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When I got married we did not have the money to do much, but it was still nice. We got married at a friends house by a minister. I had my wedding dress made very cheaply by a lady in town and my husband at that time wore a suit that had belonged to his father. We bought flowers at Safeway (yes they have a flower area and they do weddings) and put them in vases all around the house. They also made a bouquet for me and the roses for the guys. We also ordered our wedding cake from their bakery. We did not have food or a band or anything like that. We had the cake, an adult punch, and champagne. Our invitations were made at a printing shop for way cheaper than you usually pay and I was the one to address and stamp them all and mail them off. At that time they did not have digital cameras, they had 35mm. We bought a bunch of film and had like 4 friends taking pictures. That way you have more that turn out good. We had a very inexpensive wedding, but it was nice.
Why, the arguments, worries, downers. This darn wedding is starting to sound like a funeral. :|
Seriously, though, I feel for you - valuing the marriage in itself - while others are worried about the accessories. It sounds to me like you really want to marry her, but are also more responsible than lavish. To me, that is an asset to your character. How much of a heart to heart and head to head have you two had to try to negotiate the issues - the wedding, the kids, the finances? Could you two make a list of your core priorities and values and compare them to see what areas of contention there are? If she envisions huge house, 2 kids, 2 new cars and a tibetan mastiff, and has no regard for how much debt is amassed in the process, I suspect you might not be willing to go through with the wedding anyway.
As far as not staying over is concerned: I wonder if sleepovers are being used as an incentive to push the wedding or to make the marriage more special? As someone who has cohabitated, I feel much less reason to actually marry because we spend all of our time together anyway. I could see it going two ways there - she wants living together to be more special when you get married, or she wants living together to be a reward for getting married. That last suggestion is a bit sinister of me, though, and I'm basing it on a very limited amount of information. My point here, though, is that I don't think that her sleeping over less indicates less interest in you unless it coincides with her doubting the engagement.
We spoke this morning for a few hours. She agreed that she's been unfair on the staying over, and we will start going back to the 50/50 staying over each others place again this week. I explained why I was upset and rightfully so, she understood clearer now. I explained more about my upcoming medical surgery, and told me not to worry, we will find the money to pay for it. Apparently, while she does need to start trying soon, her reproductive organs are fine. Her OBGYN has said she will have a normal pregnancy with no issues. Her bacterial vaginosis is now under control and we should start resuming intimacy (her words, not mine). She said she will cut back on the wedding costs and we will also look for more affordable places. She said, it's more important for you to get the medical surgery and therapy than to spend so much on a wedding. We both agreed to work on the kid issue, as I have no problem for one, and if I can have a recovery and work again fast, I will deal with two. Again, it is not that I do not want them, I am an accountant, so I go by a budget. I budget for weekend dates and a nice restaurant once a month. I can forecast my earning drop while I am in surgery, and the therapy.
Her issues were that she thought I didn't want to really marry her and she's been going through a lot of stress at work (huge cut backs and she does not have tenure.). This is true, as I hear about it all the time. While she was upset that I did not call her for a few days, she knew I was going through medical treatments, just I did not tell her how evasive they were (I do not like to worry people). I also said, you could had called too. Granted, we need to work on our communication skills, however, I am sure this comes up within every relationship. There are ups and downs, but overall, it's just been a tough year. Again, if I did not have these surgeries coming up I would probably be a lot easier to deal with. Also, if her job was less stressful, that could cut down on her stress as well. She is looking for other work (not cause of me, she decided it's not worth the stress placed on her). I guess, I am also concerned about bringing in a child so soon, but, as I am told, every couple goes through this.
She also doesn't believe in moving in until closer to the wedding. She didn't move in with her ex-husband until married as well. I then said, how did that work out for you? Not good.. No? (she divorced him). She is also concerned, that if we move in before a set wedding date, that I could possibly throw her out. This is in her head. As I "own" my apt, and she would just be living with me. In reality, that could happen at any time. I would never throw her out, I would just tell her to leave. However, we've stay days and weeks together not too long ago, never had an issue. The reason why I like my apt better than hers, is that it is larger and her's is a box. In her apt, we're on top of each other (700 sq feet). Mine, 1800 sq feet, much easier to not bump heads.
Then, her OBGYN said we need to start trying for a baby soon (I.E. couple months) or she might not get pregnant. Know she knew I was not keen on kids..
Oh yeah....that oughta work.
Maybe you two can compromise, and just "kinda" have a kid.
Keep working on communication, but proceed with caution, and don't rush into anything. A long engagement would be best, since you two still have a lot to work out, and it just seems like there's a trust issue, since she still has some big agendas. You'll have to wait and see how things play out after your big talk. And the kid issue still isn't resolved.
But clearly you still need couples counseling to deal with your communication issues. You have BIG problems with communicating to each other.
What a coincidence that as soon as you openly confronted her on this stuff, she suddenly changes back? Suddenly the bacterial infection clears up? Suddenly she'll stay over? I think she was testing your boundaries.
The "weak destructive links" in this relationship have been exposed, to go further is to experience them 10 fold IMHO.
Good luck.
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