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I've been married for 10 years, with my DH for 16. We met at Univeristy in his home town, I came here to study. We have a good marriage with 2 great kids and I'm mostly happy - except for one thing which is becoming more and more of an issue for me.
My family lives miles away from me - it costs $2000 for us to visit them each time (We're in New Zealand and they are int he North Island, so we can't drive, and $2k is a lot of money for us). So I see them 3-4 times a year.
It's just breaking my heart that I'm not there to be with my family. My mum missed out on the birth of my children, and all the time she would have spent with them. Mum has a serious disease, and I can't be there for her, my aunt has cancer and I can't be there for her, and I just feel my kids are missing out on so much family interactions. My family is really close and I'm the only one who doesn't live there.
When I married him, I didn't think it would be this hard. And I have really tried to be happy here, we have nice friends etc, it just doesn't get any easier, and I feel I'm at the point I just want to move wether he comes or not, but I don't want to do that to the kids, or him. But it feels no matter what someone is hurt - either him, or me.
He doesn't want to move at all,and I get it , he has everything he wants here, OK job and me and the kids, there is nothing for him at the new place, but I believe we could make new friends, but we can't make new family. But I just feel a huge part of my life is missing, and I know I will regret it and I know I'll never forgive myself. But I don't feel I have any choice other than to make the best of it here, because he just refuses to move. We both could get reasonable jobs closer to my family, although I may have to retrain a little, the city is nice etc.
There is nothing you can do. When I was married, I missed my family too and now we are divorced (for other reasons) and guess what? I am still in the same place due to us having kids together and I still miss my family. The best you can do is to keep trying your best to convince him to move.
Reality check:
What makes you think if you get divorced that you will be able to pack up the kids and move them away from their father? So, your choice might actually be "stay married and keep the family intact", or, "move closer to your mum and aunt, and leave your children behind with their father". You might want to check into custody laws that apply to your family before you get yourself into too much of an "I am so unhappy" state of mind. You have choices on how to view your life circumstances, and what your family priorities are.
Can your family move to be closer to you? Could your mother come to live in an apartment near you?
I understand your feelings of missing her. I do. But you made a choice to get married and a choice to have children of your own. Do you really think your mother would want YOUR children's family torn apart so that you can be closer to her? If she wanted you there badly enough, couldn't she move to be near you?
How do you think YOUR children will feel if you rip them away from their father? Do you not think this will destroy them? I just don't understand how an adult woman could consider doing such a thing to her minor children simply because she misses her own mother. You realize that you would simply be putting THEM in your place of pain and longing--in order to make things feel better for you. That's a very selfish thing to do. They would miss their father and their life where they currently live as much as you miss your mother now. How a mother could consider transferring her pain to her children to bear instead, I just can't understand.
Find a way to talk more with your mother. On the phone, on skype, through email. Ask your mother to move to you if she's willing. Arrange to take more trips. But don't do something selfish to innocent children who have no choice in the matter. THEY are the victims here, not you.
I've been married for 10 years, with my DH for 16. We met at Univeristy in his home town, I came here to study. We have a good marriage with 2 great kids and I'm mostly happy - except for one thing which is becoming more and more of an issue for me.
My family lives miles away from me - it costs $2000 for us to visit them each time (We're in New Zealand and they are int he North Island, so we can't drive, and $2k is a lot of money for us). So I see them 3-4 times a year.
Um... yes you can drive. There is a boat going from North Island to South Island, and you can bring you and your car for $500 NZD back and forth.
So problem solved, you don't need to move.
Quote:
It's just breaking my heart that I'm not there to be with my family. My mum missed out on the birth of my children, and all the time she would have spent with them. Mum has a serious disease, and I can't be there for her, my aunt has cancer and I can't be there for her, and I just feel my kids are missing out on so much family interactions. My family is really close and I'm the only one who doesn't live there.
But you do realize that by moving, your dad will experience exactly the same, and you will make your kids unhappy, because they have to leave their friends.
I understand that family means a lot to you, but if your marriage is good, it takes priority. Why doesn't your family visit you in between your visits to them, for instance? Skype is a good way to stay in touch as well.
Having lived far from my family since college and seeing them every year or so has been enough for me, but I suppose it's not as important to me. So has my wife, and she has never wanted to live nearer her family either.
Are you sure this is really about them and not something else that is bothering you, where you see your family as a safe haven versus your husband and children?
I don't see why this has to lead to divorce. There are lots of ways to work this out without breaking up a marriage.
Have you discussed this with your husband? It seems like you entered into this marriage with the assumption that you were making a commitment to stay where he was. That is not an assumption that many people make.
There has to be room for compromise...seek some creative solutions.
there are millions of wives,,who would LOVE to be more distant from family,,
Hahahaha! Funny and true.
Skype is a good idea.
Also think about people in the military who are deployed who HAVE to be away from their families for months or years and still make it work.
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