My bf is 30 and still lives with mom (dating, boyfriend, guys)
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I met a really nice guy. I don't think I have ever met a guy this honest and sweet. The problem is he is not very ambitious. He does not have a college degree, but I don;t mind that, as long as you have some sort of career, or goals. However, he is 30 and he is a bartender, which is perfectly fine! BUT he claims the reason he can't move out of his moms house is because bartending is not stable.
So I broke up with him in August due to, "being in different places in life." I am currently working on my masters, I am a broke grad student, but I am STILL living on my own and working while going to school. I just didn't see why he has been living at home for the last 3 years! Worst of all, he has not saved up ANY money. He has nothing in savings which scares me. When I broke up with him, he called me a week later and told me he enrolled in a local community college, I was proud of him and took him back. I thought he was working towards an associate in IT but I guess it's really a certificate. I just found this out because he told me he has only 2 classes left to complete his schooling. I don't really know how much one can make in IT without a bachelors or associates, so I am willing to wait to see if he does indeed move out and find a stable job. My concern is, am I wasting time waiting for him to grow up?
Yesterday my uncle told me he needed a new assistant manager. I suggested my bf since he has been bartending for 5 years, I thought he'd be perfect. My uncle was really interested in meeting with him and offered him $45,000 salary but my bf turned it down He said he didn't want to be in that line of work, so we are back at square one.
We ended up in a big arguement. I asked him, why not take the job just to save up some money so you can move out? He then tells me he is content living with his mother and will move when he is ready, right now he is not in a rush and doesn't mind living there. If he is content there is nothing much I can do. My questions for you all are:
1. would you stay or go?
2. Do you think he can do ok with a certificate in IT?
3. Am I being picky? Am i demanding to much?
I have never dated anyone like this and i don't know if I am wasting my time. I am 24 and not getting any younger and starting to think i should explore other options
Well 24 isn't exactly old, but I think all of this depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for a boyfriend? A husband?
Are you trying to meet goals mate-wise right now? Is he someone you see yourself with down the line? You obviously aren't happy with his living with his mother, what he does for a living, and the fact that he has a certificate and not a degree..
Sounds to me that he is just not good enough for me. Also sounds like you are trying to have him do what you want.
Relationship will go nowhere with you trying to change a man. Find someone you are happy with as is, you have no business or right trying to change someone. Change comes from within ones own self, not from their bf or gf.
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2. Do you think he can do ok with a certificate in IT?
Sure he can. What kind of certificate? What school? Or do you mean certification? I think he would do best with some Microsoft and sprinkle in a VCP and CCNA. That should make him well rounded enough to handle his way in either a Net Admin job or doing Datacenter stuff.
Yesterday my uncle told me he needed a new assistant manager. I suggested my bf since he has been bartending for 5 years, I thought he'd be perfect. My uncle was really interested in meeting with him and offered him $45,000 salary but my bf turned it down He said he didn't want to be in that line of work, so we are back at square one.
And bartending is such a great line of work? A job isn't a life sentence. He could take the job, then look for something in a line of work he prefers. Stick with the job a year or two, then go for something else. This doesn't look like a good sign. What are his job search plans for when he finishes his certificate? Does have concrete plans at all? Maybe you two could take a break from each other, and he could look you up when he lands a good, steady job...? It would be better than your hanging around and making him feel pressured, getting into arguments, etc. Just a thought.
Sure he can. What kind of certificate? What school? Or do you mean certification? I think he would do best with some Microsoft and sprinkle in a VCP and CCNA. That should make him well rounded enough to handle his way in either a Net Admin job or doing Datacenter stuff.
Has he ever been in IT before?
No, he hopes to land a job after completing certification. I'm glad to hear he could support himself this way though
And bartending is such a great line of work? A job isn't a life sentence. He could take the job, then look for something in a line of work he prefers. Stick with the job a year or two, then go for something else. This doesn't look like a good sign. What are his job search plans for when he finishes his certificate? Does have concrete plans at all? Maybe you two could take a break from each other, and he could look you up when he lands a good, steady job...? It would be better than your hanging around and making him feel pressured, getting into arguments, etc. Just a thought.
I don't mean to put pressure on him, but If I didn't break up with him, he wouldn't even be persuing certification. I don't understand how his mom could allow him to live there for so long without contributing anything...maybe it's the capricorn in me.
I know its hard if you really like him and he has a lot of redeeming qualities, but you will end up taking care of him for as long as you are together. Think about where you will be in five years with this guy, or ten, or how it will be if you have kids. He is looking to move from mom to mom substitute (you). He seems passive and not interested in making commitments.
My ex husband was very much like this. Super talented chef, could have been in any kitchen he wanted running th show. But he was so unmotivated to go anywhere. Hard worker, held down a job, so it wasn't that he was lazy. Just unambitious and not interested in growing up or changing. As he got older, he got more bitter when he started to realize he had no savings, no retirement, no plans. He wanted me to provide all of them for him and take care of him so that eventually he could stop working. I probably would have, too, except that he became embittered and eventually abusive. He was also older than me-- the whole thing echoes your situation.
I am very independent and put off a lot of what I wanted because I had to plan for him. Then one day I realized he was an adult and perfectly capable of doing it for himself if he wanted to. Thank god we didn't have kids.
Well 24 isn't exactly old, but I think all of this depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for a boyfriend? A husband?
Are you trying to meet goals mate-wise right now? Is he someone you see yourself with down the line? You obviously aren't happy with his living with his mother, what he does for a living, and the fact that he has a certificate and not a degree..
Sounds to me that he is just not good enough for me. Also sounds like you are trying to have him do what you want.
Relationship will go nowhere with you trying to change a man. Find someone you are happy with as is, you have no business or right trying to change someone. Change comes from within ones own self, not from their bf or gf.
I'm not trying to change him, that's why I am wondering if I should stay or go. I realize that if I stay I will feel like I am settling. We have been dating for a year and he hasn't even met my parents and I know it's because they would be disappointed in my choice. My ex was 29 with a PhD and he just bought his own place. It's a big difference between the two. I realize I cannot change who he is, I Just don't know if I would regret letting go of a good guy later or am I being superficial and should look past his flaws and accept him for who he really is?
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He said he didn't want to be in that line of work, so we are back at square one.
