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And why are you talking to your ex about her family stuff? Why are you talking to her about anything other than the absolutely necessary subjects (like the kids)?
Not to be too glib, but he's still and "ex in training"
Spent most of today catching up on sleep I really did not get the last 3 days. Tonight I have a therapy appointment and I will show my parents the apartment. Never realized how much pain I'm in. I shaved off my beard for now (the gray makes me look much older than I am) and I will speak to my daughter when she gets out of school. I'm already on Wellbutrin for the depression and I understand why living alone makes it much worse. My sister-in-law is suffering from the same thing, and she lives by herself in Denver. Last week my STBX decided to tell her all that was happening and she tried to kill herself. My STBX says it was a mistake in judgement on her part (ya think?). So I guess being alone does have me concerned a bit. It took her sister weeks before she was able to get out of bed and function and now my genius STBX sets her back. I did ask her why she did it and she said she thought she could take the news since she met somebody. The somebody is just a FWB NOT someone she can talk to or depend on for emotional support. I want to stay out of it because this is her family but I feel somewhat responsible.
Sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. But, to me, that's a clear indication of the type of person your STBX is...not really all that compassionate or insightful enough to recognize what someone can or cannot receive at a given moment in time.
More importantly, consider that your STBX may be trying to manipulate your emotions by pulling at your heart strings (sister-in-law, drama, etc.) in order to either keep control or make you feel worse than you already do. Regardless of motive, the outcome is the same. Consider writing her an email or a letter (to take to her house when she isn't there) and let her know that you would prefer any contact be constrained to matters pertaining to the divorce only.
You don't need to explain yourself unless you really need to, but I'll tell you why that worked for me (going through my second right now...):
You have to establish boundaries for yourself RIGHT NOW. Not later--not when you feel more rested. Stop and write a 5 bullet list of things you want in terms of how the next few months go. Minimal contact between you and your STBX will help you regain a sense of balanced footing in your new life and new apartment.
Next, go and buy something cool that your STBX would have given you a hard time about. That could be something as simple as a new "favorite" chair, a movie she would hate to watch, or just about anything. The point is not to get back at her...it's to establish a small part of yourself as YOU.
This is YOUR moment, SKP. This is, believe it or not, an opportunity for you to find yourself again. It doesn't seem like it right now (I know), but you'll get there one day. In the meantime, just take each day moment by moment. Don't worry about tomorrow...it will be here soon enough.
Sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. But, to me, that's a clear indication of the type of person your STBX is...not really all that compassionate or insightful enough to recognize what someone can or cannot receive at a given moment in time.
More importantly, consider that your STBX may be trying to manipulate your emotions by pulling at your heart strings (sister-in-law, drama, etc.) in order to either keep control or make you feel worse than you already do. Regardless of motive, the outcome is the same. Consider writing her an email or a letter (to take to her house when she isn't there) and let her know that you would prefer any contact be constrained to matters pertaining to the divorce only.
You don't need to explain yourself unless you really need to, but I'll tell you why that worked for me (going through my second right now...):
You have to establish boundaries for yourself RIGHT NOW. Not later--not when you feel more rested. Stop and write a 5 bullet list of things you want in terms of how the next few months go. Minimal contact between you and your STBX will help you regain a sense of balanced footing in your new life and new apartment.
Next, go and buy something cool that your STBX would have given you a hard time about. That could be something as simple as a new "favorite" chair, a movie she would hate to watch, or just about anything. The point is not to get back at her...it's to establish a small part of yourself as YOU.
This is YOUR moment, SKP. This is, believe it or not, an opportunity for you to find yourself again. It doesn't seem like it right now (I know), but you'll get there one day. In the meantime, just take each day moment by moment. Don't worry about tomorrow...it will be here soon enough.
--Dim
So, what you're trying to say is that Skip's STBX is a social idiot. I would tend to agree with you on this one. I'd also go a bit farther and suggest that this gal has a personality disorder. Or...she was born to be an a$$hole......
Yep! Boundaries are oh so important right now.
Also agree that ANYTHING that adds a little spice to one's life is a bonus. E.g., she didn't like cooking biscuits & gravy......go out and get some at the local greasy spoon. Must be careful with the new Corvette, stereo system, etc.
Sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. But, to me, that's a clear indication of the type of person your STBX is...not really all that compassionate or insightful enough to recognize what someone can or cannot receive at a given moment in time.
More importantly, consider that your STBX may be trying to manipulate your emotions by pulling at your heart strings (sister-in-law, drama, etc.) in order to either keep control or make you feel worse than you already do. Regardless of motive, the outcome is the same. Consider writing her an email or a letter (to take to her house when she isn't there) and let her know that you would prefer any contact be constrained to matters pertaining to the divorce only.
You don't need to explain yourself unless you really need to, but I'll tell you why that worked for me (going through my second right now...):
You have to establish boundaries for yourself RIGHT NOW. Not later--not when you feel more rested. Stop and write a 5 bullet list of things you want in terms of how the next few months go. Minimal contact between you and your STBX will help you regain a sense of balanced footing in your new life and new apartment.
Next, go and buy something cool that your STBX would have given you a hard time about. That could be something as simple as a new "favorite" chair, a movie she would hate to watch, or just about anything. The point is not to get back at her...it's to establish a small part of yourself as YOU.
