longing for love, and to be loved, but so scared to get out of my shell, and let someone in. Scared that I had been in that shell so long I would be judged and shunned because of it. It's not an easy thing to change, but it can be changed.
So, is being friends with this guy a HUGE "no-no"?
Well, that depends on what "friends" is.
For him, he could just like you as a platonic friend (no romantic/sexual interest), as an object of desire (sexual, no romanitc interest), or possibly as someone he would like to date (romantic interest). Seeing as he has a GF, only the first would be acceptable.
On your part, you may want to be sure which of these are his motivations. Only the first would be acceptable. If so, then you need to know yourself! Would you be happy being just a platonic friend (no sexual or romantic interest)? If not, and you would have lingering desires for more (which I suspect is the case) it is not a good friendship to get entangled in, since he is seeing someone.
You wuold only really want a friendship with desire for more, IMO, if he was single and desired more. If he saw you as just a friend, and you wanted more, you would be frustrated in that situation too.
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