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She claims to have used twice in the the last 10 years. I'm not sure I'd characterize occasional use (e.g., twice in a decade) as a coke addict. But, I'm absolutely naive because I've never done a drug in my life. I do think it was a mistake and she has opened up to me. She also also opened up that in college she would do it at most one time per month. She also said that she dumped an ex-boyfriend because he was using. She rarely drinks, is a devoted mom, and we otherwise get along very, very well. We communicate about everything else. She said that the reason she did not tell me was because she know I would be judgmental and harsh--she indicated that this is about the only thing she knew I'd be judgmental about so she said she wanted to avoid upsetting me and dealing with the judgment. My biggest point is that I'm shocked and feel a sense of betrayal.
I like the idea about going to counseling, but I'm not sure why folks are saying she's an addict from what I've indicated above?
She's a few years younger than I am. That means she came of age in the 80s, probably a freshman when I was a senior. Cocaine was everywhere in the 80s. I never used it--with my luck I would be the 1 in 200,000 who drops dead of a heart attack the first time they try it--but at my school, it was all over the place, almost as common and accessible as pot.
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Originally Posted by Scottay
I tend to agree with your wife. If you've never done drugs, how can you possibly have any perspective on the issue. I'm not saying that doing coke is healthy because it obviously is not. But there is a major difference between rubbing some on your gums once every 5 years and snorting a line as soon as you wake each morning.
I did a few hard drugs early on in life as did many people I know. We now all have families, college degrees and good, decent paying jobs.
Some of the people I went to school with are lucky I'm not the type to write a memoir naming names, because I could scandalize more than a few attorneys, physicians (including one hospital chief of staff), media people, financial professionals, and politicians for all the blow they did and weed they smoked back then.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedAnswer123
I too find it concerning that the admission was beating her sister to the punch
Thanks
Because she'd rather it come from her, than from the mouth of her sister, who is an addict and actively using. Addicts who are actively using are notorious for lying. Heaven only knows what someone facing an intervention will say and do to divert attention from themselves and their addictions.
She's a few years younger than I am. That means she came of age in the 80s, probably a freshman when I was a senior. Cocaine was everywhere in the 80s. I never used it--with my luck I would be the 1 in 200,000 who drops dead of a heart attack the first time they try it--but at my school, it was all over the place, almost as common and accessible as pot.
Some of the people I went to school with are lucky I'm not the type to write a memoir naming names, because I could scandalize more than a few attorneys, physicians (including one hospital chief of staff), media people, financial professionals, and politicians for all the blow they did and weed they smoked back then.
I'm also a child of the 80's/90's. I remember going to parties with piles of it on tables. One party in Miami - holy sh*t. I could also scandalize a few elected Chicago politicians, businessmen and especially those in finance/trading.... Another problem is this drug can be highly addictive and if she has access to a lot of it (e.g. at the sister's house) she may make the wrong decision to do more when "coming down" and an overdose situation can happen... The OP needs to be communicative, but also a bit watchful with this.
I'm also a child of the 80's/90's. I remember going to parties with piles of it on tables. One party in Miami - holy sh*t. I could also scandalize a few elected Chicago politicians, businessmen and especially those in finance/trading.... Another problem is this drug can be highly addictive and if she has access to a lot of it (e.g. at the sister's house) she may make the wrong decision to do more when "coming down" and an overdose situation can happen... The OP needs to be communicative, but also a bit watchful with this.
Yep. Miami Vice and Wall Street were hits for a reason.
Well....The sister lives on the west coast, so visits have been infrequent. We lived out there for about three years but then moved to the east coast. That is the good news because the sister does have a tremendous influence on her.
It has only been a week and if I take her for her word, then it was an infrequent mistake. But, I wonder whether she's minimizing use. She did require transplant of tissue for her lower gums, but she said the dentist felt it was from eating too many apples. She's in good shape and generally watches what she eats and does eat an apple or two a day, biting into it with vigor.
It will take me some time, but I would have loved to have had some sort of acknowledgement of my perspective, not a minimization of it that I'm naive and it was not that big of a deal to match my upset. I do feel betrayed but from what others are saying maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know.
But, the posts herein are very helpful (lighten up a bit; move on but be cautious; set up a plan for when getting together with her sister; watch how I respond because it could impact future disclosure).
Im sorry buy you need to lighten up. She has tried cocaine twice in 10 years??? She is hardly a drug addict. Hey, i had a glass of whisky yesterday, does that mean im an alcoholic? Cause last time i checked i drink less than once a month!
You need to relax about this. This doesnt mean anything, dont strees about stupid things like this, life already haves some serious kicks in store for all of us to be stressing for such unimportant things.
So she admits to rubbing coke on her teeth, which we all know causes gum disease. And she had tissue damage to her gums?? This isn't looking good.
It makes me wonder, but all other aspects of her teeth and gums are near perfect.
In the end, I need to stop obsessing, but it is fresh.
I do suspect she did it only when she was with her sister which has been about 10 times over the past ten years. But, it may not have been every time. Time for me to move on, but still be cautious, I suppose. Still shocking to me.
The gum thing is weird - could be an indicator of drug use or just bad brushing. Does she leave you for long periods of time where you do not have contact with her? You would likely notice if she is on coke in your presence, it is hard to conceal the agitation from a spouse.
It is good that her sister lives so far away. I would recommend that you go with her as a couple when she visits in the future. That would limit the opportunity to give in to temptation.
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