For Guys Here Who Struggle With Women Because of Anxiety/Low Confidence/Etc... (date, girlfriends)
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I was terrorized from 6th grade until 10th grade when I moved out of the school district. I remember one time I asked a girl out and then got clowned by a lot of people. Bye-bye self-confidence. My self-confidence took 6 years to get to the just over mediocre level it is at now from rock bottom when I moved. Once I built up enough in me to go out and meet new people, I got enough confidence to talk to women, even if exclusively in online dating right now.
I'm thrilled that you're getting your feet back under you! That's a very good thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with online dating. I do hope that you're using that as a stepping stone to meet some people face-to-face. It takes time and a lot of introspection, but it can be done!
Was there a certain event, a series of events, a certain influence or something in particular that you can trace back to the beginning of your problems with dating?
For me, it was a combination of watching too much porn as a VERY young kid without having any real contact with girls (this totally retarded my development), early teasing/bullying from kids in high school (they would make fun of me for the fact that I had never done anything at all with girls at the age of 15-16 and made it seem like I would never get a girl - I totally internalized this too). The fact that I was overweight in high school made me even less interested in attempting anything. Internally, I reinforced this stuff over and over and over and over again.
After that point, I got into another destructive habit - reading PUA garbage. All PUA taught me is the common sense social skills I already have, but it made it seem like you have to be this great cassanova just to get a girl. It made dating a lot more complex and difficult in my mind than it really is. Also all the online forever alone dudes with their constant whining made me feel like you have to be flawless to get a decent looking woman
Basically, I developed every goddamn possible negative habit/mindset/attitude you could ever want to avoid as far as it comes to dating - I put women on the pedestal, had no confidence in myself, overestimated the difficulty of dating, developed a huge inferiority complex where I was always trying to prove something, hated approaching, felt very uncomfortable around women, etc... etc... Over the last few years, I've really worked hard on trying to break through all that and just make things as simple as possible and now I'm just trying to be myself and find somebody who gets along and appreciates my pace and energy. I've been dealing with very intense loneliness for quite a while now (as you guys well know by now) and it's just so hard to break out of my shell with all the negative garbage that's been in my mind over the yeaers
I honestly can't wait until the day where I have somebody that I feel a very strong connection with...this will be the greatest moments of my life
I have a post that I have been needing to write for a while, but I am embarrassed and such and it comes from lack of self esteem and a host of other reasons, but kudos for you for coming on here and at least trying. Little by little and day by day man and read wall st kid's advice, he's right.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,775,771 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhacer
I'm thrilled that you're getting your feet back under you! That's a very good thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with online dating. I do hope that you're using that as a stepping stone to meet some people face-to-face. It takes time and a lot of introspection, but it can be done!
Well it is definitely a stepping stone at this point. I am slowly gaining enough courage when I deal with women in real life, and online dating is a big contributor to this.
Quote:
you can work on yourself all you want, doesn't mean you're going to get jack squat from the opposite sex. so whatever. - doll eyes
Thanks for your "expected" words in the rep comment DE. I'm doing the best me I can do so whatever. I would say more but I need to get back to sleep to work in 4 1/2 hours.
Well it is definitely a stepping stone at this point. I am slowly gaining enough courage when I deal with women in real life, and online dating is a big contributor to this.
Thanks for your "expected" words in the rep comment DE. I'm doing the best me I can do so whatever. I would say more but I need to get back to sleep to work in 4 1/2 hours.
You're welcome and bravo to you, I never said you could or couldn't try anything.... I said it's B.S. when people claim 'just work on yourself and you will get results with the opposite sex!' If that has worked for you thus far, so be it. I don't beleive it's a fix all the way some claim it can be, but that's my opinion. You can take it or leave it, agree with it or not. Oh well!
Was there a certain event, a series of events, a certain influence or something in particular that you can trace back to the beginning of your problems with dating?
For me, it was a combination of watching too much porn as a VERY young kid without having any real contact with girls (this totally retarded my development), early teasing/bullying from kids in high school (they would make fun of me for the fact that I had never done anything at all with girls at the age of 15-16 and made it seem like I would never get a girl - I totally internalized this too). The fact that I was overweight in high school made me even less interested in attempting anything. Internally, I reinforced this stuff over and over and over and over again.
After that point, I got into another destructive habit - reading PUA garbage. All PUA taught me is the common sense social skills I already have, but it made it seem like you have to be this great cassanova just to get a girl. It made dating a lot more complex and difficult in my mind than it really is. Also all the online forever alone dudes with their constant whining made me feel like you have to be flawless to get a decent looking woman
Basically, I developed every goddamn possible negative habit/mindset/attitude you could ever want to avoid as far as it comes to dating - I put women on the pedestal, had no confidence in myself, overestimated the difficulty of dating, developed a huge inferiority complex where I was always trying to prove something, hated approaching, felt very uncomfortable around women, etc... etc... Over the last few years, I've really worked hard on trying to break through all that and just make things as simple as possible and now I'm just trying to be myself and find somebody who gets along and appreciates my pace and energy. I've been dealing with very intense loneliness for quite a while now (as you guys well know by now) and it's just so hard to break out of my shell with all the negative garbage that's been in my mind over the yeaers
I honestly can't wait until the day where I have somebody that I feel a very strong connection with...this will be the greatest moments of my life
The fact that you understand the roots or your issues means that you have the power to get over all of it and rise above it. Now that you have identified all this, that keeps you back, get rid of it.
Take it one day at a time. You are not going to get over all of it, one day at a time.
Just ALWAYS take your understanding of all of this, and remember it in your daily interactions. Remember next time you want to go over and talk to a girl, take all of this and just trample on it.
I kind of know you feel. I went through some similar things. But now that you have identified all of it, you can rise above it, but it will take just a little time too.
