Advice needed about kids in bad situation (wife, how to, women)
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I just got off the phone with my dad who is in a crisis with his wife. She's apparently been having problems for a while and after finding out that she cheated they've been arguing a lot. When she gets angry she attacks him. Tonight she's bit him, scratched him, tried to strangle him, threw a chair at him, threatened to hit him with the car and is screaming and crying. My dad is just taking it. If it was just him I'd just leave them but there is a 2-year old and a 5-year old in the house and they are seeing all this. She attacked my dad earlier when he was holding the baby.
She cut the phone call off when I was talking to my dad a few minutes ago. This woman needs help and is clearly very unstable. She was taken to a psych ward for one night two years ago and it seemed to make things worse but I really think she needs to go back. I told my dad to call the cops to get them to take her to the hospital but he's afraid that it will make things worse and that social services will get involved over the kids. But they can't have it like this. What do you guys think, should I call the cops?
(My dad lives in Europe so I'm not in the area to help.)
I have to wonder why a father would call his daughter in another country and tell her that he is under attack by a psychotic woman who is also putting children in danger and he's doing nothing about it. What value is there in doing that other than to absolutely freak out and terrify the daughter who is helpless in another country?
You CAN help. You can get off this forum and do some online research to find the police district they are in. You can find the phone number of the police captain. You can call him / her and tell him / her everything you have just laid out for us. Let them know that you have real fear for your father and siblings. Give the police the address.
Just because you live in a different country does not mean you can't help.
Best thing is to call police to check on them. She could do something dangerous while he's sleeping.
If he keeps the kids around her social services should get involved! Sometimes the spouse loses the ability to see the situation for what it is. Encourage him to leave with the children.
I just got off the phone with my dad who is in a crisis with his wife. She's apparently been having problems for a while and after finding out that she cheated they've been arguing a lot. When she gets angry she attacks him. Tonight she's bit him, scratched him, tried to strangle him, threw a chair at him, threatened to hit him with the car and is screaming and crying. My dad is just taking it. If it was just him I'd just leave them but there is a 2-year old and a 5-year old in the house and they are seeing all this. She attacked my dad earlier when he was holding the baby.
She cut the phone call off when I was talking to my dad a few minutes ago. This woman needs help and is clearly very unstable. She was taken to a psych ward for one night two years ago and it seemed to make things worse but I really think she needs to go back. I told my dad to call the cops to get them to take her to the hospital but he's afraid that it will make things worse and that social services will get involved over the kids. But they can't have it like this. What do you guys think, should I call the cops?
(My dad lives in Europe so I'm not in the area to help.)
It is too bad they are not in the US because there are laws and rules here that might protect your father and his children that they may not have in Europe. He can't let the kids be exposed to this, not only is it unsafe, it has got to be very confusing and frightening to them. I still think though that he need to call the police. He should tell them about when she was sent to the hospital before and they only kept her 1 day and it only made things worse. Maybe then they may keep her longer and get her some help.
Liz- if you don't get involved and something happens to your father and/or the kids think how guilty you will feel. I think your father is reaching out to you for help but just doesn't know how to ask for it.
Abuse is abuse no matter who is doing it. We have all heard stories about how difficult it is for women to leave an abusive relationship. Everybody says "Why didn't she just leave?" So this is the same except reverse the sex of the abuser. Try to find him some help. I'm sure domestic abuse is not only an American problem. Is there anybody-doctor (hers, his or even a pediatrician), relative, pastor, boss, neighbor- anybody who could help over where they are? Even if the answer is no you still need to get the authorities involved.
Oh, I definitely plan to get involved to do what I can to protect my little brothers. What I meant about not being able to help was that I can't help physically. I can't go there and get the kids or try to mediate. It is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Calling the police and getting other authorities involved of course seems like the obvious thing to do but in reality it brings on a whole host of problems of their own and isn't always helpful. My dad, for some odd reason, has a thing for unstable, violent women and my mother was very much like his current wife, both to him and us, and as a result we had a number of visits from the police when I was a child. It just made a scary situation worse and wasn't helpful. If often just stepped things up before it calmed down and there was never any long term change. So what's the point? I want to call the police if it will help but I'm not so sure that that's what it would do. Of course something has to change quickly and getting the authorities involved may be an option in the near future. Tonight my dad asked me not to call the police and for now I'll respect that.
Adding to the problem here is my dad's stubbornness and refusal to take the actions he needs to take. I was trying to get him to understand that because his wife is not well and unable to be reasonable he has to be the bigger person and not argue about principles for the sake of his kids. I understand that he's upset about the infidelity but if talking about it leads to this he is going to have to not talk about it for now. But he says that he has a right to speak up and don't have to take her crap. Of course that's true but there are two small children involved so he's just going to have to take her crap for their sake for now. He refuses to relent to that though and imo that makes him just as must responsible for their suffering as his wife. How the heck do I get him to stop being so damn stubborn and understand that the boys come first regardless of his suffering? In my opinion it was his parental responsibility to take those kids and leave a long time ago when all this started (I had no idea this violence was going on until today). I'm just so frustrated and so sad and worried for these little boys.
They are apparently going to split up now, according to my dad. But I think there will be a lot of hell to go through before all this is settled and until his wife gets help for her obvious mental illness these kids will have a rough life because she will always be their mother. How the heck a 50+ year old man can get himself into a situation like this a second time is beyond me. I don't see a solution and it sucks.
He needs to call the police or you do. If they are splitting up they will get into a custody battle and your father needs things like this to be on record to better his chances of keeping the kids.
Do what you must do to protect those children! The five year old must be terrified, and the two year old is likelly to be very confused and scared. if protective services steps in, so what?? Losing custody of the children is better than having their well-being and perhaps even their lives threatened.
Does your father's wife have any responsible family members who could step in to assist? Does your father have any other relatives geographically closer to him? If not, then the authorities are going to have to do what family members might be able to do under other circumstances. No matter who intervenes, the safety of those two little boys needs to come first.
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