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FWIW, if both of you are professionals, you can afford ONE kid, even in Jersey. You make sacrifices to make that happen - a lot of the little luxuries go by the wayside is all. But I'm watching a lot of friends make that choice, and they're doing fine - and they're not rich at all. Work out a compromise with her - tell her you can't budge on that. Or ask her to develop a plan as to how things will work - a budget if you will. It's not hard. I'd be more worried about the entire relationship collapsing through lack of communication right now - perhaps if you really are invested in things, you two should look into some premarital counseling?
I once overheard a conversation between two investment bankers about how one of them and his wife was refraining from having a third child because they didn't want to give up their ski trips to Vail. Everybody has their priorities - I get that. I don't blame people for wanting to maintain a certain lifestyle, but ... the fact that he and his wife wouldn't just settle for skiing locally or something was just depressing. I mean "I don't want to have another kid because I'd have to settle for less satisfactory ski trips." just makes me feel bad for the two kids they already had.
And FYI, it's "kowtow" not "cow tail" LOL
Never had an issue with one. However, we nor me do not have a lavish lifestyle. There isn't anything to cut. However, after the knee and foot operation, I will be out of commission and at physical therapy for several months. Then, there may be additional surgeries on my knee and foot after; depending on how it heals and functions. As you can see, I will not have money coming in on my end; aside from disability. Cannot do much with a foot and knee in traction then, there will be issues on what I can do and afford. That's my reasoning on the money issue..
Never had an issue with one. However, we nor me do not have a lavish lifestyle. There isn't anything to cut. However, after the knee and foot operation, I will be out of commission and at physical therapy for several months. Then, there may be additional surgeries on my knee and foot after; depending on how it heals and functions. As you can see, I will not have money coming in on my end; aside from disability. Cannot do much with a foot and knee in traction then, there will be issues on what I can do and afford. That's my reasoning on the money issue..
It sounds like a few bumps have arisen. It shouldn't cause pause in what you guys are doing, tho. I learned that from my husband. Just because things get uncomfortable for a spell and it's not all rosey, doesn't mean we have to dive into the negativity. We all don't know how to deal with everything that comes up. And life can throw fast balls. Tell her you don't like how she's dealing. You don't like that she's not staying the night. You need her to get it together. Regarding children- She's getting older. She wants a family. There's nothing more important than that to people who want it. She could be at risk for that never happening. If you want even one child, you guys should start planning now because it could take you years. If money is a concern I don't see why wedding expenses are even a consideration.
Thanks, but I am not a sucker. Her OBGYN said as she approaches 37 and older, it becomes harder to become pregnant and the child can have medical issues. I am concerned about money, as I have medical issues from a serious accident. I can only bring in so much money. Money does not go as far in NJ as it does in most of the other states. I do not think she's trying to trick me into impregnating her, as we do not have/had sex w/o a condom. Kinda hard to have a child with a condom on. I also, due to the expense of the wedding and my medical bills, had to push the wedding off until mid-2013, which she was not happy about. I can do what I can do. As for her medical issues, none except bacterial vaginosis. Hence the reason we've been abstaining from sex.
Bacterial vaginosis should be able to be cleared up quickly with a dose of antibiotics. I don't understand how this could affect sex since December 2011.
If she wants a wedding sooner I don't understand why you each should have to pay half. You contribute what you can, and she contributes what she can. Once you pool your money together and know how much you are working with, make sure you don't spend more than that. The concept of each person contributing exactly half the money seems a little unfair if you have some medical issues going on and cannot contribute a lot. If you have those money concerns consider eloping or having a much smaller wedding. Marriage requires a lot of compromise and it sounds like you two need some compromises in the financial area.
I think what may have initiated the "changes" in her attitude was the visit to the OBGYN. It is more difficult to get pregnant after 35, so she has valid concerns. However if you aren't ready to have kids maybe you should consider letting her go while she still has time to find someone who is ready. Having kids now with her now would probably not be a good idea if you have all of these issues.
Seems she's more optimistic on the surgery and financial issues than me. This is why I pushed the wedding back til 2013 (1.5 years after engagement). I offered to get the certificate now and when affordable, throw a party then. She wasn't too keen on it. Yet, her first wedding, her parents helped with the wedding. Nothing this time around. And I understand, it is different, as this is the second go around, but these things are expensive and, in my opinion, a waste of money for a few hours. That money could be used for more important things. Yet, I seem to be the only one who things this.
Unfortunately, even just family, her's is bigger than mine (25 for her / 15 for me), it is still going to be expensive; even cutting it down the middle. Never asked for any help with my medical expenses, apt homeowner fees, prop. taxes, etc. She did offer to help once, however, I declined. This is why I am spacing everything out. After recouping from one event, trying to tackle the next one. She says, my medical issues will always be here, so there is nothing to do but to get through it, and there is no need to stop our lives for it. We must handle everything together. Easy to say, when you do not have medical and apt. fees every month. Trying to juggle a relationship, work and the medical is a trying task. I believe, things would be much easier if I did not have this medical problem.. She knew about it going in, so there were no surprises.
Seems she's more optimistic on the surgery and financial issues than me. This is why I pushed the wedding back til 2013 (1.5 years after engagement). I offered to get the certificate now and when affordable, throw a party then. She wasn't too keen on it. Yet, her first wedding, her parents helped with the wedding. Nothing this time around. And I understand, it is different, as this is the second go around, but these things are expensive and, in my opinion, a waste of money for a few hours. That money could be used for more important things. Yet, I seem to be the only one who things this.
