To Those Men Determined Never Date a Single Mother... (boyfriends, girlfriends, too young)
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I try not to bother with single mothers. However, as I get older, I know, realistically, the chances of coming across a woman I would date who doesn't have any children is very, very slim. The dudes who cling to that way of thinking are setting themselves up for lots of disappointment later in life. Being realistic, I would date a single mother who isn't strictly looking for a replacement daddy, and one who has their crap together in life.
It's funny how I get flamed for my grammar because there's really no other point that you can attack. You cant tell me my experiences are false because you dont know me. as horrible as my grammar is, sorry to disappoint you but yes i have attracted plenty of professional quality men. then again i dont do online dating or anything that would require the person im dating to examine my grammar. Lol. The guy I'm dating now is an investment professional like myself and we have never had to examine the way we write silly forum posts.
i do believe very much what i am saying. Theres no need for self help books, at least not any i need to read to feel better about my dating life. after reading these threads i feel pretty great that i bave not had the misfortune of meeting men that think like any of you.
And im sure that nald, upndown, 14bricks, etc really believe what they say about my dating life is right too.just like i don't have to believe any of you, you all dont have to believe me, All of us are going go sleep well tonight. :-) i love forums because of the diversity of opinions and experiences. We all are going to just have to agree to disagree with this subject.
What I will say is that there are so many threads fixated on all the "things" that some of us won't tolerate whether its single moms, fat women, short men, black women, etc. and for every group of people that refuse to date certain groups, there are those groups that don't hold the same feelings. It's silly to impose the beliefs of your small circle on to the rest of us. It's pointless even. Not everyone has the same experiences and this topic has really shown me that. Had I not stepped in this forum I wouldn't have ever thought that men feel this way. And I'm sure many of you that would never imagine that there would be women like me that just don't have the struggles that you believe most single moms have. Believe it or not, not every single mom faces the same dating issues. We are individuals with separate experiences. :-)
Oh and before the grammar police attack me.
Excuse any typos this is sent from my iPhone(as are 99% of my posts).
Night everyone. :-)
Last edited by Faith2187; 10-10-2013 at 09:23 PM..
What I will say is that there are so many threads fixated on all the "things" that some of us won't tolerate whether its single moms, fat women, short men, black women, etc. and for every group of people that refuse to date certain groups, there are those groups that don't hold the same feelings.
Yeah, but for every thread about what people don't like, there are a group of posters who then immediately try to convince everyone that nobody minds it. The reason is because what is important to them is spreading a false message that there is no judgement in the world and free love! For you to say that you've never met a man that you've been attracted to that you couldn't have is, frankly, hilarious because it's so pompous AND ridiculous. Basically, your self-esteem has to be so low that you are compensating with some grandiose hallucination where men are crawling after you in throngs and begging to be with you, even though you're a single mom. The reality is that the majority of men aren't interested in single moms for marriage unless one or more of the following apply:
a) The mom is ridiculously hot.
b) They are single fathers.
c) They're getting older and are themselves being forced to lower their standards.
d) They're not getting any attention from single women.
You guys can keep saying that you have no problem attracting single men, but then I'd question who these guys are. Just use some common sense. Flip it around to women and ask them about single dads. Now, I'm sure some single dad is going to go "why, I have no problem attracting young, attractive single women." Does anyone buy that? NO. Why? Because when you women were young and single and not moms, you weren't looking at some father with a child and going "woah, he's hot!" If you say you did, then you were probably a stripper with daddy issues, no offense. Similarly, nobody here buys that 25-year-old guys are looking at single moms and going "I can't wait to marry her! I sure hope she chooses me!" Can I prove that they aren't? Nope. But nobody buys it.
Now, I'm not saying that to run down your self-esteem like "hey, you're a single mom, I hope you die alone." But let's cut the B.S. Like, I've said very openly on this forum that I'm a single guy who has no game with women because I'm shy and an introvert. When people say that women don't get all excited by shy introverts, I'm not going to go "that's a false generalization!!" DUH. Everyone knows it. Similarly, everyone knows that most guys aren't going after single moms for anything other than short-term flings at best, unless see above. You want to call that a "flame," fine with me.
