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I'm not trying to change him, that's why I am wondering if I should stay or go. I realize that if I stay I will feel like I am settling. We have been dating for a year and he hasn't even met my parents and I know it's because they would be disappointed in my choice. My ex was 29 with a PhD and he just bought his own place. It's a big difference between the two. I realize I cannot change who he is, I Just don't know if I would regret letting go of a good guy later or am I being superficial and should look past his flaws and accept him for who he really is?
Proceed with caution when comparing one to the other. They are different people. You are probably learning what you want and don't want from every relationship.
I know its hard if you really like him and he has a lot of redeeming qualities, but you will end up taking care of him for as long as you are together. Think about where you will be in five years with this guy, or ten, or how it will be if you have kids. He is looking to move from mom to mom substitute (you). He seems passive and not interested in making commitments.
My ex husband was very much like this. Super talented chef, could have been in any kitchen he wanted running th show. But he was so unmotivated to go anywhere. Hard worker, held down a job, so it wasn't that he was lazy. Just unambitious and not interested in growing up or changing. As he got older, he got more bitter when he started to realize he had no savings, no retirement, no plans. He wanted me to provide all of them for him and take care of him so that eventually he could stop working. I probably would have, too, except that he became embittered and eventually abusive. He was also older than me-- the whole thing echoes your situation.
I am very independent and put off a lot of what I wanted because I had to plan for him. Then one day I realized he was an adult and perfectly capable of doing it for himself if he wanted to. Thank god we didn't have kids.
Wow! This sounds just like my current BF! This is exactly what I fear. He is really irresponsible with money. He bought me a $500 purse just because, I told him to take it back and SAVE his money!!! He got mad at me and told me it was not my business what I do with my money. I was proud of him beause he saved $1000 the last few months and yesterday he told me was purchasing a new car,ugh! His current car is perfectly fine!!!
He can make it as far as $200,000 a year in IT without a degree. Key is experience, and who likes you. Thats how i paid through my undergraduate work..it let me travel sooo much too. PM me..i can give you a good lead for him
He can make it as far as $200,000 a year in IT without a degree. Key is experience, and who likes you. Thats how i paid through my undergraduate work..it let me travel sooo much too. PM me..i can give you a good lead for him
I'm not trying to change him, that's why I am wondering if I should stay or go. I realize that if I stay I will feel like I am settling. We have been dating for a year and he hasn't even met my parents and I know it's because they would be disappointed in my choice. My ex was 29 with a PhD and he just bought his own place. It's a big difference between the two. I realize I cannot change who he is, I Just don't know if I would regret letting go of a good guy later or am I being superficial and should look past his flaws and accept him for who he really is?
Maybe you are sensing a future where you grow toward goals and he doesn't.
It's nice of you to be his cheerleader, but wouldn't you rather have an equal mate?
well they judge women by the cars they drive, so on that note, it's okay for you to judge him on his living with his mother. if you don't like it, get rid of him b/c he's not the only man on Earth.
Everyone is different if you love him & want to be with then see if you can help encourage him some Give him some time. My mom didn't go back to get her R.N lic untill she was 55. I just turned 45 & I'm thinking about going back to school myself it's different for everyone.
he is 30
he claims the reason he can't move out of his moms house is because bartending is not stable.
I am 24 and not getting any younger and starting to think i should explore other options
I don't see any harm in exploring other options. I didn't realize he's 30 and still living with mom. Not a good sign. Take a break and let him get his act together (if he does). Honest and sweet are great, but he's not the only man on Earth with those qualities. There are lots of honest and sweet guys out there who have steady jobs they like. The other thing to consider: how much do you have in common? You're getting an advanced degree? How intellectually curious and well-informed about things is he? If you're an achiever, and he isn't, that may not make for a good LTR.
Maybe you are sensing a future where you grow toward goals and he doesn't.
It's nice of you to be his cheerleader, but wouldn't you rather have an equal mate?
Awesome post!
And OP, "irresponsible with money" is a huge red flag. One of the top reason marriages break up is that the partners aren't on the same page with money management. It won't get any better in that regard. Even if he gets a good job, the fact that he's able to make decent money won't fix his tendency to be irresponsible. He'll just have more money to be irresponsible with.
I don't see any harm in exploring other options. I didn't realize he's 30 and still living with mom. Not a good sign. Take a break and let him get his act together (if he does). Honest and sweet are great, but he's not the only man on Earth with those qualities. There are lots of honest and sweet guys out there who have steady jobs they like. The other thing to consider: how much do you have in common? You're getting an advanced degree? How intellectually curious and well-informed about things is he? If you're an achiever, and he isn't, that may not make for a good LTR.
Never a truer word was spoken.
I met my ex when I was 22 and was with him for 12 years because he was sweet and dependable when we met. Don't hang your hat on something that exists now because it may not stay that way. Always think about the future.
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