Unfortunately, even just family, her's is bigger than mine (25 for her / 15 for me), it is still going to be expensive; even cutting it down the middle. Never asked for any help with my medical expenses, apt homeowner fees, prop. taxes, etc. She did offer to help once, however, I declined. This is why I am spacing everything out. After recouping from one event, trying to tackle the next one. She says, my medical issues will always be here, so there is nothing to do but to get through it, and there is no need to stop our lives for it. We must handle everything together. Easy to say, when you do not have medical and apt. fees every month. Trying to juggle a relationship, work and the medical is a trying task. I believe, things would be much easier if I did not have this medical problem.. She knew about it going in, so there were no surprises.
She kinda wants her cake and to eat it, too it sounds like. Screw the wedding. Get married at city hall and have a barbecue or a dinner at a nice restaurant. If that ruffles family feathers, well, then they can pay for the wedding they want you to have. But if you're worried about money and she wants a kid pronto, then you should be willing to have a cheap wedding. Sorry - that's just common sense. I know all about big Jersey-style weddings, but why follow a stupid trend?
Bacterial vaginosis should be able to be cleared up quickly with a dose of antibiotics. I don't understand how this could affect sex since December 2011.
If she wants a wedding sooner I don't understand why you each should have to pay half. You contribute what you can, and she contributes what she can. Once you pool your money together and know how much you are working with, make sure you don't spend more than that. The concept of each person contributing exactly half the money seems a little unfair if you have some medical issues going on and cannot contribute a lot. If you have those money concerns consider eloping or having a much smaller wedding. Marriage requires a lot of compromise and it sounds like you two need some compromises in the financial area.
I think what may have initiated the "changes" in her attitude was the visit to the OBGYN. It is more difficult to get pregnant after 35, so she has valid concerns. However if you aren't ready to have kids maybe you should consider letting her go while she still has time to find someone who is ready. Having kids now with her now would probably not be a good idea if you have all of these issues.
She's been on 3 courses of Metrogel and 3 courses of Flagyl since Dec. 2011. It goes away, then comes back. So, it's very frustrating for both of us. She offers oral all the time, I say no, rather wait. So, it is not like she doesn't offer something. However, I never ask, and when she offers, I decline. Makes no sense for just one person to climax, when she cannot. Which I feel for her on this.
We've went to a lot of places, and with photographer, in NJ, we're looking at 12k - 15k, which, right now, I just do not have. Driving to New York City is even worse. I just do not know how people afford these things. Offered a chapel or just a certificate, she declined. She doesn't want to get married that way. I understand her concerns, but these came out of no where. I mean, like a bat out of hell, all of a sudden, we must do this, and we must do that, and we must start trying soon. And yes, I realize, if in a few months, my mind has not changed, I will have no choice but to let her go. As I will not be forced into a child unless I am ready. Again, we briefly talked about this when we were dating, and I said I can handle one, but the financial strain of two or more would be too much and I would not do it. She never said anything until her OBGYN said we need to start trying soon. If her OBGYN didn't say anything, and things were to progress naturally without the stress of a timeline, everything would be a lot easier...
Then again, if she never calls again, then I accept that it's just not going to work and I will just live and deal with my medical issues alone, as it has always been an issue with women I've dated in the past. Nothing I can do about it. I did not tell the bus I was on to flip over and crush my leg and part of my lower spine. I am doing the best I can, and sorry if I am pessimistic at times about life, but as soon as things go well for me, something changes and it goes downhill. I know it is not how many times you get knocked down, it is how many times you get back up. I will continue to fight and get back up... It is always possible and understandable that I just have to call a spade a spade and continue to count on the one person who has always been there for me, ME.
She kinda wants her cake and to eat it, too it sounds like. Screw the wedding. Get married at city hall and have a barbecue or a dinner at a nice restaurant. If that ruffles family feathers, well, then they can pay for the wedding they want you to have. But if you're worried about money and she wants a kid pronto, then you should be willing to have a cheap wedding. Sorry - that's just common sense. I know all about big Jersey-style weddings, but why follow a stupid trend?
That's a fine idea. Even a BBQ at lovely scenic park would work. I recently saw some love story movie (about the wife who lost her memory) and they got married with friends present at an art museum, but it was off the cuff. It was really sweet.
She kinda wants her cake and to eat it, too it sounds like. Screw the wedding. Get married at city hall and have a barbecue or a dinner at a nice restaurant. If that ruffles family feathers, well, then they can pay for the wedding they want you to have. But if you're worried about money and she wants a kid pronto, then you should be willing to have a cheap wedding. Sorry - that's just common sense. I know all about big Jersey-style weddings, but why follow a stupid trend?
This is for a inexpensive wedding just at a restaurant in a private room. The photographer is crazily priced, and is more than 1/3 the cost. One of the reasons why I say these things are stupid and unnecessary. The license is the important part, not the party. I am the only one who thinks this way though. Then again, parents and my sister and brother are not paying for it, so why would they know the financial struggles.
This is for a inexpensive wedding just at a restaurant in a private room. The photographer is crazily priced, and is more than 1/3 the cost. One of the reasons why I say these things are stupid and unnecessary. The license is the important part, not the party. I am the only one who thinks this way though. Then again, parents and my sister and brother are not paying for it, so why would they know the financial struggles.
You don't have a hobby photographer in your circle?
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