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I don't think the question is whether or not he "cheated" on you. I think the real questions are what do you want to believe and can you get past this?
If you want to let the hurt and bitterness take over and ruin your marriage because you want out and this is just the excuse to do so, then you will.
If you want to try to work on your relationship with your husband, then you will go to counseling together to try to move past this.
It really doesn't matter what we in CD land think because this is between you and your husband. However, I think you should talk to your husband and see where you both want this to go. Counseling won't work if only one of you puts in the effort.
You seem to be looking for validation. If you can't move past this then start divorce proceedings and become a regular here with all the lonely, desperate, whiney members.
You can then start your cat collection.
Was this really necessary? I hope nothing like what the OP is experiencing ever happens to you.
Yes, in hindsight maybe I could have/should have been more supportive with more phone contact or something while he was down there. Still, it was nearly impossible for me to physically be there. Our marriage counselor said even if the marriage had been wonderful at the time, I had a lot going on myself and probably couldn't have been there in the way he needed me to be.
It wasn't just an abnormal mammogram. It was a lump. And not the first time I'd been through it. I had a lumpectomy in 2009 and thankfully it turned out to be benign. So here I sat facing that again. Breast cancer is a very real threat in my family. Both my maternal grandmother and maternal great aunt died from it, which puts me at great risk. So my mammogram was scheduled for 2 days after she died. There is only a 2 week window per month that a woman can have a mammogram, as she can't have it done the week before her period or the week of. Missing that appt would have meant waiting a whole extra month for a mammogram.
Looking for validation? Maybe. Or just some general opinions and insight. Isn't that what everyone is posting here for? I've never posted here before, maybe I shouldn't have.
Yes, in hindsight maybe I could have/should have been more supportive with more phone contact or something while he was down there. Still, it was nearly impossible for me to physically be there. Our marriage counselor said even if the marriage had been wonderful at the time, I had a lot going on myself and probably couldn't have been there in the way he needed me to be.
It wasn't just an abnormal mammogram. It was a lump. And not the first time I'd been through it. I had a lumpectomy in 2009 and thankfully it turned out to be benign. So here I sat facing that again. Breast cancer is a very real threat in my family. Both my maternal grandmother and maternal great aunt died from it, which puts me at great risk. So my mammogram was scheduled for 2 days after she died. There is only a 2 week window per month that a woman can have a mammogram, as she can't have it done the week before her period or the week of. Missing that appt would have meant waiting a whole extra month for a mammogram.
Looking for validation? Maybe. Or just some general opinions and insight. Isn't that what everyone is posting here for? I've never posted here before, maybe I shouldn't have.
OP (original poster), I understand about the mammogram situation. My grandmother died of breast cancer, my aunt has breast cancer, and my mom has benign lumps. This is a very scary situation to be dealing with alone. For that matter, you couldn't have gone to the funeral because of your own father's surgery.
Even with more phone calls, there is only so much a person can do. Your husband made his choices. I would be devestated if I were in your situation. Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to move past it, growing up with a dad who cheated, this is a deal breaker for me. Whether it is emotional or physical, I think cheating is cheating.
But, as I previously posted, the questions you have to answer are what do you want and can you move past it....
Looking for validation? Maybe. Or just some general opinions and insight. Isn't that what everyone is posting here for? I've never posted here before, maybe I shouldn't have.
You obviously have a list of injustices that you feel need to be righted.
Until you stop looking for ways to check off that list, your marriage will suffer.
I'm telling you ... right now, you need to STOP worrying about his mother, your mammogram, some skeevy woman back home, your father, the kids, etc., just for one day, and figure out 1) if you love your husband, and 2) decide if you want to be married to him, and what his answers to those questions are.
But if you approach him with your list of grievances, you will only argue and grow further apart. Once you decide if you love each other and want to continue your commitment, then you can deal with the list.
As a person who has been through much marriage therapy, I promise you that the things you are focusing on are only symptoms, not the real problem.
No, probably not, but you have reason to be worried about your shakey marriage. I think you should have been there for him at his mother's funeral. Funerals only happen once.
No, probably not, but you have reason to be worried about your shakey marriage. I think you should have been there for him at his mother's funeral. Funerals only happen once.