This is YOUR moment, SKP. This is, believe it or not, an opportunity for you to find yourself again. It doesn't seem like it right now (I know), but you'll get there one day. In the meantime, just take each day moment by moment. Don't worry about tomorrow...it will be here soon enough.
--Dim
I would love to buy something, but now I have to make ends meet. When I was married my salary was used mostly to build up our savings, and as a cushion for paying bills. Now my salary has to do it all. Making sure funds are in the bank so that when they take the cash they can do so with no problem. Next worry are those "what if" things I just learned to stop worrying about because I saved the money. I also have to contribute a decent amount (17%) back to the house to help raise my daughter. In situations like these men have no choice but to work overtime, and yet they have to sometimes trade off spending time with the kids in order to make money. I get that we as men are supposed to suck it up and make it work (because from the court to the STBX they really don't give a damn as long as you pay. That's your problem.) How the hell is a father not living under the same roof as the kids supposed to be an effective parent?? Just my observation so far.
I would love to buy something, but now I have to make ends meet. When I was married my salary was used mostly to build up our savings, and as a cushion for paying bills. Now my salary has to do it all. Making sure funds are in the bank so that when they take the cash they can do so with no problem. Next worry are those "what if" things I just learned to stop worrying about because I saved the money. I also have to contribute a decent amount (17%) back to the house to help raise my daughter. In situations like these men have no choice but to work overtime, and yet they have to sometimes trade off spending time with the kids in order to make money. I get that we as men are supposed to suck it up and make it work (because from the court to the STBX they really don't give a damn as long as you pay. That's your problem.) How the hell is a father not living under the same roof as the kids supposed to be an effective parent?? Just my observation so far.
I was fortunate, we had no kids, and there was no alimony. It took a while to get all the debts paid off. I finally got it done last fall.
As far as parenting, you can work a schedule that allows for visitation and participation in your child's activities. Set up a plan gives you ample time with your daughter. Counseling should help coach you on being a good parent or as good as can be in these circumstances.
I would love to buy something, but now I have to make ends meet. When I was married my salary was used mostly to build up our savings, and as a cushion for paying bills. Now my salary has to do it all. Making sure funds are in the bank so that when they take the cash they can do so with no problem. Next worry are those "what if" things I just learned to stop worrying about because I saved the money. I also have to contribute a decent amount (17%) back to the house to help raise my daughter. In situations like these men have no choice but to work overtime, and yet they have to sometimes trade off spending time with the kids in order to make money. I get that we as men are supposed to suck it up and make it work (because from the court to the STBX they really don't give a damn as long as you pay. That's your problem.) How the hell is a father not living under the same roof as the kids supposed to be an effective parent?? Just my observation so far.
SKP, do you have an attorney yet? If so, these are questions that you need to run through her/him. I say this because I don't know where you live and what your state's laws are.
That said, I think you could probably scrounge up a hundred bucks or so (maybe not) and just treat yourself to something nice or an experience that is JUST FOR YOU. This is the key here: You are just now coming out from under the shadow of a marriage, and it's going to be hard to determine what your life is going to look like long-term.
Yeah, there are undoubtedly a lot of what-if's and how-will-I's running through your head. But trust me, it gets easier. You'll feel much better just having a little knowledge of what you should be expecting from the divorce process and in the days/weeks/months that follow the judge's signature on the decree.
Dim I hear what you're saying but the 100 bucks is going to a therapist for now. I will get my budget in order within the next day or so as I had to change what is getting paid and what account they take it out of. I have a lawyer and even though she makes more money I still owe 17% of my salary for child support. She cheated so what? NY is a no fault state. She is also entitled to half of my pension when I finally decide to retire. Since she makes more than I do I'm trying to bargain let me keep the pension and she pays no alimony (as if they would ever give me alimony). There is a good chance that the alimony will be such a small amount that I would still be in the hole monthly which is why the best case for me is child support and I keep my pension. The lawyer said family court is designed to punish the man for being divorced. It also takes it's frustration out on men who work and pay their bills and taxes on time in order to compensate for the deadbeat dads who refuse to or don't do the right thing.
Dim I hear what you're saying but the 100 bucks is going to a therapist for now. I will get my budget in order within the next day or so as I had to change what is getting paid and what account they take it out of. I have a lawyer and even though she makes more money I still owe 17% of my salary for child support. She cheated so what? NY is a no fault state. She is also entitled to half of my pension when I finally decide to retire. Since she makes more than I do I'm trying to bargain let me keep the pension and she pays no alimony (as if they would ever give me alimony). There is a good chance that the alimony will be such a small amount that I would still be in the hole monthly which is why the best case for me is child support and I keep my pension. The lawyer said family court is designed to punish the man for being divorced. It also takes it's frustration out on men who work and pay their bills and taxes on time in order to compensate for the deadbeat dads who refuse to or don't do the right thing.
Dang.
This is the part where you have to play "nicey-nice" just to have the chance of keeping your head above water (financially).
Explore the possibility of ensuring that your daughter gets the money DIRECTLY or maybe even a college fund that can only be withdrawn with your signature. She's sixteen, so NY courts might be able to enforce that............not sure.....but check it out......
Another kick in the groin if your STBX uses the cash to finance a trip to Vegas, boob job, or more tattoos...
I'm also thinkin'....anyway for her to buy you out of your home? Joint ownership, right? Others "in the know" around this forum might be able to shine some light on this area.
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