These problems aren't unique to you and over the coming years it's going to get worse. Realize that the vast vast majority of kids are first exposed to sex over a computer, and there is very little that can be done to stop that. It's actually pretty scary.
Innocence has been lost with this generation....10 years prior to the up and commers. We've been exposed to some of the nastiest sexual crap that humans have ever come up with and women more and more are looked at as simple masturbation tools. It's going to be a rough couple decades for men. You're at the tip of a fundamental shift, and it's not for the better.
For parents who don't care, or who aren't aware of these things, sure, but parents who know better simply put controls on their household computers.
This is the perfect example of a guy that needs PUA.
If you want to get girls, you have to change your personality and your situation dramatically. It definitely is possible for things to work out for you, man. Don't let anybody on this board (or anywhere else) tell you otherwise.
Just out of curiosity, how did you almost lose your job twice due to women?
First of all, what is PUA?
One girl at a restaurant was teasing me. She smacked my butt a couple of times, talked to me during work hours, just really leading me on. I found out she was 17, and I was 20 years old, so I backed off. However, she told me her family does profession horse back riding, so I did ask her about going. About a month later, a cop came during lunch-rush looking for me, saying I was sexual harassing the girl.
The second time, I can't remember too well. A girl at work was doing the same thing as the first girl, but talking dirty too. She later complained to the manager about me. She quit, thought but the manager pulled me into the office and told me that she complained that, again, I was sexual harassing her. She threatened to fire me but I told her I never did.
I know people on this board won't believe me, heck, I'm a guy. I had to switch my work time to the mornings and work with the older ladies.
Too many to list, but it's a pretty good story considering the turnaround. Well, for my change it was every brutal rejection accumulated over the course of 12 years. Various like women bursting into laughter when I ask, ones who just plain freak out and won't even go near me for weeks. Finding out I had some secret reputation as "undateable" because of some personal secrets (really trivial) thanks to my own mother and sister who worked where I did and being a small city things spread pretty fast.
I try to resist pulling the race card, but as a half minority in a "christian" Caucasian city people naturally assumed I was dumb or always getting into trouble, this attracted the ones who were into the bad type who were flat out nasty looking. Or I was considered too nice because I tried to be an upstanding citizen, following the law, following church, and was taught to put women on a pedestal by family and friends alike and over the years everything I was bought up to believe in was picked apart inch by inch.
Then my biggest breakdown occured a "christian" women who not only rejected me when she found out I didn't have the right major when I tried to go to college, while working as a janitor (still in my early 20s) she basically ridiculed me to others of having the gall to have feelings for her -- was thankful I didn't ask her out and married a 30k millionare metrosexual who spoiled her rotten (trips around the world), who as also my self-appointed rival. He was the kind of guy who acted like a trust fund brat and bragged how his step family is so successful to the point of smugness. I retaliated by pretty much being a jerk to her after all things transpired. She proceeded to keep her distance as we basically acted like jerks toward each other, me showing desperation trying to find a girlfriend but the damage was done. I was "The Undateable" so to speak.
The first time I thought I had true feelings of love were shattered as I watch this couple start a family, the company practically treated them like a celebrity couple. You're probably wondering why I couldn't quit, well jobs really blow in that city. And there was zero opportunity to start a career, anyway over the years she started to act normal to me, and me to her... some times she even tried to start a conversation and I just played with it. Of course I started to find out some things were awry with their marriage, like her husband always hanging with teenage boys, spending all his money while she supported both of them, and now just recently this snake in the grass lost his job and they're really struggling because his step dad won't bail him out and all the bridges hes burned for thinking he's above them turned their backs on him. Needless to say karma is in full swing and to top it all off, I recently ran into her and WOW is she a mess, putting on 50+ pounds and a receding hairline. I didn't even recognize her until she said her name. Karma has been working overtime on this situation and I've felt like justice has been served. So that bit restored a good chunk of faith.
Oh to top it all off, every infidelity and paternity fraud post I've read all over the internet has really ruined any optimism on my dating still. Love doesn't even enter my mind when factual evidence tells me to keep on my guard, sorry to say, she has to earn my trust and even still I feel I need to watch my back.
After turning 30 (32 now), I have no problem approaching women. Some approach me every now and then but they present many things I'm not interested in: bad attitude, fake body products, former party girl, their kids, debt, looming ex, bad family... I've finally attained true freedom, now that my family and roommates have left and I'm not ready to give up my independence after all these years of servitude. I could date, but there aren't many women I'm interested into with all the things I've learned so I just keep to myself until I meet someone that could change my worldview.
Marriage would of been nice if I were blind and ignorant, and set in my ways when I was in my 20s but reality completely changed that for me, I should be grateful that I didn't end up like some of my married miserable friends who still tell me how lucky I am. It's a happy ending, as bittersweet as it is.
Various like women bursting into laughter when I ask, ones who just plain freak out and won't even go near me for weeks. Finding out I had some secret reputation as "undateable" because of some personal secrets (really trivial) thanks to my own mother and sister who worked where I did and being a small city things spread pretty fast.
I didn't have too much experience during HS and somehow swung the complete opposite afterwards.
Approaching, I remember beating myself up, "Cmon, get it together" type thinking. Now, eh
I remember learning how to dive into water. It took a hundred approaches of hesitating, skipping, and jumping in feet first before bam, I just dove in one day, head first.
Now, I can get shot down hard, walk back to a bunch of friends laughing their faces off, say "I'll give her ten minutes to think about it", then go back again...cause really, I think I am unable to feel shame at this point. That or I have no self respect. Who knows
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words in the rep comment DE. I'm doing the best me I can do so whatever. I would say more but I need to get back to sleep to work in 4 1/2 hours.
