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Clearly he's been revisiting his porn habit while traveling. It IS an ADDICTION. Make no mistake about it. For him this has nothing to do with your relationship or you.
I think it was pretty cool that he admitted to you that watching porn is what he does when his anxiety ramps up.
Your relationship needs help, and not because of the porn. Traveling for work to that degree will KILL a relationship. It sure killed mine! Go to a counselor....if he can't/won't go, go without him.
Grr, yes, we were going to a counselor. It was due to a rough patch we had when we were dating. His father passed away, after a six-month battle with cancer, right after we got engaged. It was literally right around the time I was studying for the bar exam. He has no other family around, just a mother that was fully dependent on her husband, and an older sister that basically leeched off her family, that I think it was put a lot of stress on him. We had so many issues after that (him trying to figure how to take care of his dependent mother, me trying to balance my studies and what I wanted with being there for him), that we really needed to talk to a professional. We kept going over the years. Before all of that, we never had any major issues. His father's death really was a trigger for a lot of rough times.
Okay, this is a first time post for me, but I don't know where to turn. My husband (DH) and I have been married for about 4 years and dating for about 6 years before. We're both in our mid-thirties, work a lot, no kids. We try to stay active and eat healthy (although I admit I've put on a few in the past year or so - about 10 pounds or so, but still makes me smaller than the average female my age - I was just really small before).
Anyway, I've known even before we were married that DH had a serious collection of porn on his computer and would watch it now and then. It didn't really bother me and he never really hid it from me (it was tucked in some obscure folder within a folder), but it wasn't a secret. He's even tried to get me to watch it a few times and I did, but I wasn't really into it. Well, fast-forward, the past few years have been a bear.
For at least the past three years, he's been traveling for more than half the year (sometimes 3 weeks at a time, just coming home for the weekends, at which time he'd be exhausted from the flight). We bought a house a month and a half ago and he's probably been home for probably two full weeks - it's a fixer-upper so I'm the one stuck at home thinking about the projects, etc. Meanwhile, his travel takes him places where he stays at the most high-end hotels, he has a generous daily per diem, eats and drinks out with his co-workers, etc. By the way, I work as well and we bring almost the same amount home every month, so this is not the case of a sad stay-at-home wife, being miserable type of situation.
This Friday he came home exhausted, as usual. He slept in late Saturday, we painted the outside of the house late into the afternoon, then went to the gym, then had a late dinner. I was hoping for some sex in the morning, but didn't really indicate (that's a problem for me, I admit). In the morning when we both wake up in bed, he tells me about a nightmare he had in the middle of then night. He then proceeds to tell me how we ended up looking at naked women on his ipad in our bed to feel better. WHHAATT?? At first, I wasn't even angry. It took a while to sink in, I think. Then, I couldn't believe it. Looking at naked women in OUR bed, while his WIFE is sleeping right next to me.
I finally went ballistic about 30 minutes after he told me, then apologized for getting ballistic, but I'm still pissed. I've been completely understanding about him watching porn and never made an issue out of it. But now he's looking at other women in our bed while I'm sleeping right next to him? He's gone every f'ing week, I'm sitting at home alone, and who knows what he's doing in his luxury hotel rooms. I realize I sound insecure, because I am, but I really think this is crossing the line for me. He's always encouraging me to initiate sex more, but now I'm just going to picture him looking at some f'ing bimbos while I'm trying to turn him on. I recently invested in some sexy lingerie for myself to help our sex life, but now I know sexy lingerie, or losing my 10 extra pounds, isn't really going to make a difference. He's obviously into sluts that do whatever on the internet, not into a mid-thirties wife. And he's not even afraid to tell me about it.
I know I'm about to get bashed on this forum, but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I just need to get this out.
he was subliminally trying to tell you he wants a threesome.
like other fonts have said it sounds like he has a sex addiction, he probably has fetishes and fantasies, and he probably calls on escorts to fulfill them when hes on his business trips.
HE IS JEALOUS OF OTHER MEN.
Fantasizing that they are doing this for free ,not realizing the smiles are fake.
This could backfire, but you might ask him if you could make some extra money doing porn ?
Having YOU paraded in front of other men and being recognized on the street by men for that reputation?
After all he is paying into the market vouching his approval.
You might even encourage him to do a photo shoot together with his face being shared with yours too.
I recently invested in some sexy lingerie for myself to help our sex life, but now I know sexy lingerie, or losing my 10 extra pounds, isn't really going to make a difference. He's obviously into sluts that do whatever on the internet, not into a mid-thirties wife.
