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I suppose that is probably long enough to know that you don't want that particular guy.... It seems odd though to meet men and not find anyone compatible since 99, I believe you said it was.... that was a long ass time ago....
Like I posted earlier, some searching may be in order, and a little intellectual honesty with yourself may be the order of the day as well.
I'm about your age, and I think we get to a point in our lives where we start to see the world around us a little more clearly... we also start to see ourselves a bit more clearly as well....
Best of luck to you.
Yes 1999 is when I met my husband. (And as I have admitted here before, I cheated on him.) We spikt in 2005 and my string of quickly relationships started up after 2 years. I've never thought about any of this before now so I don't know what to make of it.
Other hallmarks of my supposed personality type is that I live in the here and now with no interest in the future. Also seems accurate.
I've thought about this too. Many of you know that I just got out of a relationship in January. I'm a big thinker, so the fact that I've had a terrible time with dating, does make me think that I could have made a mistake by ending that relationship. Her and I talked about it this week, and I apologized for running out on her. There's been two relationships that I ran out on and I've regretted running ever since. I've noticed that what I would consider women who were a bad fit for me, were the women that I always seemed to chase after. The ones who would be really good for me and we would make a pretty darn good couple, I'm running away from.
For me, it falls back to the two long standing FWBs that I have had. Also, the amount of partners I've had has greatly effected on how I perceive and approach long-term dating. I never had to share my emotions, since all I was doing was sleeping with them. The moment they would get emotional with me, I would remind them that they agreed to just sex. By doing this, I've sadly walled off my emotions when they are needed in a long-term relationship. Now, I'm trying to open up emotionally more, even if it does mean I end up a little hurt and left vulnerable. Do I want a long-term relationship? You bet! What I decided to do was put a note in my phone that I read every morning. All it says is the next time I'm in a relationship that seems to be going well, don't run, and remain focused. I think too much about what I'm giving up by being with one person then sitting back and APPRECIATING what I have.
I think some of us who are commitment phobes, just don't spend enough time giving someone a try. If it doesn't feel just 100% right, we don't want to commit to them. In all reality, you can make a 100% right feeling by spending time with multiple people; however, I always tend to lack that love that one person can offer you.
It seems that there are lots of men who don't want commitment, so I would think that a woman who wanted a flexible relationship could easily find a guy to agree to it. But, since you have thought up until now that you wanted a LTR, maybe you do. Maybe your lack of post-breakup sadness is self-protective and does not reflect a desire to be unattached.
I have known women who don't want to be in committed relationships, but they mostly don't date. When I started dating, I initially thought commitment wasn't terribly important to me but found, to my surprise, that I became emotionally attached and vulnerable quickly. I have made more sacrifices for relationship security and stability than I ever imagined I would. So, I have little observational or personal experience with women not wanting commitment but wanting to date.
Hmmmm, good point! Another thing for me to consider.
Isn't only shagging your bf a form of commitment? I have a difficult time being sexually faithful. For instance, I had a bit of an oral adventure while out of town recently, despite having a bf. It didn't seem like cheating to me. But he would have disagreed. No matter since we broke up right after that.
I've been down that road too. Hook up with other people, while you're committed, because you want to cease the opportunity. That's likely why you're single, since it's easier to cease the opportunity than say no. Sometimes it's not as easy as black and white, where you can think that well I slept with this person, so maybe I shouldn't be with my current SO. Our SO doesn't cause us to make that decision, it's us. We choose to make that decision because we are broken and we need fixing. You and I are also two people that are pretty highly opinionated on this forum and we both seem to be fairly successful in our personal lives.
We take solace in being successful with our careers, but we don't have that same determination for our relationships. I have the ability to be a great boyfriend, but from now on, I need to do things that are deemed cute and romantic, where before they would make me feel like I'm less of a man. My problem was that I felt I was a weaker person by showing emotion. What I discovered is that I'm a weaker person by not showing emotion.
I don't have a hard time being faithful, but I am a runner. When something scares me, I run. When something gets too serious, I run. When I feel like I want to, I run. Commitment is not my strong suit.
I've gotten better as I've gotten older and I am currently in a relationship, but it's a constant battle for me to not get spooked. He knows my issues and we work together on it.
Good posts weezer, too long for me to quote as I am using my phone.
Question, aren't you black and not of a stereotypical sort? (I can't think of a better way to put that. I hope you know what I mean.) If i dont have you confused with someine else, do you think that has affects you in terms of relationships?
I hae never heard of this test but will check it out.
There may be several factors to why some women are commitment phobes. I am one myself and I am married. I have been married for 5 years now, actually we had a reason to get married which I always said was the only way i would do it. We have a running joke my husband and i he always asks me "How much longer will we be married" cuz i never see any relationship, even marriage, as long term. I don't think there is a way out of this mind set is just the way I am. I do not envision myself with anyone for the long term. Before I got married I would start a relationship hard but after a month or so I would wonder when we were gonna break up. I can say it was awful to feel this way I just didn't know what was wrong with me.
Some people tell me people like me just haven't met the right guy. Idk if this is true it can seem a little so.
What I've told most people in that they should not fool themselves.
If that test has any credibility as such should be taken so very seriously.
About 11 years ago I told this woman that was going to get married not to fool herself as she was just using him as a stopgap - she listened and I still get the "thank you" from her since that point in time.
We can be happy and there's many methods of achieving that while being honest with ourselves and others.
Some people are a harder "fit" for relationships I guess. While others might just expect more and don't bother with less (being alone is preferable to that).
Yes 1999 is when I met my husband. (And as I have admitted here before, I cheated on him.) We spikt in 2005 and my string of quickly relationships started up after 2 years. I've never thought about any of this before now so I don't know what to make of it.
Other hallmarks of my supposed personality type is that I live in the here and now with no interest in the future. Also seems accurate.
Hey Onglet,
SPs, stereotypically, are very much the type to live in the moment as you said. It's not that they don't love and care about their mates or even that they're commitment-phobic per se, it's that they focus more on having fun in the moment. Forever can seem too long with just one person. When young, they can at times lack foresight. They need to be entertained and so in those moments when the relationship seems lackluster, they can easily lose their focus. Since you're an Introvert though, that breaking point can come a bit later for you than the extravert type. Fortunately, even though the ISTP type is rare for females, the SP type in general isn't all that rare in the population and so you aren't alone by a long stretch! SPs and SJs generally dominate the population so you tend to see two extremes: people who are for tradition and people who are very non-commital. I can go on and on about how they're sensual and love things that appeal to the 5 senses, etc. But not on topic...
I've met quite a few SPs who have gone on to have really good relationships, but usually this is later in life (some have become a bit more settled in their 50s) and their mate is usually someone who is stable, but who is accepting and engages their partner's fondness for newness and more immediate gratification,change, and variety.
One of the movies I think of when I think of the SP mentality is Fast and Furious. It's here, it's now, it's in the moment, it's a rush! But they do love. It just has to be seemingly a little bit more exhilarating than say an SJ type who stereotypically are big on tradition and stability.
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