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I say if the genders were reversed there wouldn't be as much critique.
Then it all goes with "It's not really about money, it's about money" in the end after the rest of ones other so-called imperfections and situation is judged.
If the bf @ 30 who lives with Mom bothers you, don't waste either of your times.
FYI: There are men and women in their 50's plus living with their parent(s). I say get over it and don't date them if they don't fit your criteria or expectations that you want to conform to your own.
Thank goodness I know enough not to participate in the game, I have no worries about what others may "think" of me.
I met a really nice guy. I don't think I have ever met a guy this honest and sweet. The problem is he is not very ambitious. He does not have a college degree, but I don;t mind that, as long as you have some sort of career, or goals. However, he is 30 and he is a bartender, which is perfectly fine! BUT he claims the reason he can't move out of his moms house is because bartending is not stable.
So I broke up with him in August due to, "being in different places in life." I am currently working on my masters, I am a broke grad student, but I am STILL living on my own and working while going to school. I just didn't see why he has been living at home for the last 3 years! Worst of all, he has not saved up ANY money. He has nothing in savings which scares me. When I broke up with him, he called me a week later and told me he enrolled in a local community college, I was proud of him and took him back. I thought he was working towards an associate in IT but I guess it's really a certificate. I just found this out because he told me he has only 2 classes left to complete his schooling. I don't really know how much one can make in IT without a bachelors or associates, so I am willing to wait to see if he does indeed move out and find a stable job. My concern is, am I wasting time waiting for him to grow up?
Yesterday my uncle told me he needed a new assistant manager. I suggested my bf since he has been bartending for 5 years, I thought he'd be perfect. My uncle was really interested in meeting with him and offered him $45,000 salary but my bf turned it down He said he didn't want to be in that line of work, so we are back at square one.
We ended up in a big arguement. I asked him, why not take the job just to save up some money so you can move out? He then tells me he is content living with his mother and will move when he is ready, right now he is not in a rush and doesn't mind living there. If he is content there is nothing much I can do. My questions for you all are:
1. would you stay or go?
2. Do you think he can do ok with a certificate in IT?
3. Am I being picky? Am i demanding to much?
I have never dated anyone like this and i don't know if I am wasting my time. I am 24 and not getting any younger and starting to think i should explore other options
Any jamoke with a high school education who turns down a steady $45K/yr job in this economy needs to be kicked in the teeth. Right now there are millions of bachelor degree graduates who would murder for a job that pays that much.
Time to move on. Relationships where there's this kind of imbalance of ambition in the woman's favor don't usually end well. Yours almost certainly won't end well either, so it might as well end now rather than later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by glamgal198
I realize that if I stay I will feel like I am settling.
Then there's really nothing left to think about, is there?
Do yourself a favor, rent the movie Blue Valentine if you want to see where this is going if you don't do something about it soon.
Well 24 isn't exactly old, but I think all of this depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for a boyfriend? A husband?
Are you trying to meet goals mate-wise right now? Is he someone you see yourself with down the line? You obviously aren't happy with his living with his mother, what he does for a living, and the fact that he has a certificate and not a degree..
Sounds to me that he is just not good enough for me. Also sounds like you are trying to have him do what you want.
Relationship will go nowhere with you trying to change a man. Find someone you are happy with as is, you have no business or right trying to change someone. Change comes from within ones own self, not from their bf or gf.
Very good advice. People are what they are, it usually doesn't work to try to change them.
My Son had an A++ certification from going to tech school as a teenager and was able to make twice what I was making at the time (He is college now though).
We have just went through some tough economic times, and I would be willing to bet a lot of grown up
people had to move back with their families for awhile to get by. And there is nothing wrong with him being okay with being a bartender or doing IT work - but if this bothers you, you should probably move on, because you really can't really change people. It sounds like you won't really be happy unless you find someone who is really ambitious and makes a lot of money as a professional - it's okay, some people might see that as being a bit superficial, but then again there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way. Everyone has different values and ideas and it doesn't sound like yours really mesh well with his.
I do think the goal of every parent should be to raise a functioning independent adult who is capable of taking care of themselves, but I have noticed that a lot of my friends have lately seen their adult children coming back home to live because of the economic times, so it is so hard to judge the situation.
And every family dynamic and situation is a bit different. Perhaps your boyfriend is helping his Mom out too, by paying some utility bills or whatever for her, or running errands or whatever.