Why do you think the women he looks at in porn are younger and trashier than you?
I have a guy friend who is really into porn. He has terabytes of it. And his favorite porn star? She is a woman in her 40s who looks a lot like his long time gf. That's why she is his favorite.
I'd be more concerned about his saying that he looked at porn to 'make himself feel better' after a nightmare. That is a serious sign of addiction, there. It sounds like porn is not about sex for him, it is like alcohol or cocaine -- a way to hide from what he is really feeling.
I think he should make therapy (alone, not just couples therapy) a higher priority than his career.
Okay, this is a first time post for me, but I don't know where to turn. My husband (DH) and I have been married for about 4 years and dating for about 6 years before. We're both in our mid-thirties, work a lot, no kids. We try to stay active and eat healthy (although I admit I've put on a few in the past year or so - about 10 pounds or so, but still makes me smaller than the average female my age - I was just really small before).
Anyway, I've known even before we were married that DH had a serious collection of porn on his computer and would watch it now and then. It didn't really bother me and he never really hid it from me (it was tucked in some obscure folder within a folder), but it wasn't a secret. He's even tried to get me to watch it a few times and I did, but I wasn't really into it. Well, fast-forward, the past few years have been a bear.
For at least the past three years, he's been traveling for more than half the year (sometimes 3 weeks at a time, just coming home for the weekends, at which time he'd be exhausted from the flight). We bought a house a month and a half ago and he's probably been home for probably two full weeks - it's a fixer-upper so I'm the one stuck at home thinking about the projects, etc. Meanwhile, his travel takes him places where he stays at the most high-end hotels, he has a generous daily per diem, eats and drinks out with his co-workers, etc. By the way, I work as well and we bring almost the same amount home every month, so this is not the case of a sad stay-at-home wife, being miserable type of situation.
This Friday he came home exhausted, as usual. He slept in late Saturday, we painted the outside of the house late into the afternoon, then went to the gym, then had a late dinner. I was hoping for some sex in the morning, but didn't really indicate (that's a problem for me, I admit). In the morning when we both wake up in bed, he tells me about a nightmare he had in the middle of then night. He then proceeds to tell me how we ended up looking at naked women on his ipad in our bed to feel better. WHHAATT?? At first, I wasn't even angry. It took a while to sink in, I think. Then, I couldn't believe it. Looking at naked women in OUR bed, while his WIFE is sleeping right next to me.
I finally went ballistic about 30 minutes after he told me, then apologized for getting ballistic, but I'm still pissed. I've been completely understanding about him watching porn and never made an issue out of it. But now he's looking at other women in our bed while I'm sleeping right next to him? He's gone every f'ing week, I'm sitting at home alone, and who knows what he's doing in his luxury hotel rooms. I realize I sound insecure, because I am, but I really think this is crossing the line for me. He's always encouraging me to initiate sex more, but now I'm just going to picture him looking at some f'ing bimbos while I'm trying to turn him on. I recently invested in some sexy lingerie for myself to help our sex life, but now I know sexy lingerie, or losing my 10 extra pounds, isn't really going to make a difference. He's obviously into sluts that do whatever on the internet, not into a mid-thirties wife. And he's not even afraid to tell me about it.
I know I'm about to get bashed on this forum, but I've had a couple of glasses of wine and I just need to get this out.
Is that a typo or part of his dream? I'm not getting it.
For the record you have been married 4 years and been seeing a counselor for 5 years. There is something wrong here. Additionally traveling and buying a handyman special equals too much on one's plate.
Wait.
He is away for days on end but rather look at porn than bone down?
He is looking at porn when he has a real live woman next to him WILLING to have sex?
He's either gay or popping/wants to pop some other woman/women or you're bad in bed he rather watch porn and beat up the bishop
It doesn't sound like you don't want/like sex since you were hoping to get down to business in the morning.
What sort of bs nightmare he had that he needed to look at naked women? What did he dream he was being chased by huge penises he had to look at some strange? If you're gonna lie to your wife at least be creative about it
If so, tell him you HAVE to keep weekly counseling appointments. Insist that he keep the appointment or you will move out.
Then follow through.
Your communication problems would be problem enough, but it does sound like he has a porn addiction, which makes things 100 times harder. You have to treat this like an emergency because it is.
You just made everything worse by going ballistic. He shared something personal about his possible needs that he doesn't even understand and you freaked out and made it about you.
You want sex but admittedly don't do anything to initiate it. You expect him to make all the moves.
His dream included you, why be threatened by that??? It's just a dream. Insecurity is a relationship killer.
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Does that mean you guys were in trouble before you even got married?
