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Love isn't enough for a marriage to be successful. You must also be on the same page regarding several key issues, at the least. Kids, and finances, as well as sexual satisfaction and compatibility, are huge issues. Just the difference you two have on the kid issue alone is a HUGE red flag. Dude you have stepped into quicksand, and are sinking. Once you marry, your issues will only get worse as you will be 'trapped.' Right now you can still grab a branch to keep from drowning in the quicksand. That 'branch' is breaking off the relationship. I know what I'd do if I were in your shoes.
... it SEEMS that she got what she wanted...... a proposal....
I would tread VERY carefully,
She was the one who proposed.
I wouldn't tread carefully - I'd run like the wind. This has nothing but "bad move" written all over it. Two kids in two years, financial distress, arguments, divorce, child support and probably alimony too. Get out while you can!
Yea, I am re-thinking everything. However, to be clear, I proposed, not her. If I gave the idea it was the other way around, that was my mistype.
Good. The thing is - the problems that you two seem to be having are major problems. They are not problems that will resolve themselves. And marriage will only make them worse. And having a baby with someone that you are having problems with will not bring you closer together. It will push you farther apart. If you are truly in love with someone and you make a decision to have a baby together out of love and a true desire to have a baby - it can bring you closer together. But babies are not all sugar and spice. They are sleepless nights, irritability, second guessing yourself, insecurity, etc. They test your relationship and they test your mettle. If you are in the right place - a baby will bring you closer together. If you are in the wrong place - it will drive you farther apart.
Yea, I am re-thinking everything. However, to be clear, I proposed, not her. If I gave the idea it was the other way around, that was my mistype.
Yes, you did say, "She, after proposing, said she would not bother me for the wedding, as I need to save up." But, no matter, it really doesn't make any difference and doesn't change anything. Don't be "engagedndazed" but "engagednsmart". Life is way too short. Good luck!
Yes, after I proposed, she wouldn't bother me for the wedding. However, I do want to be clear, I would like a child. If money wasn't an issue, I'd have more. However, I need to stress that I am concerned about the financial issues with more than one child. This was made clear to her, and at first, she understood. Then she threw out, well, what if she gets extra work (she's a teacher) such as tutoring after work and the weekends. So I said, so you will work during the day, as I (I work 5:00AM - 6:00PM), then work after work and on the weekends. Do you plan to see you child? She said we'll make it work? After work, she's already exhausted. I have no idea how she will adjust to a 30 - 40 minute commute (mine's about the same), work after work and the weekends... It doesn't make sense. I do not think she's thinking things through, or she is, and is frustrated as she has no idea how to accomplish this. This makes two of us. The child is off the table for a few months, at least, until I see a change and feel comfortable about us again. I will also say, this is the first time I feel a gut check in my stomach. So, I am treading carefully.
Some one asked, what do I love about her? Well, her personality, before this episode. Her heart and she does go out and beyond for family. However, we've been a bit strained as of late. Since we've not spoke in a few days, I do not think she knows how to handle this; and that is what concerns me. You can look at it from her perspective or mine, but on the issue at hand I am not wrong. It's now, what 9 weeks, and she was at my apt. once. The rest of the weeks, I was at her place. When she came over during the week, she was here for two hours for dinner and left. If someone can tell me what I did wrong here, then maybe I can see her point. All her point is, she does not want to deal with the morning traffic...
As for intimacy, I do not know what to do on that retrospect Yes, I was there with her at the OBGYN, as and saw the test results. While, it cannot medically effect me in any way, it does seriously hamper our sex life; which was great before this happened.
I am not yet going to throw a 2 year relationship out the door so quick. However, I am also not going to cow tail to anyone. Right now, everything is up in the air...
Aside from all the other issues, Dazed, I'm still concerned that even if you married her and you guys tried to have a child (of course you realize, we're all voting for no marriage), it would be a problematic pregnancy. There's a high chance there would be complications of some sort. I'm concerned that it wouldn't work out as you would hope. Just one more reason to reconsider the marriage. Plus, honestly, she just doesn't seem to be that into you. Sorry we're all so negative, but there are very serious issues here that don't seem like they can be overcome. There are too many of them, for one thing. You seem to still want to give it a go, though, so if you're really not ready to throw in the towel, you should get pre-marital counseling for both of you.
You seem to still want to give it a go, though, so if you're really not ready to throw in the towel, you should get pre-marital counseling for both of you.
You beat me to the punch with this suggestion which, after reading the last post from the OP, seems to be the most logical step to take. You can often find free or low cost couples counseling through your community and, even if you have to pay for it, it seems a no-brainer and can only be of benefit whatever you finally decide to do.
Yes, after I proposed, she wouldn't bother me for the wedding. However, I do want to be clear, I would like a child. If money wasn't an issue, I'd have more. However, I need to stress that I am concerned about the financial issues with more than one child. This was made clear to her, and at first, she understood. Then she threw out, well, what if she gets extra work (she's a teacher) such as tutoring after work and the weekends. So I said, so you will work during the day, as I (I work 5:00AM - 6:00PM), then work after work and on the weekends. Do you plan to see you child? She said we'll make it work? After work, she's already exhausted. I have no idea how she will adjust to a 30 - 40 minute commute (mine's about the same), work after work and the weekends... It doesn't make sense. I do not think she's thinking things through, or she is, and is frustrated as she has no idea how to accomplish this. This makes two of us. The child is off the table for a few months, at least, until I see a change and feel comfortable about us again. I will also say, this is the first time I feel a gut check in my stomach. So, I am treading carefully.
Some one asked, what do I love about her? Well, her personality, before this episode. Her heart and she does go out and beyond for family. However, we've been a bit strained as of late. Since we've not spoke in a few days, I do not think she knows how to handle this; and that is what concerns me. You can look at it from her perspective or mine, but on the issue at hand I am not wrong. It's now, what 9 weeks, and she was at my apt. once. The rest of the weeks, I was at her place. When she came over during the week, she was here for two hours for dinner and left. If someone can tell me what I did wrong here, then maybe I can see her point. All her point is, she does not want to deal with the morning traffic...
As for intimacy, I do not know what to do on that retrospect Yes, I was there with her at the OBGYN, as and saw the test results. While, it cannot medically effect me in any way, it does seriously hamper our sex life; which was great before this happened.
I am not yet going to throw a 2 year relationship out the door so quick. However, I am also not going to cow tail to anyone. Right now, everything is up in the air...
FWIW, if both of you are professionals, you can afford ONE kid, even in Jersey. You make sacrifices to make that happen - a lot of the little luxuries go by the wayside is all. But I'm watching a lot of friends make that choice, and they're doing fine - and they're not rich at all. Work out a compromise with her - tell her you can't budge on that. Or ask her to develop a plan as to how things will work - a budget if you will. It's not hard. I'd be more worried about the entire relationship collapsing through lack of communication right now - perhaps if you really are invested in things, you two should look into some premarital counseling?
I once overheard a conversation between two investment bankers about how one of them and his wife was refraining from having a third child because they didn't want to give up their ski trips to Vail. Everybody has their priorities - I get that. I don't blame people for wanting to maintain a certain lifestyle, but ... the fact that he and his wife wouldn't just settle for skiing locally or something was just depressing. I mean "I don't want to have another kid because I'd have to settle for less satisfactory ski trips." just makes me feel bad for the two kids they already had.
And FYI, it's "kowtow" not "cow tail" LOL
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