Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Not for nothing, but I graduated from my undergrad with about $25K in loans 15 years ago - took me a while to pay it off, but it wasn't exactly crippling debt and I wasn't trying that hard to tackle it. $35K after a master's degree is chump change, imho.
That said, you need to have a reality-based discussion with her about her career prospects. The debt wouldn't bother me, but I'd be more concerned about her lack of interest/effort in supporting herself if I were you. I understand about auto-immune diseases and whatnot, but her attitude seems very picky and entitled. When I ran into financial trouble after the end of a relationship, I was working a full-time job and five sidelines to support myself - I realize that it wouldn't be a viable option for her, but ... Why hasn't she at least tried to get a retail job or something? Why is it so hard to find a teaching position? What is she actively doing in terms of footwork to find some stream of income, even if it's not an education-related position?
First, the practical side answer.
She can defer her loans for a set time frame: Deferment and Forbearance | Federal Student Aid
Assuming she has that type of loan. If she took a general loan out from a bank, most likely that won't work.
Second, some questions.
Have you been paying all the expenses? Do you support her completely? If not, how has she been supporting herself? If she's been using her school money to buy food, clothes, etc, that's an issue too.
Lastly, the other side.
As everyone has mentioned, there is more going on than "she's in debt". You take a job that can pay for your loans. Especially in this economy. You do not expect someone to pay for your debt that you created, nor do you expect them to support you while you're being choosy about jobs, all the while, you have a debt to pay for.
I think you need to really take a good hard look at the person she truly is. It's one thing to be supportive when someone is out of work. It's another thing to be taken advantage of because they aren't stepping up to the plate. It's not about her not working, it's about her character.
Let's put it this way. My XH was out of a job for 2 years. I was fine with that. I knew it wasn't going to be easy for him to get back into the game. I also knew the types of jobs he was looking for could downright suck. We could afford it, so I allowed him to be somewhat picky. All of that, didn't bother me. What added to me divorcing him.....was him spending $1,000/month on stupid things (really? you needed that $80 pair of shorts? $100 new shoes? You really needed to buy me a $400 watch for Christmas?). It was his character. I recently found out, a year after our divorce, he maxed out all his credit cards (about $50k), because he had to buy that new Rolex that Tiger Woods has, got a new job and had to buy 10 new suits (and everything to go with it). Yeah, I'm sure that was probably over $15k worth of clothing. He's also looking for a new car ($60k), oh wait, he'll buy it used, ($40k). See the problem? So glad I got out. I didn't leave him for that one issue, but it became a big issue when I couldn't support us because he was racking up his credit card bills.
And you're not even married. So. Take a good hard look at her character. Tell her she can't be picky because she needs to support herself or at least add to the pot to pay for living expenses. She needs to pay her loans back or do something to defer them (she can go back to school PT, at a local JC, taking stupid things if she needs to). I encourage you NOT to pay them back for her. Nor to bail her out. By doing so, you're just enabling her bad habits.
As others have said, a discussion is in order before your relationship proceeds any further. Her situation is not hopeless. First, she needs to do anything to get her foot in the door. In my location, teachers might substitute for several years before they are offered a permanent position. She needs substitute at as many schools as she can. When one starts to request her, she can sweeten the pot by doing some additional volunteering at the school. Once she shows her value, the school will do their best to keep her permanently.
For her student loans, there are many programs available if the payments are a hardship. For instance, there's an unemployment deferment. There are also income based payment plans. While interest is still added to the loan, sometimes they reduce the rate.
I agree with one of the posters who said she doesn't have to get a perfect job, just one to take care of some debt. A retail job of 15, 20 hours a week to get it under control a bit. And what the other poster also said - the fact that she won't and sits and watches TV says something about her character.
You said she wouldn't re-locate, but then you said YOU couldn't - so is it her, or you?
And another poster brought up another thread about a woman wanting to risk her marriage because she can't leave mom and dad - also consider is this woman the type that will insist on never leaving hometown and mom and dad, even if it means expecting you to sacrifice what you want? Think about it.
I did a student loan deferment but beware - that can pile on the interest and she can be paying mountains more, depending on the loan requirements. I ended up just making payments anyway because it was a nightmare otherwise.
She can at least volunteer versus sitting on the couch all day. And I second the tutoring idea.
She could be doing something, at least!
I think it's good that you are considering this now. Since she's in grad school, has she been to the co-op office at her college to see if they can secure her an opening that will get her some sort of experience? It'll help her make a little money now, and maybe boost her self-esteem.
It's tough to be graduating with a degree that you know won't help you get a job due to location/experience/etc.
If her loans are government loans she CAN defer them because she's unemployed. So, that would be covered. She can also apply for IBR so that if she's working for lower pay, she can still pay her loans, but the payment is tailored to her income. That might make her feel less pressure. Still, she needs to get some sort of work to do. I suggest she try for a co-op of some kind. The one I took in grad school lead to a full-time job with the company. I've been there for over 8 years now.
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
I’m sure a few people would say to dump her and get it over with, but I can’t do that nor do I want to. It would be wrong to do it for that reason anyway – supposed I’m unemployed for a long time? I think shewould want to be there for me. This is really the only issue with the relationship and she’s a great person overall. But the fact is, without that income on her half, it makes me want to postpone getting married, kids, ahouse, etc. I think she’s personally waiting to win that “teaching lotto” that is, landing a full time position in ahigh rated district with track to tenure; but regardless, she needs steady income and needs it now no matter what it takes to get it. How can I knock some sense into her to just take whatever job she can?
Bolded: That's a pretty sad attitude for you to have. Everyone knows that grad school costs a lot of money - including you, since you are attending school as well! And frankly, 35K isn't that bad, compared to what some other grads are dealing with. Are you about to graduate debt free???
The job market is terrible right now. I haven't been able to find full time work for two years, so I work part time. But if any boyfriend of mine said he needed to "knock some sense into me" he would be the one getting dumped.
Bolded: That's a pretty sad attitude for you to have. Everyone knows that grad school costs a lot of money - including you, since you are attending school as well! And frankly, 35K isn't that bad, compared to what some other grads are dealing with. Are you about to graduate debt free???
The job market is terrible right now. I haven't been able to find full time work for two years, so I work part time. But if any boyfriend of mine said he needed to "knock some sense into me" he would be the one getting dumped.
did you miss the part where she sat around all day watching full house?
fyi: the job market has been "terrible" for years.
it hasn't stopped anyone from getting them. i can go to any work placement right now and get a full time job like "that"
its not going to be exactly what you want or the prefect match, but its going to get you by until you can land that dream job you went out and got that education for. it wont be "prefect" but its also not sitting around saying to yourself "whelp nothing looks good to me and all the job are taken might as well give it a week and try again!"
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