There are times when this is just not possible, regardless of "shoulds" and "wants." If I had to fly my 3 kids and myself across the country today, I literally would not be able to afford it.
There are times when this is just not possible, regardless of "shoulds" and "wants." If I had to fly my 3 kids and myself across the country today, I literally would not be able to afford it.
There are times when this is just not possible, regardless of "shoulds" and "wants." If I had to fly my 3 kids and myself across the country today, I literally would not be able to afford it.
You do what you can.
Sure you can. I bet you would if it were your mother who died.
This man clearly feels alone. And everything is all about her. Like I said, deaths and funerals only happen once. Exams, kids, travel bills, and even mammograms can be rescheduled and dealt with the next week or later.
wow. i could understand why u feel depressed. its def hurtful to hear the man tha u are married to shared a bed with another woman..even if they didnt have sex.. its still somewhat cheating.
i believe that cheating comes in many forms. emotional cheating, mental cheating, and physical cheating. what really alarms me about your story is that u found out months later that he spent the night with this woman. i honestly cantsay if he had sex with her or not, but what does your gut say? do you have any way of contacting her and asking her? if u do, u can tell her that your husband confessed that he and her had sex and then see what she says. if u cant contact her, then u are going to be living with this doubt for the rest of your life.
im kinda in a situation similiar to yours. my husbands father died in dec 2012. my husband has been acting strange, actually stranger since his father died and now, hes a complete mamas boy and i have no idea where the man i married went. i also dealt with the mystery of which when my father in law was alive, he told me that my husband was downstairs in their neighbors apartment. a neighbor who was a single woman in her 40s. my husband never answered his phone the nite he supposedly hung out in her house nor did he confront his dad for supposedly lying. the neighbor thing happened a little over 2 yrs ago. i think about it alot and it has changed the way i look at my husband.
u are not overreacting. there are some problems with this story:
if there were other people, why wake HER up?
SHE hugged him? or does he mean THEY hugged. he makes himself sound like it was only her/
it almost sounds like hes punishing you for not getting along with his mom. example: *he talked to her because u and his mom didnt get along so he couldnt talk to you about his grief*
telling you that u need to get over it. my husband says that alot too. i hate that. i am human with emotions and feelings and i just cant turn them off like a lightswitch. maybe u feel the same way. when i think i got over the neighbor thing, or the fact that he called his ex gf when he was deployed, or called the girl i got into an argument with "babe", when i think its all behind me, i get pissed off a him for something unrelated and all those feelings of resentment i have towards him come back.
u are mad that he didnt ask your how your mammography went. even though u say u understand that it slipped his mind because he was dealing with the funeral and stuff, ure mammography was very important to you and nerve racking as well. i bet u sometime think in the back of your head "what a jerk, he could grieve his mom but he couldnt see how i was doing" u say u understand tha it slipped his mind but im sure u wish that he wouldve called. its those little things that make all the different,.
my husbands parents wedding anniversary just so happens to fall on my grandfathers death anniversary and thesame day i was home sick with my twin girls and my husband knew what a rough day that was for me but he didnt call me the whole day. instead he called his mom. and he told me that this was his moms first anniversary without her husband but my grandfather has been dead for years.
i wish i can be as gracious as you are to understand when things slip peoples mind but i cant. bu since u brought up how he didnt call u for the mammography goes to show that theres is SOME lingering resentment over that.
this is a tough situation for you. i wish u all the best but theres a reason why on divorce papers the options are "irreconcilable differences" and "the marriage is irretrievably broken". Divorce is a 7 letter word very easy to say but very hard to do. but theres a reason why its so expensive... its worth it! hahaha.
Marriage counseling is a great step! especially since he wants to go with u..but if you feel like you are gettin nowhere maybe its time to get a new counselor. see how that goes. i wish i can tell you to just trust your husband and getover it, but the truth of the matter is, when youve thought about it for so long and questioned it many nites, the trust is gone and u cant get over it.. at least for now.
if u want to repair this marriage, u guys may have to go back to the start and press play again. thats if u want to play this game. if not, game over and get a divorce. no man should have another woman in his bed... sex or not.
good luck.
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I hope nothing like what the OP is experiencing ever happens to you.