Yeah, but for every thread about what people don't like, there are a group of posters who then immediately try to convince everyone that nobody minds it. The reason is because what is important to them is spreading a false message that there is no judgement in the world and free love! For you to say that you've never met a man that you've been attracted to that you couldn't have is, frankly, hilarious because it's so pompous AND ridiculous. Basically, your self-esteem has to be so low that you are compensating with some grandiose hallucination where men are crawling after you in throngs and begging to be with you, even though you're a single mom. The reality is that the majority of men aren't interested in single moms for marriage unless one or more of the following apply:
a) The mom is ridiculously hot.
b) They are single fathers.
c) They're getting older and are themselves being forced to lower their standards.
d) They're not getting any attention from single women.
You guys can keep saying that you have no problem attracting single men, but then I'd question who these guys are. Just use some common sense. Flip it around to women and ask them about single dads. Now, I'm sure some single dad is going to go "why, I have no problem attracting young, attractive single women." Does anyone buy that? NO. Why? Because when you women were young and single and not moms, you weren't looking at some father with a child and going "woah, he's hot!" If you say you did, then you were probably a stripper with daddy issues, no offense. Similarly, nobody here buys that 25-year-old guys are looking at single moms and going "I can't wait to marry her! I sure hope she chooses me!" Can I prove that they aren't? Nope. But nobody buys it.
Now, I'm not saying that to run down your self-esteem like "hey, you're a single mom, I hope you die alone." But let's cut the B.S. Like, I've said very openly on this forum that I'm a single guy who has no game with women because I'm shy and an introvert. When people say that women don't get all excited by shy introverts, I'm not going to go "that's a false generalization!!" DUH. Everyone knows it. Similarly, everyone knows that most guys aren't going after single moms for anything other than short-term flings at best, unless see above. You want to call that a "flame," fine with me.
Why is it hard to believe that I don't want for attention or that I do have plenty of men interested. I am sorry but I'm not deluded. I don't have self esteem. And I'm not making it up. What would be the point this is a silly forum i have nothing to prove. I really have not been rejected before. So I just cannot relate to what you are saying.
Maybe what you are saying does happen often. But it just has not happened to me yet.
I have not had to power standards nor have I been used for sex(being that I only will have sex after a relationship hs been established.
But I really do think we just have to agree to disagree.
Yeah, but for every thread about what people don't like, there are a group of posters who then immediately try to convince everyone that nobody minds it. The reason is because what is important to them is spreading a false message that there is no judgement in the world and free love! For you to say that you've never met a man that you've been attracted to that you couldn't have is, frankly, hilarious because it's so pompous AND ridiculous. Basically, your self-esteem has to be so low that you are compensating with some grandiose hallucination where men are crawling after you in throngs and begging to be with you, even though you're a single mom. The reality is that the majority of men aren't interested in single moms for marriage unless one or more of the following apply:
a) The mom is ridiculously hot.
b) They are single fathers.
c) They're getting older and are themselves being forced to lower their standards.
d) They're not getting any attention from single women.
You guys can keep saying that you have no problem attracting single men, but then I'd question who these guys are. Just use some common sense. Flip it around to women and ask them about single dads. Now, I'm sure some single dad is going to go "why, I have no problem attracting young, attractive single women." Does anyone buy that? NO. Why? Because when you women were young and single and not moms, you weren't looking at some father with a child and going "woah, he's hot!" If you say you did, then you were probably a stripper with daddy issues, no offense. Similarly, nobody here buys that 25-year-old guys are looking at single moms and going "I can't wait to marry her! I sure hope she chooses me!" Can I prove that they aren't? Nope. But nobody buys it.
Now, I'm not saying that to run down your self-esteem like "hey, you're a single mom, I hope you die alone." But let's cut the B.S. Like, I've said very openly on this forum that I'm a single guy who has no game with women because I'm shy and an introvert. When people say that women don't get all excited by shy introverts, I'm not going to go "that's a false generalization!!" DUH. Everyone knows it. Similarly, everyone knows that most guys aren't going after single moms for anything other than short-term flings at best, unless see above. You want to call that a "flame," fine with me.
See, in a lot of ways I agree with you. And I don't think you are at all mean or disrespectful. And you are right, most of the men that I've dated have been other divorced people--and most of those men have been dads. I think it's kind of unusual that the one I am dating now is divorced and not a dad (but to be fair to him, he wanted kids... his Ex didn't).
