Now I'm Angry (daughter, clothes, betray, therapist)

[SKP440]

Originally Posted by YAZ

Just because our significant others "aggravate" us or even become "annoying", is not grounds for spreading one's legs or humping the first piece of meat that makes us horny.

A marriage that has lasted DECADES deserves a better ending.

Keep in mind that Skip's wife decided on a divorce AFTER she banged her new fun toy in a public restroom.

This is the kind of behavior that recent divorcees exhibit.....get drunk, get a new tattoo, then have sex in a notsoprivateroom.

To pour salt in the gaping gash in his heart, she routinely converses with her new bang-bang buddy in Skip's presence, and then gets their kids involved.

This gal set herself up well, and made damn sure that she wasn't going to be lonely BEFORE she even filed for divorce.

I must also promulgate that as a licensed medical professional, she should know damn well about depression and the many traits that go with it.

As far as "knowing" one side of the story, well.....we don't have the luxury of getting "her take on things". But we can try to understand Skip, and help him try to understand things. Really, now. He had the gonads to share his story. And he's been fairly honest & forthright (not to mention articulate), with what's been going on in his life.

I'm sorry if you may be offended by our disagreement on things, and I honestly gave some thought to what you posted. And I do agree with you as far as the "It Takes Two To Tango" goes.

I'll be turning 50 years old this year, and I've seen many marriages dissolve and have had plenty of heartache on my end.

I've learned this:

It takes two to make a marriage successful, but it only takes one to mess it up.

Yaz I don't know if you have already met my wife but she does have a tattoo that she got on her lower leg as part of what I call a mid-life crisis staple. Doing something that makes her feel younger. It does indeed take two to make a marriage successful, but I've been told that I was the one who wanted the divorce because I treated her so badly, and hooking up with this guy makes her feel better (even though her friends and her therapist classify it as her "Acting Out"). Today I'm sitting in my new apartment located in the basement of a private house. I'm tired because I moved with help from no one. I have to clarify that. My wife did buy some cleaning equipment and set up the bathroom for me (I suspect she is here to make sure the place is not too nice). She keeps referring to the spare bedroom as my Daughters room. I reminded her that our daughter lives at home with her mother for a reason. I reminded her if I was indeed the one who after 24 years of marriage and living fairly comfortable in a nice condo wanted a divorce and moved out why would I punish my child and change her way of life just because I can no longer make her mother happy? I also informed her that until I can afford to buy a proper bed for the larger bedroom that I would continue to sleep on the twin size bed in the smaller bedroom. To put it simple my furniture consists of a bed, a night stand, a kitchen table and 2 chairs and a 70 year old dresser. I don't even have a couch. But I won't be exposed to watching my STBX step out, date and occasionally spend the night at her new boyfriends house. Hell I think in a couple of weeks he can just come over and take up my former closet space and start using my dresser. The kids have already been told who he is so why not?

[lilyflower3191981]

Originally Posted by lastwomanstanding

I think it's from trying really hard and still ending up divorced. No one is perfect but your wife obviously doesn't understand that. You are sad under the anger, anger just feels better. She thinks she's justified going with someone else? She's not. She's supposed to communicate with you, not look for another man.

Originally Posted by SKP440

But I won't be exposed to watching my STBX step out, date and occasionally spend the night at her new boyfriends house. Hell I think in a couple of weeks he can just come over and take up my former closet space and start using my dresser. The kids have already been told who he is so why not?

I agree with lws, "trying really hard and still ending up divorced" must really suck! I am so sorry that you have to go through this skp.

I don't know if this will help, but I learned from a grief therapist that do whatever you have to do to move forward. Moving forward = feeling empowered, happy, healthier. Holding on anger is a temporary pain reliever, I've tried that. But anger makes you very exhausted. It is like drinking. You won't find much relief holding on so much anger.

I think people subconsciously want others to take their sides. Validating their feelings. That is understandable. We all do that sometimes. But when there is a failed relationship, nobody is winner. We all have our reasons to not be with the other person, we also feel we have been done wrong. But like so many people pointed out, no matter how do we try to justify it, it still takes two to make or break a relationship.

A poster posted "It takes two to make a relationship, but it only takes one to mess it up." I don't think I really agree with that.

