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What? Why should the onus be on the OP to take care of a grown man who should be well enough able to take care of himself?
Sometimes "the love of a good woman" isn't enough to fix a relationship. No - a LOT of times, it's not enough. Both parties need to put some effort in if things are going to work out long-term.
I was thinking about this when I was driving home from work for some reason: There are some guys I know who talk about how their lives were a mess and that the woman they were with basically fixed them up, cleaned up their credit, etc. etc. I'm glad it seems to have worked for them, but is it really the woman's responsibility to do this? Never in my 38 years have I ever heard of some guy taking some hot mess of a girl and cleaning up her act for her. Guys can't complain that a woman is trying to change them and at the same time put the responsibility for their future squarely in their hands. You can't have it both ways.
To the OP: If I understand you correctly, you're with this guy because he is sweet and honest, because you share some interests,and because you are afraid that you will regret it if you sever ties with this man.
First off, being sweet and honest isn't a selling point, it is an expectation. Don't give someone bonus point because they do something that any decent human being SHOULD do.
Second, it's great if you can share hobbies with your partner, but it is even more important that your values mesh. It is a lot easier to introduce a responsible guy to a new cuisine than it is to get an irresponsible one to get it together financially.
Third, yes, the devil you know...Look at it this way: you could just as easily grow to regret not meeting someone who has the same level of ambition. You already said that you feel like you are settling, that you don't want the guy to meet your parents because you don't think that they would approve. I think deep down in your heart, you know that you're the one that doesn't approve. And that's OK.
I think you have answered your own question about 90% by yourself and the other 10% is about giving yourself permission to do what you want to do about this situation.
Mom is that you? Great advice! Especially feeling like I'm missing out on someone more compatible. I live in a city where I swear they put something in the water because everyone here seems to be so driven and focused and I'm always meeting guys who are really successful...and full of themselves lol. But I do wonder how my SO can be so irresponsible with money. Given the chance to live at home for 3 years I would probably have saved up for a house. Rent is a huge expense here, he's so lucky to live with his mom and have the chance to set aside money for the future, so it baffles me that he hasn't. I think I know the answer to, but I still want to believe he will get it together :-/ maybe a break from each other to see what else is out there will help.
This is a man that is unmotivated, content living with his mom, and refuses a good job that was literally handed to him. Job are hard to come by these days and I would have been livid if he were my BF and did that. He is not going to change, he will always have a laziness about him, never a go-getter. I think you need to find someone that wants to make something of his life, takes pride in his job, and is independent.
Unless there are major traumas involved such as losing everything in a house fire in the previous two months, a man who is 30 and still lives with his mother is not a man. He is a child in a man costume. He wants someone else to take care of him and he does not want to make his way in the world. He wants things to be easy. Having a real-deal job is hard. It involves getting up early. Schlepping drinks isn't exactly easy, but it's not demanding either.
The thing is, if the guy wants to be a bartender, then that's totally cool. All work is honorable and if he likes it and supports himself with it and isn't banging the customers while being involved with you, then no problem. However, the living with Mom thing speaks to something different.
a man who is 30 and still lives with his mother is not a man. He is a child in a man costume. He wants someone else to take care of him and he does not want to make his way in the world. He wants things to be easy.
The same can be said about a lot of married men who substitute their wives for their mother
I have a very old, and dear friend that I've known forever, and he lived home till he was 38. He didn't want to rent, and his mother was alone- his father had passed on. He eventually, 'bought' a home, but still, it's only a few miles away from his mother ... I try not to judge. Who knows why he is in the position he is in -
Hopefully he is saving while he is at home - it's a tough economy, and real estate is not cheap. Why toss money away, giving it to a landlord when you give some to your bank account, and some to your parents till you're ready to purchase.
The same can be said about a lot of married men who substitute their wives for their mother
This is true. But the OP is not dating them.
But women get tired of those men, too. Eventually, in their late 30s or 40s, they grow weary of these passive guys who have never turned into adults and bag them.
Then those guys come on CD and write bitter posts about what golddiggers and users women are.
I have a very old, and dear friend that I've known forever, and he lived home till he was 38. He didn't want to rent, and his mother was alone- his father had passed on. He eventually, 'bought' a home, but still, it's only a few miles away from his mother ... I try not to judge. Who knows why he is in the position he is in.
I see that as admirable to live close to his mother and see if she is being taken care of.
What is he supposed to do? Ditch his widowed mother because women will think he's a momma's boy?
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