But the reasons you are explaining are the exact reasons I am really suspicious of any single, never been married 20-year-old that claims to want to go out with me. And I do get a lot of them. Turned them all down--well, ignored them really. Why would I pick one of them when I can date a man more my age, who is in the same stage of life as me (usually divorced with kids) or close to it?
I really think those young guys are looking for their "cougar card" OR they are male gold diggers (I do make a decent salary, own a home, etc... they are fresh out of college and probably loaded with student debt).
But my argument in all this (I think) there is a fallacy that those same young guys believe that is found in this thread. I think they (like some of the posters here) think I am *must* be despite since I am a single mom now and "no one wants to date a single mom". The thing is, I don't lack dates at all. I've dated 8 different men in the past year alone (well, it's more like 14 months now). Sure, some were one and done dates... but in the end, I am regularly dating a man now.
But for what it's worth... I think the guys out there (young ones) that are looking for a real relationship and maybe a woman to marry are looking for non-moms. After all, in their age group there are many more non-moms than single moms. It just makes sense that like would date like in that regard (just like I date like as well).
See, in a lot of ways I agree with you. And I don't think you are at all mean or disrespectful. And you are right, most of the men that I've dated have been other divorced people--and most of those men have been dads. I think it's kind of unusual that the one I am dating now is divorced and not a dad (but to be fair to him, he wanted kids... his Ex didn't).
But the reasons you are explaining are the exact reasons I am really suspicious of any single, never been married 20-year-old that claims to want to go out with me. And I do get a lot of them. Turned them all down--well, ignored them really. Why would I pick one of them when I can date a man more my age, who is in the same stage of life as me (usually divorced with kids) or close to it?
I really think those young guys are looking for their "cougar card" OR they are male gold diggers (I do make a decent salary, own a home, etc... they are fresh out of college and probably loaded with student debt).
But my argument in all this (I think) there is a fallacy that those same young guys believe that is found in this thread. I think they (like some of the posters here) think I am *must* be despite since I am a single mom now and "no one wants to date a single mom". The thing is, I don't lack dates at all. I've dated 8 different men in the past year alone (well, it's more like 14 months now). Sure, some were one and done dates... but in the end, I am regularly dating a man now.
But for what it's worth... I think the guys out there (young ones) that are looking for a real relationship and maybe a woman to marry are looking for non-moms. After all, in their age group there are many more non-moms than single moms. It just makes sense that like would date like in that regard (just like I date like as well).
Your bold section is targeted at me, since I'm a late twenties, never been married, and never had kids. For me, it's not about cougar status, but single mom's or older women in general have always been more my speed. I took a number of years off from seriously dating to get myself in a place where I could even support a relationship. I wasn't in the financial shape to stand on my own two feet.
You do bring up a good point that I've thought about dating myself. At 29, I do feel I get passed over by a lot of single mom's because I don't have kids and never beeen married. I will tell you exactly how that makes me feel too. I clearly bought into the the idea that if I have a car, place to live, job, and decent income, dating will be easier for me. What I have found out that while obtaining all those things, it's made my personal life easier, but it's made my dating life harder. Quite honestly, I'm feeling that I'm a bit intimidating to a single mom. For the same reasons that you stated, why would this single child free man want with me and my 1, 2, or 3 kids?
The problem I have with this idealogy, is just because you have children doesn't mean that you are any less of a person. If you have qualities that I'm attracted too, and you're trying to take care of yourself, we can make a relationship work. It will be a bit harder, but I don't think it will be much harder than dating someone who doesn't have kids.
Going back to kids and marriage. I made the decision to hold off on those things, because I was already near rock bottom with some decisions I had made. I put those things on hold till I could accomodate the time and energy necessary to make kids and marriage work. Now that I'm to that point, I do feel as if I'm penalized for waiting. Instead of being viewed as being put together, I feel as if I'm viewed as there's something wrong with me waiting as long as I have.
No one is going to rush me into kids and marriage. A couple years back, I was dating someone, and had to end it because she was ready to have kids and I wasn't. She quickly found someone else that was ready to have a child and she's married and happy as a clam. She was ready to take that step and I wasn't, so in my eyes it's no harm no foul.