I don't believe there are a lot of truly bad people for us to date or married to, only the wrong ones. Didn't you say that your relationship lasts 24 years? Most people would consider that a success.

Although she has a new man atm, I doubt she is really "recovered" from this divorce. People can mask their pain by doing whatever, but only they know if they are truly happy or not.

When my late boyfriend died, I tried to jump to another rebound relationship. (after one year grieve over him) I felt miserable. I smile in the morning, and I cry at night. I was the only one who knew that I was miserable. Wearing a mask is no way to live.

It is okay to be angry, it is part of healing. But try not to hold on to it for a very long time, it is self destructive. It only affects you negatively, not anybody else.

We are all given our crosses to bear. I wish I could've been a better girlfriend, maybe I should have done better. But the past is past, no matter what I do, how hard I cry, when the relationship is over, the relationship is over. There is nothing I can do.

Why not try to keep yourself busy? Spend some time with friends and family. Be gentle with yourself.

Wish you some peaceful moment today and take care.

[bettyblueingrey]

Women must be treated the way they deserve. Better ask you're wife what does she mean when you are not available emotionally to her....it will clear the picture- once stated then that's time you need to assess yourself.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by SKP440

The parting shot to end all parting shots. She sits the kids down and tells them that I'm moving out on Saturday. Then she tells them that she is seeing someone else. The kids have already met the guy when they visited her job. My daughter (16) said she kind of guessed there was something going on based on the way her face lit up when he came in the room. My son (23) had more of an "oh well that's how the cookie crumbles" attitude. Sure I'm disappointed (more like hurt and crushed) at their reactions and once again Saturday can't come soon enough.

I disagree with some posts -- it's okay to be angry, it's a normal human emotion. You can be angry at someone who made a promise and didn't keep it -- she lied about the "for better and for worse" and the "until death do us part" and she committed adultery. Most people who commit adultery do it because they have found flaws in their spouse that they feel justifies them having sex with someone else. It's also okay to be angry at yourself.

It's what you do with the anger. Don't let it consume you, and you don't have to hate her. Your son is right in a way -- it sometimes is just how the cookie crumbles -- and you can look at the bright side. There are spouses who plot to murder the other -- yours just ended the marriage.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by SKP440

The parting shot to end all parting shots. She sits the kids down and tells them that I'm moving out on Saturday. Then she tells them that she is seeing someone else. The kids have already met the guy when they visited her job. My daughter (16) said she kind of guessed there was something going on based on the way her face lit up when he came in the room. My son (23) had more of an "oh well that's how the cookie crumbles" attitude. Sure I'm disappointed (more like hurt and crushed) at their reactions and once again Saturday can't come soon enough.

That is probably a pretty normal outward reaction for kids that age. It doesn't mean they're not upset, they just didn't get all emotional and hysterical. Even younger kids might just kind of shrug and go outdoors to play when told the parents are splitting up, it doesn't mean they're at all okay with the news, often they really aren't.

Time will tell --- but very often what goes around comes around. She found a guy that had no problem banging a married woman. How long will he remain faithful to her? How long before he meets up with another floozey who will give him some action? Often the adulterous relationship that led to the break-up of a marriage doesn't last long. Part of the sexual excitement involves the lying and sneaking around. Now that he can have her, he may not want her for long.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by SKP440

Well said and yes I DID NOT RRV the relationship. I can only speak for myself, so I do take that responsibility for the demise of the marriage. The reason I feel so disrespected is because if the roles were reversed and I was the one who decided to have a relationship BEFORE filing for divorce (or even announcing my intentions to do so to my spouse) I would be considered an a-hole plain and simple. Some in this forum have stated that I somehow forced her into having this affair with her subordinate, and even my STBX herself has stated to me that she is doing this as a means to cope with the way I made her feel, and therefore she has no guilt in handling it the way she did. She also said she did not mean to hurt my feelings, but I hurt her feelings for six months. She knew I was (and continue to be) going through a really bad depression during that time, yet that was no excuse. Me telling her I needed a little time (to get myself together) still was not enough to stop her from wanting to end the marriage and carry on the affair. The way I see it in the end my daughter suffers because here was a really bad time in a relationship where instead of trying to work through it WE BOTH (although I DON'T WANT TO) decided to call it quits like the previous 24 years was not worth fighting for, or didn't really mean anything.