I agree, him being 30 and still living at home concerns me. It would be easier to swallow if he had plans of moving out but he said there is no need to. I hope that when he lands an IT job this changes.
We do have a lot in common as far as hobbies. We like traveling, dining, sports...not very many intellectual conversations, which concerns me, but we do get along pretty well.
I would be less worried about where he lives and more worried about his lack of savings and obvious lack of ambition.
There's not much wrong with living at home if you're single and your parents have room/don't mind. Especially if you help them out a lot around the house.
But, he should be working on some sort of goals right now. Sounds like he lacks ambition and/or direction.
Sounds like you want to turn him into someone you're proud to have meet your folks.
Why not just look for someone you feel that way about without having to try to make him into someone he's not?
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Girlfriend, he isn't gonna do that. YOU want him to do that. HE wants to hang at the bar and live with mom.
He isn't gonna change, no matter how hard you wish. Time to cut bait.
I hate to say it, but it's true. There's a bar in my town that I've been going to for the past 7, almost 8 years. Very few of the bartenders leave the scene, once they stay in it a year or two. Some of the bartenders quit, but now they bartend at other establishments. The same thing goes for waitstaff at restaurants. It's just enough money to pay the bills, but not enough money to think about the future. They always end up living in the now!
I don't think he wants to do anything, but be young and live at home. As a male, you will get very little respect from a woman, that has any degree of initiative, living at home at that age. I moved out at 27, and I lost out on some good women, because I did still live at home. My living at home became a BIG problem around 25, when many women were looking for a stable man. It took me longer than planned to finish school, which is why I remained at home. Once I received my degree, I got a promotion, and was easily able to afford to live on my own.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a man or woman who has equal goals as you. It's what helps keep conversation going within a relationship, since you can always engage ideas with each other. When you aren't on the same page, you end up running out of things to say.
My current girlfriend has told me more than once, that the dealbreaker for her would have been if she met me while I still lived at home. No matter how much she likes my qualities, the overwhelming feeling of try to analyze why I still lived at home would bother her too much. Living at home, without a very valid reason, is just not a good look for me after 24 or 25.
I have never dated anyone like this and i don't know if I am wasting my time. I am 24 and not getting any younger and starting to think i should explore other options
I think you are being bossy about his life, and should definitely find someone else if this is how you feel about your bf.
Very good advice. People are what they are, it usually doesn't work to try to change them.
My Son had an A++ certification from going to tech school as a teenager and was able to make twice what I was making at the time (He is college now though).
We have just went through some tough economic times, and I would be willing to bet a lot of grown up
people had to move back with their families for awhile to get by. And there is nothing wrong with him being okay with being a bartender or doing IT work - but if this bothers you, you should probably move on, because you really can't really change people. It sounds like you won't really be happy unless you find someone who is really ambitious and makes a lot of money as a professional - it's okay, some people might see that as being a bit superficial, but then again there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way. Everyone has different values and ideas and it doesn't sound like yours really mesh well with his.
I do think the goal of every parent should be to raise a functioning independent adult who is capable of taking care of themselves, but I have noticed that a lot of my friends have lately seen their adult children coming back home to live because of the economic times, so it is so hard to judge the situation.
And every family dynamic and situation is a bit different. Perhaps your boyfriend is helping his Mom out too, by paying some utility bills or whatever for her, or running errands or whatever.
Why does everyone keep saying I have a problem with him bartending?! I never once said that. My problem is he claims he doesn't have enough money to survive to support himself independently. If he was able to bartend and live on his own and pay his own bills, great!!!! He has been bartending for 6 years, he complains about how he hates it and wants to make money but he never thought, gee, let me try something else until I broke up with him. That's why he even went to get certification in the first place. I clearly stated, I don't care what profession he is in as long as I see he is trying to build a career. Why? Because it shows he has plans for his future. I don't see that in him now. I only asked about his possibility of making a living in IT because I don't want him STILL telling me in the future, "I still can't support myself". I had a neighbor in undergrad who was paying her way through school and living in a 1 bedroom through bartending so I don't find his reason credible now as is.
He is not helping his mom, his mom has a pretty good job and a live in boyfriend, she is fine. He does pay for cable, but that's because he's the only one using it
The economy has not really affected the bartending market so much here. He has had about 5 different jobs in the last year. There is no reason for him to live at home, he just likes to, those are his words not mine.
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He said he didn't want to be in that line of work, so we are back at square one.
