how long should I wait (women, therapy, cheating, husband)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am a middle aged gay man. I met a middle aged gay (but married) man last year. Married a long time with a big family. He came out to his wife 3 months after we met, but didn't tell her about our relationship. When she discovered it , he told me I couldn't see or contact him until he could move out of their family home (which ended up being 5 months). Fine. Once he moved out, we reconnected. I see him 2-3 times during the week. But he is never available on the weekends because he always goes home to his wife and family. They take trips and stay in hotels together. She helped him find his apartment , helped him move, and has stayed with him multiple times for multiple days. Where am I in this?. They still seem very caught up in each other and it doesn't feel right. Am I just a fool? He says that things will change this fall. That he will have more time for me. That is more than a year after I first met him. I feel like I've heard it over and over. I don't know whether to get my hopes up or not. Sometimes I think I just need to be patient. Other times I think I'm shooting myself in the foot. I wonder if it was wrong all along to get involved with a man who is married, even though he said he and his wife were separating. Advice here?
Cut your losses and move on.
This relationship was a terrible decision on your part.
I am a middle aged gay man. I met a middle aged gay (but married) man last year. Married a long time with a big family. He came out to his wife 3 months after we met, but didn't tell her about our relationship. When she discovered it , he told me I couldn't see or contact him until he could move out of their family home (which ended up being 5 months). Fine. Once he moved out, we reconnected. I see him 2-3 times during the week. But he is never available on the weekends because he always goes home to his wife and family. They take trips and stay in hotels together. She helped him find his apartment , helped him move, and has stayed with him multiple times for multiple days. Where am I in this?. They still seem very caught up in each other and it doesn't feel right. Am I just a fool? He says that things will change this fall. That he will have more time for me. That is more than a year after I first met him. I feel like I've heard it over and over. I don't know whether to get my hopes up or not. Sometimes I think I just need to be patient. Other times I think I'm shooting myself in the foot. I wonder if it was wrong all along to get involved with a man who is married, even though he said he and his wife were separating. Advice here?
I think that this man has a huge emotional connection with his wife. They have a relationship. It's non-sexual maybe (if he thinks he is gay), but they do have a relationship, and they always will. You have to be ready to be a threesome (in an emotional sense). If you are ok with that, then you can wait. If not, you should move on.
Thanks for the advice. As far as I know, there is no divorce in process. They aren't even talking about it. They aren't even legally separated. Maybe that should tell me something. But every time he tells me he loves me I think I should hold on longer.
You're chasing a dream. If you can be happy with being #2 in this man's lovelife, then maybe you can find acceptance in the current status of your relationship. But, I doubt it. He's never going to leave her. I would encourage you to cut your losses and move on if your heart wants a long term, monogamous relationship.
Thanks for the advice. As far as I know, there is no divorce in process. They aren't even talking about it. They aren't even legally separated. Maybe that should tell me something. But every time he tells me he loves me I think I should hold on longer.
What is your definition of love? This man does not love you, this man does not love his wife. This man has absolutely no honor or loyalty. Yes, it seems like he has a lot to lose if he divorce his wife. He perhaps is telling the exact same thing to his wife. "Honey, I love you too. I am going through a phase."
Do you really respect this guy? He cannot be the last gay man on earth for you to date. Find yourself a hot gay man and get over him already.
Thanks for the advice. As far as I know, there is no divorce in process. They aren't even talking about it. They aren't even legally separated. Maybe that should tell me something. But every time he tells me he loves me I think I should hold on longer.
Make an appt with a therapist asap.
Tell them you need help understanding why you put yourself in no-win situations.
Also be willing to work on your self-esteem and some character building.
Relationship morals in gay and straight relationships abide by similar rules. This fellow was off-limits in a committed relationship and he went out seeking company. Could he have had other dalliances? His wife has accepted him insofar as they remain connected on weekends. You have no idea what deals or boundaries they have in their existing relationship. His 'outing' may have indicated he was bi. They may have an open relationship - you don't know if she swings or not or if she is allowed a dalliance. There is no way you can know what he is doing when he is not with you. You are certainly a third wheel. You feel you are being strung along. To leave now would encourage your bitterness. To stay would enable you to hold onto a dream with a man who has less and less character as time goes on. Being in love with a dream is never fulfilling. If it was meant to be, you will connect again.
Cut your losses, treasure your memories, and move on. You seem to be a sentimental man with a lot to give. You have lived a lifestyle he is just now (or maybe not) discovering. The relationship that has been created is a triangle. If you can accept this, hold on for eternity, for whenever the change may come. If you seek more than a wisp of an ideal presently, find someone else.
To me it sounds like you are seeking more than you are getting in this relationship. The question you have to ask yourself is this. Don't you think that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who can reciprocate the love that you feel?
If the answer is yes, then you are wasting valuable time here that could be better spent with a person who will love you and will commit 100% to you.
Of course walking away from it might be a little painful but you will eventually heal. The sooner you do the sooner you can begin to move on. You can do so with your head held high at least knowing that you valued yourself enough not to waste time with someone who didn't appreciate you for the good person that you are and who doesn't feel you are worth a commitment. There is someone out there who will be willing to commit to you and who will love you fully. But you wont know that until you first let this go. You don't deserve this. Good Luck!
THank you. Maybe I should wait til the divorce is final. But as far as I know, it's nowhere on the radar screen. They are not even legally separated yet. Ugghh.
I think that this man has a huge emotional connection with his wife. They have a relationship. It's non-sexual maybe (if he thinks he is gay), but they do have a relationship, and they always will. You have to be ready to be a threesome (in an emotional sense). If you are ok with that, then you can wait. If not, you should move on.
The man is probably Bi, but I would find it unusual that the wife would still sleep with her openly Bi Husband. Many people give a free pass to people who cheat because they are gay and come out of the closet. I have a cousin that fits this profile, except she ended up back with a man after leaving her husband for a woman.
Be carefull, you may just be a play thing for this guy.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
