how long should I wait

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by uberfrus

I do really like him. Guess I wonder how much extraction from family is really going on. His kids are young teens and there's always something. Am I gonna be waiting 5 years before he is really extracted. And am I gonna always feel like I'm on the outside? Will his wife and kids always hate me for being the one he cheated with? My dream is that they will except me one day as his partner and a family member. Here's hoping.

With all kindness intended, I think you need a wake-up call. You are looking at this solely from your own perspective. You, a middle-aged adult who is the only one in this situation with the choice to be there. You have almost nothing invested and very little, if anything, to lose. His wife and kids are victims of this situation. They had NO choice.

Look at it for a second from his kids' perspective. They are having to deal with the fact that their parents are possibly divorcing, their father is suddenly gone from the house AND they find out he's been living a lie all these years. He's gay and they can probably see the upset in their mother's eyes over that too. Their world has been turned upside down and he's the clear "bad guy" in the possible divorce, in their eyes. And he undoubtedly knows it too. Sounds like this guy is doing the absolute right thing in trying to be there for the kids he chose to create in whatever way is best for them right now. That includes spending every weekend with them. That includes vacations with them. That includes making a healthy relationship with their mother a priority, rather than taking actions that will further hurt her. Of course they don't want to meet you. They have a harder time being angry at him because he's their dad and the emotions get muddled when you love someone but are very angry at them. They have no such fondness for you. You are little different in their eyes than if he had an affair with another woman. They may not be old enough to understand why some gay men don't feel ready to come out, and get married, or whatever happened in this man's case. They do understand their mother being hurt, their dad being someone they thought he wasn't, their parents splitting up, and you being part of it. Don't expect much.

Now look at it from his wife's perspective. She's devoted her life to this man, planned her future with him, had a houseful of children with him, been closer to him than any other person for what, 20 years most likely? Then she finds out she was lied to, that this future won't exist, that her children are hurting, that they'll possibly be getting divorced. She'll be the one dealing with hurting, angry, destroyed children, not you. And there you are as the one he cheated with, waving on the sidelines like you're expecting to be welcomed as a friend with open arms.

Blunt truth: this guy's life is still in chaos. He chose to make this family and now they have to be his first priority. If you can't handle that, you need to find someone who isn't so encumbered. And please stop acting like the victim in all of this. You knew the guy was married and you still chose to get involved rather than saying, "You seem great. Call me if/when you're free one day." You can't choose to start a relationship off that way, cheating with a married man, then expect a Hallmark Card situation with the family welcoming you with opening arms.