Adulterers very often blame the victim. Men will cheat on a wife because she doesn't have the same figure at age 40 that she had at age 25, or because the wife is too involved with the kids, or she is jut too boring and his lover is more exciting. Women are just as pathetic when it comes to making excuses for cheating on a spouse.

Your marriage is ending because she cheated. It would be entirely different if she told you it was over and there wasn't someone else in the picture, then there is the possibility of working things out.

I think one way to lessen your anger is to face the fact that she's been carrying on an affair and that's the real reason she wants the divorce. She's trying to pin it on you but that's her cop-out. She's thinking with her crotch --- it happens. It may be more about her fears of aging, losing her looks, wanting that high an infatuation gives her.

[YAZ]

Originally Posted by malamute

Adulterers very often blame the victim. Men will cheat on a wife because she doesn't have the same figure at age 40 that she had at age 25, or because the wife is too involved with the kids, or she is jut too boring and his lover is more exciting. Women are just as pathetic when it comes to making excuses for cheating on a spouse.

Your marriage is ending because she cheated. It would be entirely different if she told you it was over and there wasn't someone else in the picture, then there is the possibility of working things out.

I think one way to lessen your anger is to face the fact that she's been carrying on an affair and that's the real reason she wants the divorce. She's trying to pin it on you but that's her cop-out. She's thinking with her crotch --- it happens. It may be more about her fears of aging, losing her looks, wanting that high an infatuation gives her.

Spot on.

And I'd be willing to bet that Skip's STBX will be VERY upset when she finds out that he's having a good time and enjoying his new life.

[YAZ]

Originally Posted by SKP440

Yaz I don't know if you have already met my wife but she does have a tattoo that she got on her lower leg as part of what I call a mid-life crisis staple. Doing something that makes her feel younger. It does indeed take two to make a marriage successful, but I've been told that I was the one who wanted the divorce because I treated her so badly, and hooking up with this guy makes her feel better (even though her friends and her therapist classify it as her "Acting Out"). Today I'm sitting in my new apartment located in the basement of a private house. I'm tired because I moved with help from no one. I have to clarify that. My wife did buy some cleaning equipment and set up the bathroom for me (I suspect she is here to make sure the place is not too nice). She keeps referring to the spare bedroom as my Daughters room. I reminded her that our daughter lives at home with her mother for a reason. I reminded her if I was indeed the one who after 24 years of marriage and living fairly comfortable in a nice condo wanted a divorce and moved out why would I punish my child and change her way of life just because I can no longer make her mother happy? I also informed her that until I can afford to buy a proper bed for the larger bedroom that I would continue to sleep on the twin size bed in the smaller bedroom. To put it simple my furniture consists of a bed, a night stand, a kitchen table and 2 chairs and a 70 year old dresser. I don't even have a couch. But I won't be exposed to watching my STBX step out, date and occasionally spend the night at her new boyfriends house. Hell I think in a couple of weeks he can just come over and take up my former closet space and start using my dresser. The kids have already been told who he is so why not?

Of course she blames you, as she's trying to justify her egregious behavior. And of course she's checking out your new pad, because she's gonna make damn sure that you're not upgrading.

Look around you at your somewhat Spartan living conditions.......not much, eh?

That's a good thing.

Because you didn't carry all of that baggage with you.

BTW,

I've seen the tattoo thing with others.....too many to count.

[YAZ]

Originally Posted by bettyblueingrey

Women must be treated the way they deserve. Better ask you're wife what does she mean when you are not available emotionally to her....it will clear the picture- once stated then that's time you need to assess yourself.

At this point of the ballgame I wouldn't be too worried about her feelings.

And I certainly wouldn't consider her opinions regarding anyone's self assessment.

Because she's not qualified.

[SD4020]

She is going to justify her behavior, her justification is blaming you. Now that you are moved out and the process and paperwork are in motion cut contact with your ex. Only talk to her about your daughter. Make it clear that any other issue is off limits. Keep communications businesslike.

There is no need to let her take jabs at you. Been there done that. I was miserable a long time before my divorce, once it started the relief was huge.