To Those Men Determined Never Date a Single Mother... (kid, college, social)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I really think there is a biased against single fathers. I get defensive of them because I personally know so many (two of whom have sole custody of their children) and they are great guys. But there is this bias that if a mother is divorced or otherwise single that the father is the "deadbeat" and "out of the picture" when the truth is most dads *are* involved with their kids.
So the assumption is single mother raising a child, barely getting by who is looking for a father for her child... but the opposite doesn't register since the assumption is single fathers are out of the picture. There is no stereotype for the single father who takes care of his children--especially the ones who have custody and the mother is out of the picture.
The truth is, most parents don't want some third party stepping in and raising their children. I really think it's mostly people who don't have children who have this fear. I don't think it's an unfounded fear because there *are* women out there looking for men to rescue them--but not all single moms... and I dare say not the majority. What they are thinking of is a caricature of what a single mom is (usually they think poor, uneducated, etc). They don't think professional, upper middle class, on the path to success.
I agree with you, but I wonder if it's simply a matter of terminology. Single mom may be more often perceived as a woman, never married, dad not in the picture, no child support, versus a divorced mom with an involved dad who pays support. Yes, they're both single mothers, but the two examples couldn't be more opposite.
In my personal experience, I only know of three deadbeat dads who will take the kids on occasion and don't pay, and two were from marriages, not casual hookups. And I don't see women with children struggling to find men. IRL, it seems the last thing guys are picky about if they can find the right woman to share their lives with.
Um, what? Look, a "single mom" is often thought of as "poor" and "uneducated." And, yes, that may not be the case and, no, I'm not saying single moms out there are retarded or anything. And, yes, being in the upper middle class doesn't mean you can't be a single mom. However, all of that being said, in my opinion (and that's all I can give you), if you're a single mother you're way more likely to be poor and uneducated than you are to be some professional, upper middle class, put together woman. No offense to anyone, but that's reality. All of the professional, upper middle class women I know are married. I'm not saying they're happily married -- I wouldn't know, but just statistically I'll allow that some might be unhappy -- but they generally waited longer to get married, so it's not something they jumped into, so it's not something they're jumping out of.
Oh, I am not trying to call anyone out or accuse anyone here of thinking all single moms are one way... I am just saying it's a common assumption or stereotype. The question was brought up, "why do some men say they don't want to raise other people kids" and I offered an explanation on these hypothetical men based on assumptions I run across every day.
Most single parents in this country are single parents due to divorce or separation. About 1/3 are never been married single moms. (source: Single-Parent Families - Demographic Trends - Poverty, Family, Women, and Percent - JRank Articles) . I don't know how educated these divorced parents are, but it is a fact that most single parents are not young women living in poverty with a mysterious "baby daddy" that isn't in the picture.
Although, to be fair, if you are a 20-something guy... maybe when you do run across single moms your age they "are" that 1/3 of never married, single moms.
I am just saying despite that, the popular perception is that single moms are these poor women who accidentally got pregnant. I really don't know how educated your average divorced mom is though. All I know is my social circle and we are all college educated, professionals. So my view of things is skewed.
In this thread and your others, you are getting the hostility that women get every day on CDR. Did you not notice how severe it was until it was directed at you? Or are you being disingenuous to prompt discussion?
I ask because I, too, am interested in how humans think .
No, I am not being disingenuous. I don't play games.
Yes, I definitely noticed women got a lot of hostility on CD. Entire threads are devoted to the idea that men's lives are being ruined by female domination of society (yeah, right ).
But the hostility I am getting is a little different. People either accuse me of not really believing what I say (like you just did), or they see me as a traitor. As I said, I need to learn to ignore it. CD is not a random, representative sample of the population. It is a sample in which, bitter, hostile and cynical people are vastly overrepresented.
This discussion is somewhat of a joke. Most single Mom's in this city are smoking hot.
Why? Well she had a ton of effing options in her 20s and 30s so of course she went with one of them and got married and had kids.
After divorcing fatso, she got back in shape herself and is now smoking hot again and guys of all ages and walks of life are begging her for attention....kids or no kids. And yes, that was your free reality check.
This is too PC for me. I refuse to use the term single mother if the woman is divorced or widowed.
Maybe things have changed but women with children seemed to attract the desperate men. Ones that can't find a well educated woman with a career. I knew a woman that was going to give her ex husband custody of the kid because of the type of men she attracted. 30 years ago when I would date a woman with kids it was a PITA. Never could do or go anywhere without notice. Cancel too many times because of the kids. Now it happens again with the grandchildren.
