Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hey, I dont hope anyone goes through a divorce. If you have no assets to worry about than you dont have to even think twice about it.
Sadly, not true. A lack of assets doesn't mean you won't have to pay maintenance to an ex-spouse. And in that case a lack of assets mean you won't even have a cushion to fall back on.
That is very miserly of you. The fair way to do it would be to deposit everything into a joint account. Use the account to pay all joint expenses. At the end of the month, divide the funds equally and transfer them into individual accounts. Leave a cushion for float and timing issues in the joint account. Any personal items are paid by the individual accounts (by personal, I mean jewelry, clothes, toys, etc., not make-up, shaving items, etc.). You can take it a step further by having separate joint accounts for things like trips, furniture, cars, etc. In a divorce, she'll be entitled to half of what you kept from her, so you're better off if you can show it was divided equally.
I'm truly sorry that you feel that the approach that I described earlier is miserly
However, at the same time, you may want to please take a look at post #119, which I just posted a few moments ago. I am not averse to compromising in the interest of fairness of both parties, while also taking any possible steps to minimize the chance of potential abuse...
Then why would you need to keep all of your finances separate? Many couples have separate accounts with a joint account that they use for household/family expenses, to which they either contribute a set amount or set percentage of income monthly. If you wouldn't be able to trust your wife with even that, then that is more of an issue than the money itself.
Yes, I think that is what I was trying to allude to, in my post #119 above...
Just curious, my friend -- rather than having *only* separate accounts or *only* joint accounts, what do you think about the idea of combining the two ideas; sort of like a "best of both worlds" scenario?
For instance: one shared, joint account for both married partners, that either or both can tap into. However, at the same time, both partners can also maintain their own separate accounts, also. It would work like this: my bi-weekly paycheck from my employer would be direct-deposited into my individual account, and then a fixed amount would then be automatically transferred to the joint account, every month.
Just wondering, what do you think of this idea? Is it a possible compromise do you think, between both extremes?
(Also: FWIW, I have nothing but the very highest respect and admiration, for the kind of wonderful and very loving married relationship that you and your DH share together. Marriages like yours are definitely the kinds of marriage that people should look up to, as the gold standard )
Thank you!
I know couples that have a joint account and separate accounts and that seems to work for them. Most of my friends all have joint accounts.
The thing is - the way that you talk about love and the type of woman you seem to want to marry someday - it just doesn't seem that your money issues are compatible with that ideal. Also - you don't have anyone in your life right now. I would hope that if you find someone that you want to actually marry - that you trust them and that they are a good person. This might change the way you see things. Right now, you are very distrustful because of the choices that your father made.
I disagree about the spending of $200 when one has debt and no emergency savings. Building an emergency savings should be the top priority, not giving gifts to others. As for having fun, we have plenty of fun together, the bulk of which I pay for. I take her on mini-vacations from time to time that cost me several hundred dollars a pop...I don't complain as I enjoy it as well and I have been blessed that I have the resources to comfortably afford it.
Part of the problem is that her brother is a bum who gets involved with all these ponzi schemes and also entices her mother to join in his ponzi ideas. The mom has lost a few homes to foreclosure and lost a huge amount of money also, so I hear. My GF was also involved in some ponzi scheme orchestrated by her brother when she was in her early 20s and owed $30,000 which she said she worked 3 jobs to pay off. It was her brother's idea to buy the mom a water fountain and he asked my GF to contribute half... I was upset as my GF has a lot of things she needs money for including a major vacation which she is contributing 40% of the expenses, a traffic ticket that she got recently, she needs some furnishings for her place, she wants to do a trek next year to Africa which will cost $5000 etc. etc. $200 not spent on something frivolous like a fountain would be MUCH better spent on the multitude of other things that she needs to spend on.
I am not saying that she should never ever give her mom a $200 gift, I am saying it is not the right time to do it when one has other priorities. And what is to say that once we get married she suddenly realizes that there is a sh!tload of more money available and starts gifting away? When some people get a lot of income their spending may also change... going from $60k/yr income to a household income of almost $200,000 is a huge upswing.
Perhaps we should set a strict budget and anything not on the budget is not acceptable unless it is an emergency? The budget can include some discretionary expenditure. Then it will be her choice to spend all her discretionary budget the way she deems fit - whether it is on gifts or anything else.
Last edited by ducviloxi; 03-06-2013 at 02:25 PM..
I disagree about the spending of $200 when one has debt and no emergency savings. Building an emergency savings should be the top priority, not giving gifts to others. As for having fun, we have plenty of fun together, the bulk of which I pay for. I take her on mini-vacations from time to time that cost me several hundred dollars a pop...I don't complain as I enjoy it as well and I have been blessed that I have the resources to comfortably afford it.
Part of the problem is that her brother is a bum who gets involved with all these ponzi schemes and also entices her mother to join in his ponzi ideas. The mom has lost a few homes to foreclosure and lost a huge amount of money also, so I hear. My GF was also involved in some ponzi scheme orchestrated by her brother when she was in her early 20s and owed $30,000 which she said she worked 3 jobs to pay off. It was her brother's idea to buy the mom a water fountain and he asked my GF to contribute half... I was upset as my GF has a lot of things she needs money for including a major vacation which she is contributing 40% of the expenses, a traffic ticket that she got recently, she needs some furnishings for her place, she wants to do a trek next year to Africa which will cost $5000 etc. etc. $200 not spent on something frivolous like a fountain would be MUCH better spent on the multitude of other things that she needs to spend on.
