How many dates until you know you want to date long term?

[NilaJones]

Originally Posted by dogluvr2013

Yikes! Thank you for posting this. I have never been abused and really had no idea. I was beginning to think his "intensity" was strange and that he was rushing things a bit though.

Intensity and rushing things are also on the standard list of red flags for future abusive behaviour.

I have counseled men who admit to being abusive in relationships, who seem to honestly believe that by responding politely to boundary-pushing moves like this, instead of dumping him, a woman has agreed to any and all abusive behaviour in the future. They see it as a form of obtaining consent, and see themselves as honorable for doing so.

The woman, of course, has no idea that he considers her to have signed her life away.

[NilaJones]

Originally Posted by nearnorth

Not at all distressing, but quite curious and fascinating, so I'm trying to understand it. I was wondering where this particular culture exists because I've dated across most races, geographic regions, religions, political beliefs, socioeconomic statuses (except perhaps the most extraordinarily rich and poor), etc., in the U.S. The only thing left I could chalk it up to would be age, but like I said it appears to have been the norm in my parents' generation, too, so I'm still left trying to figure it out. I'm a social scientist, so this is what I do. Don't mind me Thanks for your attempts to help me understand (in the other thread), though.

Hmm.... I don't think I have dated as widely as you. I am in my mid-40s now, and this pattern has held true since I started dating as a teenager. I have had relationships with 3 guys from non-western countries, 4 from the east coast of the US, and one from Los Angeles. Nobody from the midwest or southeast. Working class thru upper-middle class (as in, his parents have senators over for dinner).

My ex, when he moved to Austin in his late 30s, said that people there do the dating-around thing. He had previously lived up and down the west coast, and not encountered it.

Everyone I have dated has been extremely liberal, politically. Varied religious and ethnic backgrounds.

I'm guessing the liberalism may have to do with it.

I thought 'going steady', in the 50s, meant 'engaged to be engaged'. I thought dating more than one or two people IN SEQUENCE before marriage made a girl a sl*t. My parents' generation were hippies, so that's a whole 'nother story .

[nearnorth]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

My ex, when he moved to Austin in his late 30s, said that people there do the dating-around thing.

That's one of the places I've done a significant amount of dating.

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I'm guessing the liberalism may have to do with it.

So you think liberal people are less likely to date around? Hmm. Stereotypically it would be the opposite. Nearly everyone I've dated in Austin, Chicago, Colorado, New England, New York, and college towns throughout the U.S. has been very liberal (graduate educated, employed in the arts, academia, or creative-class type of fields, and wouldn't dream of voting Republican), and has followed the same assumption as people in my conservative hometown, which is that dating is dating, and a relationship is a relationship. I've only dated three or four Californians, so I guess I don't have a statistically significant sample from there, but they followed the same norm, and I can't imagine that Californians of all people would be more "traditional" on average than folks in Mid-America.

Originally Posted by NilaJones

I thought 'going steady', in the 50s, meant 'engaged to be engaged'. .

Perhaps, but along with that it meant, "We're an item now. We are seeing each other steadily, and no longer seeing anyone else."

[highlife2]

its always been the 3rd date for me.

[NilaJones]

@nearnorth:

It may be as simple as people with similar values finding each other based on subtle nonverbal cues.

I know conservative people have a stereotype about liberal people, that they sleep around indiscriminately, but I have seen no evidence of that. (Have you? It is your field, not mine .

On the contrary, my experience is that subcultures that highly value equality between men and women are also more likely to highly value selectiveness.

The polyamory subculture, for example -- it is basically the opposite of what men imagine . It's not a smorgasboard of sex. Rather, people tend to have 2 or 3 relationships, each of many years' (or decades) duration. Community leaders tend to be female more often than male. Dating often goes on for months before becoming sexual. Provision is often made for support, health insurance, child visitation, etc. of partners who are not legally married after they break up.

It's a wild-assed guess, but I am wondering if my choice of monogamous, yet very feminist, partners explains part of the discrepancy between my experience and yours. Or do you select for strong feminists, too?

[kittycait]

I believe you feel something right away and as you get to know the person, that feeling only grows.