Many women out there without kids. 18% is a high enough percentage when you consider the percentage that are married or trash that you would never meet to begin with.
Because the issue have to deal with the the woman being single. These are the issue I have.
1. I want to have my own kids one day, and I want whoever I marry for us to have kids together. Not her having her own kids already.
2. Yes I don't want to raise another man's child. And people can say all they want that "oh I'm not looking for somebody to help raise my children, he has a father blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is, if you are serious with a woman and are married or living together and that child/children are living under your roof, you will be resonsible for helping to raise that child.
3. I have no interest in Baby Mama, Baby Daddy Drama.
4. I have zero tolerance dealing with a child who is resentful or hates me because I'm dating/sleeping with his mother, or because I'm the step dad.
5. Women with kids can't be spontaneous, can't just pick up and go. She has to find a babysitter, or little bobby is sick, so she can't go out tonight.
So yes, I'm going to draw a line in the sand.
Well I don't understand it. Not that I am saying that you should exercise your freedom to choose to date whomever you please. But it would make more sense to me to think along the lines of I want kids (which her having them previously does not prevent). I don't want to have a relationship with a jerky kid. I want spontaneity (which is possible with parents).
I mean rock on. But I think you are limiting yourself.
This discussion is somewhat of a joke. Most single Mom's in this city are smoking hot.
Why? Well she had a ton of effing options in her 20s and 30s so of course she went with one of them and got married and had kids.
After divorcing fatso, she got back in shape herself and is now smoking hot again and guys of all ages and walks of life are begging her for attention....kids or no kids. And yes, that was your free reality check.
\I don't know how educated these divorced parents are, but it is a fact that most single parents are not young women living in poverty with a mysterious "baby daddy" that isn't in the picture.
Although, to be fair, if you are a 20-something guy... maybe when you do run across single moms your age they "are" that 1/3 of never married, single moms.
I am just saying despite that, the popular perception is that single moms are these poor women who accidentally got pregnant. I really don't know how educated your average divorced mom is though. All I know is my social circle and we are all college educated, professionals. So my view of things is skewed.
I get what you're saying. I understand that not all (or maybe even most) single mothers are the MTV-type knocked-up sixteen-year-old girls who are clueless and ditzy. Certainly, it could be that they're from fairly good families, got married, had kids, then got divorced. Basically, "did it the right way, but it still didn't work out, unfortunately." I understand that. I just, for whatever reason, don't really run into them.
When I lived in the suburbs of a large city, there were tons of divorced mothers. Seriously, it was enough to skew your perception of the world. Literally I'd be like "uh ...everyone in the world is divorced." That being said, even though they were living in the suburbs and were by no means poor, these women were not professionals. They weren't doctors and lawyers who were divorced. They were MARRIED to doctors and lawyers and then got divorced. They weren't hicks and they had been to college, but basically they just got married and then raised kids. It's sort of like they went to college to get married, although I know that's an unfair way to put it.
So I definitely see middle-class single mothers. No question. I just don't know if I would characterize them as "professionals."
Because the issue have to deal with the the woman being single. These are the issue I have.
1. I want to have my own kids one day, and I want whoever I marry for us to have kids together. Not her having her own kids already.
2. Yes I don't want to raise another man's child. And people can say all they want that "oh I'm not looking for somebody to help raise my children, he has a father blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is, if you are serious with a woman and are married or living together and that child/children are living under your roof, you will be resonsible for helping to raise that child.
3. I have no interest in Baby Mama, Baby Daddy Drama.
4. I have zero tolerance dealing with a child who is resentful or hates me because I'm dating/sleeping with his mother, or because I'm the step dad.
5. Women with kids can't be spontaneous, can't just pick up and go. She has to find a babysitter, or little bobby is sick, so she can't go out tonight.
So yes, I'm going to draw a line in the sand.
You know what? I have no idea how old you are. If you are a young person, it makes more sense to me since it really would not be limiting.
I am in my early 30s and would not seriously date someone with a kid already. The idea of raising another man's child repulses me.
Also, good moms put their kids first. Not only would I be raising another man's kid (the mom probably made a poor choice selecting the man as her baby daddy, making her judgement questionable), but I would also not be coming first in the relationship anyway.
What is there to gain? Absolutely nothing. I suppose if the man could not reproduce for whatever reason, then it would be acceptable.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
).