It sounds like you are not financially compatible. And it sounds like this isn't something you are going to be able to come to terms with.
I'm truly sorry that you feel that the approach that I described earlier is miserly
However, at the same time, you may want to please take a look at post #119, which I just posted a few moments ago. I am not averse to compromising in the interest of fairness of both partries, while also taking any possible steps to minimize the chance of ptential abuse...
I saw your post, but I think you'd be headed for trouble doing it that way. You're better off flowing it in the opposite direction as I suggested. You can be accused of hiding funds your way, which might expose all of your funds in a divorce. I've heard of husbands hiding their raises and bonuses that way and then getting taken to the cleaners during a divorce.
All you need to do is get on the same page as your spouse on finances and agree to a budget. Together, go over your expenses at the end of a month and make adjustments. If something personal expenses were paid by the joint account, that person needs to reimburse it or transfer less to their personal account. By going over your expenses each month, you limit your exposure to abuse.
All of our accounts are joint (except for IRAs), because we trust each other and it works. Yes, she does buy things outside the budget, but so do I. We just communicate it with each other. Oh, I do have one savings account in my name only because of an online setup issue. I've told her that in case of my demise, she is to transfer everything out of it that day. She can mourn (or celebrate), my passing that evening.
I disagree about the spending of $200 when one has debt and no emergency savings. Building an emergency savings should be the top priority, not giving gifts to others. As for having fun, we have plenty of fun together, the bulk of which I pay for. I take her on mini-vacations from time to time that cost me several hundred dollars a pop...I don't complain as I enjoy it as well and I have been blessed that I have the resources to comfortably afford it.
Part of the problem is that her brother is a bum who gets involved with all these ponzi schemes and also entices her mother to join in his ponzi ideas. The mom has lost a few homes to foreclosure and lost a huge amount of money also, so I hear. My GF was also involved in some ponzi scheme orchestrated by her brother when she was in her early 20s and owed $30,000 which she said she worked 3 jobs to pay off. It was her brother's idea to buy the mom a water fountain and he asked my GF to contribute half... I was upset as my GF has a lot of things she needs money for including a major vacation which she is contributing 40% of the expenses, a traffic ticket that she got recently, she needs some furnishings for her place, she wants to do a trek next year to Africa which will cost $5000 etc. etc. $200 not spent on something frivolous like a fountain would be MUCH better spent on the multitude of other things that she needs to spend on.
I am not saying that she should never ever give her mom a $200 gift, I am saying it is not the right time to do it when one has other priorities. And what is to say that once we get married she suddenly realizes that there is a sh!tload of more money available and starts gifting away? When some people get a lot of income their spending may also change... going from $60k/yr income to a household income of almost $200,000 is a huge upswing.
Perhaps we should set a strict budget and anything not on the budget is not acceptable unless it is an emergency? The budget can include some discretionary expenditure. Then it will be her choice to spend all her discretionary budget the way she deems fit - whether it is on gifts or anything else.
Agree to disagree about the $200. You can't always control the timing of gifts. I'd be more concerned about the $5,000 trip to Africa. Maybe it should be put off. I'd give her much credit for paying off the $30,000 debt herself, which shows she's responsible. Don't fault her for her brother, you can't choose your relatives and hopefully she learned from the experience.
It comes down to you both having a financial discussion. Both of you lay your cards on the table. Find out where you agree and where you don't. See where you both can compromise. Just because she hasn't saved much, doesn't mean she isn't financially responsible. It sounds like she had a strike against her (her brother), that she may be still recovering from.
This does not make any logical sense. How can the standard of living established during the marriage be preserved if the marital assets are divided and one shared household on the same income is now 2 separate households that are much more expensive to maintain? Logic dictates that if a person loses half his assets the standard of living is going to go much lower than what it was during marriage.
In addition there is a tremendous financial setback for BOTH parties in terms of retirement etc. so the marital standard can definitely not be preserved at all...by no stretch of the imagination is this even logical...who wrote these laws, yikes!
Exactly! That is why you need to SOMEWHAT control your own destiny.
We have been married for almost 8 years. My parents were married for over 30 years until my father passed away. My husband's parents have been married for over 40 years. We have the same view on marriage, finances, etc. I don't know anyone who has gotten a prenup. If it is important to you - then that's fine. I can't imagine either one of us thinking that the small amount of money that we brought into this relationship was something so important that we needed to insure it in case of our divorce. Like I said - when you take divorce off the table - you know that you are going to be able to get through anything. It works for us.
I wish everybody out there were like you and me, but if you believe the statistics that means only 54% of the people are like us. That 46% failure rate means you have a lot higher chance of having your marriage dissolve than your house burning down, yet most people still carry homeowners insurance and at a far higher cost than a prenup.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Is it a possible compromise do you think, between both extremes?
)
