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He sounds like he is behaving like he is depressed, not lazy. Depression can be very debilitating, and if left unchecked can settle in for the long term.
You make some good points. Apathy is bad. Lying worse.
Yet, it also sounds like you are unsympathetic to a situation which is, for your bf, a very difficult challenge he is struggling through.
If you feel you need to "disatance" yourself, then end the relationship. There is no long kiss goodnight plan that is going to ever be good. Either you want to be helpful and supportive to him and commit to trying to see it through, or you don't.
If not, break up with him and do both of yourselves a favor by not dragging it out.
I am unsympathetic due to this happening several times throughout our relationship, every time he loses a job he does not care to look for another one. After my unemployment ended last year, my parents were financially supportive all the way til present while I looked for jobs and had no limits to what I applied to he on the other hand just sat there and did nothing. I am tired of applying to jobs for him and watching a grown man sit and be comfortable and contribute nothing while others take up the slack.
I think you need to decide how much this bugs you. Obviously lazy and unbothered by mooching are not great qualities. What you see is what you're going to get--clearly no matter what promises you get, this is not going to change. On the other hand, you're right to consider that at 40, the other prospects may be slim pickings. If he's otherwise a great partner, maybe you help him out in this one area, which surely he does for you in others, right?
I am 36, he is 40. I take the lead in everything, he wont apply to a job or do anything unless I express an interest first. I just don't like the lying about "I've been looking for jobs all day long" when I know the truth. I have just reached the point that I am tired of holding his hand for everything, that is not the definition of a partner.
I see this differently. Maybe a job search is overwhelming for him, and he really has no clue how to even begin such an overwhelming task. He needs support, guidance, and help.
But, I agree, he does not need you. Because you are so perfect.
Wow, I never said I am perfect. I have been supportive to him throughout the entire relationship. He is 40 not 4. How can something be overwhelming when a person hasn't taken a step to try it in the first place. Maybe doing everything short of wiping your SO *** makes you feel as though your relationship is complete but I beg to differ. I have always helped and even applied for jobs for him while he sits and plays games on his phone or goes to sleep. But you are entitled to your opinion and thanks for your input.
Just one more reason NOT to live together before you tie the knot.
So if we were to be married do you think marriage would change his level of motivation and desire toward self-sufficiency? Or would I be stuck taking the lead in everything as I am now, except legally?
He sounds like he is behaving like he is depressed, not lazy. Depression can be very debilitating, and if left unchecked can settle in for the long term.
He is not depressed, he jokes and laughs, very animated about tv and other topics, its just when its time to apply for jobs he'd rather play Clash of Clans and lie to me about how much he has done.
I can't blame you. That would frustrate me to no end, and twice over if I were in no position to support two people.
I do see where his behavior may stem from depression, but honestly? That's no excuse. He is relying on you to be his safety net. If you weren't there, he would have no choice, or he'd end up homeless. At the risk of sounding cold, I'll say that plenty of people with clinical depression manage to find, and keep, jobs. The prospect of living in a car tends to do that to people, depression or no.
Which is why I disagree with those who say he should be the one to move out. You can give him his "walking papers" all you like, but if the man can't find his way to a career counselor and manage to do his own networking (job sites are a very poor method of finding a job, BTW), I don't see how you can expect him to find the motivation to look for a place, pack, and move out, never mind scrape the money together to do so.
FWIW, I went through something similar with my ex. It wasn't until I told him that I had asked the landlord to let us out of the lease early and I was leaving, myself, that he got his butt in gear, and even then, he waited until two days before his move to see about getting a truck. He ended up making a million trips with a friend in a car, and trashing his desk entirely. (I paid for all the other furniture, so we agreed that it was mine.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by scorpioqueen
That's the hard part, starting over, getting back into that "scene" and weeding out losers, its a headache that I am not looking forward to. Not to mention the crying and begging from him.
One step at a time. First, get through your probationary period at your job, and save up the money to move out. Just finding a place will take time.
As for his crying and begging, oh, please! The man is 40 years old. Remind him of that, and when he starts his unseemly blubbering, walk away. Go into another room and close the door, put on headphones, leave and go for a walk, get in your car and drive, whatever you need to do. It's nothing but crocodile tears at this point: He's losing his meal ticket and he's ticked about it. That's just TFB. (Too effin' bad.) Steel yourself, because this really is a matter of your own survival.
For all of you who are attacking me and accusing me of thinking I am perfect, today is my off day, and I am sitting less than 5 ft from him and he is watching a movie and getting his plays together for NCAA football for playstation. I do not see a depressed man, I see someone who is/was comfortable allowing my parents to help out with bills and will only show interest in jobs that I apply to for him. I have decided this time around that I am not doing it. When I did apply for him and they would call he would schedule and interview but when the day came he would hit snooze on the alarm and turn over.
I can't blame you. That would frustrate me to no end, and twice over if I were in no position to support two people.
I do see where his behavior may stem from depression, but honestly? That's no excuse. He is relying on you to be his safety net. If you weren't there, he would have no choice, or he'd end up homeless. At the risk of sounding cold, I'll say that plenty of people with clinical depression manage to find, and keep, jobs. The prospect of living in a car tends to do that to people, depression or no.
Which is why I disagree with those who say he should be the one to move out. You can give him his "walking papers" all you like, but if the man can't find his way to a career counselor and manage to do his own networking (job sites are a very poor method of finding a job, BTW), I don't see how you can expect him to find the motivation to look for a place, pack, and move out, never mind scrape the money together to do so.
FWIW, I went through something similar with my ex. It wasn't until I told him that I had asked the landlord to let us out of the lease early and I was leaving myself that he got his butt in gear, and even then, he waited until two days before his move to see about getting a truck. He ended up making a million trips with a friend in a car, and trashing his desk entirely. (I paid for all the other furniture, so we agreed that it was mine.)
As for his crying and begging, oh, please! The man is 40 years old. Remind him of that, and when he starts his unseemly blubbering, walk away. Go into another room and close the door, put on headphones, leave and go for a walk, get in your car and drive, whatever you need to do. It's nothing but crocodile tears at this point: He's losing his meal ticket and he's ticked about it. That's just TFB. (Too effin' bad.) Steel yourself, because this really is a matter of your survival.
One step at a time. First, get through your probationary period at your job, and save up the money to move out. Just finding a place will take time.
I appreciate that you understand what I am trying to convey and know this isn't the first time I have been at this rodeo with this situation. When he lost his job this time around, no sense of urgency crept up to say, "Damn I'm unemployed let me hurry up and start putting in some applications, rent will be due soon." He just sat there and passed the time not putting in one application, why? Because he knew my dad would send the money for the rent and other bills.
I am doing my best to ensure I get through my probationary period, we discussed marriage but I do not want to be legally obligated to support a man who refuses to support himself, he waits for jobs to fall in his lap. In the meantime he sits on the phone with his former co-workers (who are still employed btw) complaining about how stupid the job is and how stupid they were to let him go.
He never has a worried reaction because he knows I will come through for him. All the furniture is mine when he first moved in with me 6 yrs ago he only came with his clothes. I honestly believe that he wants to go and live with his mother (but she has a 1 bedroom), they are very close and she is always telling him how she misses their closeness and how she feels he is so distant from her?! She lives an hour away and he has never expressed wanting to go see her.
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