So, coming from a guy who has no kids and has never been married, it's not about being a cougar chaser. I've always been attracted to women that were a couple years older than me. I've always felt older women had a better respect of where I was going or had been, where I felt younger women cared more about where I was at at that moment in time. Dating is hard for all of us, but it is harder for me now, than it ever was when I had no sense of direction. The only thing I can think of that has made it harder is that I come off as intimidating, even though that is not my intentions.
Your bold section is targeted at me, since I'm a late twenties, never been married, and never had kids. For me, it's not about cougar status, but single mom's or older women in general have always been more my speed. I took a number of years off from seriously dating to get myself in a place where I could even support a relationship. I wasn't in the financial shape to stand on my own two feet.
You do bring up a good point that I've thought about dating myself. At 29, I do feel I get passed over by a lot of single mom's because I don't have kids and never beeen married. I will tell you exactly how that makes me feel too. I clearly bought into the the idea that if I have a car, place to live, job, and decent income, dating will be easier for me. What I have found out that while obtaining all those things, it's made my personal life easier, but it's made my dating life harder. Quite honestly, I'm feeling that I'm a bit intimidating to a single mom. For the same reasons that you stated, why would this single child free man want with me and my 1, 2, or 3 kids?
The problem I have with this idealogy, is just because you have children doesn't mean that you are any less of a person. If you have qualities that I'm attracted too, and you're trying to take care of yourself, we can make a relationship work. It will be a bit harder, but I don't think it will be much harder than dating someone who doesn't have kids.
Going back to kids and marriage. I made the decision to hold off on those things, because I was already near rock bottom with some decisions I had made. I put those things on hold till I could accomodate the time and energy necessary to make kids and marriage work. Now that I'm to that point, I do feel as if I'm penalized for waiting. Instead of being viewed as being put together, I feel as if I'm viewed as there's something wrong with me waiting as long as I have.
No one is going to rush me into kids and marriage. A couple years back, I was dating someone, and had to end it because she was ready to have kids and I wasn't. She quickly found someone else that was ready to have a child and she's married and happy as a clam. She was ready to take that step and I wasn't, so in my eyes it's no harm no foul.
So, coming from a guy who has no kids and has never been married, it's not about being a cougar chaser. I've always been attracted to women that were a couple years older than me. I've always felt older women had a better respect of where I was going or had been, where I felt younger women cared more about where I was at at that moment in time. Dating is hard for all of us, but it is harder for me now, than it ever was when I had no sense of direction. The only thing I can think of that has made it harder is that I come off as intimidating, even though that is not my intentions.
At 29 I'm having a really hard time believing your pool is that small with no kids. I know you said 25 year olds didn't work out for you, but why? At 25 women tend to be light years more mature than early twenties....
Why is it hard to believe that I don't want for attention or that I do have plenty of men interested.
For my part, the experience I see in my life bears very little relationship to the views of the posters on this board, the uber super male contingent in particular. I am old enough to know and to have known quite a few divorced people. The fact that they have kids seems to have no bearing on their datability.
For my part, the experience I see in my life bears very little relationship to the views of the posters on this board, the uber super male contingent in particular. I am old enough to know and to have known quite a few divorced people. The fact that they have kids seems to have no bearing on their datability.
There are millions of men. The only point is that the pool has shrunken. To the point where a single parent is undatable (is that a word?)? No. But some men remove themselves from that pool. No one is saying you're destined to be alone because you have a kid. I am saying you immediately lose on *some* prospects.
At 29 I'm having a really hard time believing your pool is that small with no kids. I know you said 25 year olds didn't work out for you, but why? At 25 women tend to be light years more mature than early twenties....
It's my demographic. Where I live, a lot of women get married between the ages of 18-25. By 30, there's a lot of eligible women divorced and with a child. I'm from a town that is heavily focused on family values. I see a lot of online dating profiles where the women were actually teen moms. I see quite a bit of 21 year olds with 3-6 year old children.
My area is heavily family focused and I understand that. There's plenty of men that are willing to help make a child, but not stick around to raise it. I've even seen pregnant women, yes showing their pregnant picture online, and still out trying to date. It's just the nature of my area. Many people want that family lifestyle and are more likely to accept less to make it happen as well.
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