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I know and it's very surprising that I'm the only one seeing this. I love my brother so much and yet I feel so powerless now. I felt strong that one day I broke his former HS bully's nose (only time I've ever hit a guy but couldn't stand my brother getting hurt).
This is something I don't know what to do. Someone is treating him like garbage and hurting him and yet he doesn't see it. So yes, in that sense I've always been protective of him. I'm older than him by 2 years and don't stand stand anyone hurting him. What I'm seeing is he still seems naive.
If it does lead towards marriage, I guess I would have no choice but to accept her.
There is a line between healthy and unhealthy protectiveness over a family member.
I think you should direct this energy elsewhere. Do you have your own relationship to focus on?
If the rest of your family has successfully allowed this incident to pass, you need to follow their lead.
It could be that your parents feel the same as you do, but since she could be a future DIL, they hold their tongues and treat her for what she might be. As a parent, I wouldn't want to jeopardize our relationship with a son and future grandkids, should they get married. Treating her badly would certainly cause your brother to become distant from your parents.
Don't make it personal. It's not your decision to make. You may hate her, but don't you think you are making this about what happened to you? You were cheated on and it hurt. I bet it did! You chose to end the relationship. Your brother however decided not to. He knows how you feel. But don't project your feelings on to his situation. Let him figure out what is best for him. If she does it again, then go ahead and express your feelings as you see fit. Cheating is awful. I don't know how I'd deal with it. Thankfully, it's never happened to me. But I do know that it has happened to people I know. Everyone deals with things differently. Some people have the capacity to forgive for than others. Maybe your brother is willing to give the relationship another try before saying goodbye to her. It's not your place to hate her. It's your place to support your brother and be there for him no matter what. You think you are helping, but you are only going to hurt him by not being his support. You don't have to like his girlfriend. You don't have to forget what she's done to him. Try to forgive her if he has. That's the best you can do for him. If you can't forgive her, then at least be civil to her and available to him if the day comes that she does it again. Some people actually do make mistakes and learn from them. Other's repeat. It's your job to be around if it happens to him again. That's all. Calling her names and giving her the stink eye is not helping anyone.
There is a line between healthy and unhealthy protectiveness over a family member.
I know but it's hard letting go of someone that hurt your family member badly and you once in a while seeing them depressed. He does at times gets sad about it and they're still working it out. It would be easier for him to leave her and start all over again with a new girl and not have to deal with all this drama and trust issues he's putting up with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185
I think you should direct this energy elsewhere. Do you have your own relationship to focus on?
Yes, I'm in a 4 month old relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185
If the rest of your family has successfully allowed this incident to pass, you need to follow their lead.
It could be that your parents feel the same as you do, but since she could be a future DIL, they hold their tongues and treat her for what she might be.
Probably. I've not heard them talk ill about her. Come to think about it, they have never talked bad about any of my ex bfs either (not even the one I dumped for cheating).
Probably. I've not heard them talk ill about her. Come to think about it, they have never talked bad about any of my ex bfs either (not even the one I dumped for cheating).
Probably because they wanted you both to make your own choices/decisions/mistakes in life. Not choices/decisions/mistakes based on their opinions-AKA good parenting.
probably because they wanted you both to make your own choices/decisions/mistakes in life. Not choices/decisions/mistakes based on their opinions-aka good parenting.
I know but if he would listened to me, he would moved on from this pain quickly and find another girl that is worth his love. He's wasting time on someone that doesn't deserve him.
There's a lot of anger in your posts and it struck me early on, even before I read this specific post, that a lot of that anger is actually toward your brother. Is it possible you're directing anger at her that you actually feel toward him?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene89
Even if she never cheats again, I'll never forget what she did to him. It'll always be on my mind.
Then that will be a problem between you and your brother. If he makes the choice to make her his wife, then he will protect her against drama from the family if he is half a man. We don't know what goes on between a man and a woman in their private moments. It takes a strong man to forgive cheating. I'm not about to smack him around for that. But you'reshowing anger and resentment when what you really need to do is grin and bear it. It is yourbrother's choice to make. He made it, not you need to respect that and move on.
When it comes to family matters, this gets very specific because you supposedly accept someone automatically. If that someone got disqualified due to certain actions on their part that you don't accept, you have every right to cross them in your book forever, at your own discretion.
I.e., if any of my brothers got crossed by someone for the money loan, you bet that I'd avoid even talking with such person. And each time my brother wants to know it, I'd remind him of my stance why. He can do whatever he wants though, and each time he wants an advice he'd get one to cast out people who do things that harm him and think of himself. If he doesn't want to hear it, he wouldn't ask me, but I'd make sure he knows my stance when he just sees me and thinks of it - his memory would remind him without me saying a thing.
I know and it's very surprising that I'm the only one seeing this. I love my brother so much and yet I feel so powerless now. I felt strong that one day I broke his former HS bully's nose (only time I've ever hit a guy but couldn't stand my brother getting hurt).
This is something I don't know what to do. Someone is treating him like garbage and hurting him and yet he doesn't see it. So yes, in that sense I've always been protective of him. I'm older than him by 2 years and don't stand stand anyone hurting him. What I'm seeing is he still seems naive.
If it does lead towards marriage, I guess I would have no choice but to accept her.
Time to have a heart to heart talk with him....
Stuff like; "What if you had been married to her with kids? What if you found out a kid wasn't yours? You are at a cross road in this relationship."
"Trust is everything in a relationship! She severed it."
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