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Electrician4you,
he said his picture was about dismembered body parts and having to find his father's dead body in the pile of body parts.
Wow. You said he had some issues about his father's death, but wow.
It's too bad you mentioned the porn here. It's such a hot button topic. If you had said he woke up and did a line of coke to get his mind off the dream, people would be able to think more clearly about the real issues.
If so, tell him you HAVE to keep weekly counseling appointments. Insist that he keep the appointment or you will move out.
Then follow through.
Your communication problems would be problem enough, but it does sound like he has a porn addiction, which makes things 100 times harder. You have to treat this like an emergency because it is.
You two have some issues to work out, and you don't appear able to work them out between you.
+1. i think the above advice is the best route
fwiw some guys watch porn when stressed, can't sleep, etc. it might not be just a case of bored with you or porn addiction or anything like that. while you paint his travel as one of near luxury, perhaps it's hard on him. or perhaps not, but try to understand porn is not a taboo or a dark secret to him, it's just a normal thing. it's possibly been an everyday part of his life since he was a teenager - not only is it not very taboo, in some ways it might even be mundane to him
of course, doing it unannounced right next to you, asleep, is a bad idea. but perhaps it is more constructive to focus on the better lights to see it in though. he has reached out to you about sharing this in the past; it's not something he's hiding in secret. doing it next to you might have been a (misguided, inconsiderate) way of trying again. while you have every right to not like it or want to partake, consider this is something he's been doing for a long time and isn't going to stop (and like you, he has every right to this). more important than who has the right to do what is you two finding a way to both be happy with your sex lives and fantasies
please don't write off your husband as some sort of porn addict as many have urged. you two sound like you have a long history and a largely successful life together, and in reality almost all men watch porn. one or a few incidents of friction related to it isn't a reason to listen to the more dire predictions that have been voiced
best of luck with this tough spot
Last edited by OdysseusNY; 11-17-2013 at 09:46 PM..
also, i just read the extent of his nightmare, mangled bodies, etc. i definitely think he might have been, at least in large part, doing it as a way of getting his mind on anything else, releasing tension, etc. it is a very quick and easy form of release, albeit not always the healthiest one
I think I get where you are coming from. I'd be mad too. Men can be such pigs. I have no problem with porn but I'd be mad as heck if I were lying there sleeping while he watched porn.
I suspect you wanted to vent, more than wanted advice, but just in case: I would suggest A. either telling him that you'd like him to initiate intimacy after he comes home and has rested, or B. start initiating more yourself. You could even make a special event out of it; maybe 24 hours after he comes home, have a date night set, do something special together, and then go home and be together.
either telling him that you'd like him to initiate intimacy after he comes home and has rested
i think that will not be the most constructive approach. i would bet he has some level, justified or not, of feeling that you are not interested in his desires
despite some of the simplistic views to the contrary, even men with healthy sex drives don't like to have sex just kind of perfunctorily requested of them, especially in the context of ten years of relationship
hopefully however, he (and she) can be constructive discussing it though, especially with the aid of counseling
EDIT not that i don't get where OP is coming from or why she would be upset
Electrician4you,
he said his picture was about dismembered body parts and having to find his father's dead body in the pile of body parts.
Then to feel better, he looked at pictures of naked women (while I was asleep in bed next to him). Actually, now I remember that he woke up in the middle of the night, because he woke me up as well, but didn't say anything about wanting sex.
Oh wow. I thought he just made up some bs. Your post made it sound as such. I still don't see how any nightmare even one that bad will be made better by watching porn. I guess I'm not a huge porn watcher so I don't get the fascination with it.
Maybe he's having some issues and should go seek some psychological help. Talking to a professional may help him figure out the issues.
I still don't see how any nightmare even one that bad will be made better by watching porn. I guess I'm not a huge porn watcher so I don't get the fascination with it.
just taking the mind off. think, eating a box of chocolates, except with a much larger endorphin rush at the end. plus with some guys it makes them very sleepy afterwards, which would help with falling back asleep after a nightmare
of course, it isn't necessarily harmless and in some cases is quite the opposite. just putting out that there are other ways of looking at it. i don't think nearly enough "evidence" has been put forth to start calling this guy a sex addict or dog just yet
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