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oooh, I get this. All the snuggling and affection, but without the big payoff. So it's hard to tear yourself away.
At this point, OP, you may find it helpful to see a counselor who specializes in couples stuff, to help you gain the clarity and the resolve you need to bite the bullet and do what you need to do. We've been giving you good suggestions, but I sense you're having trouble tearing yourself away from her and following through with your plan. Maybe a few sessions with a professional would help you get there....?
Its hard for me of course. I sat and spoke with her about it last night actually. Told her that I cant be in this anymore. That we have been having the same conversations for over a year and sex shouldn't be that difficult if nothings wrong (as she swears there isnt). So the fact that we are, even though I've been vocal and open, shows this is something that just cant be fixed. She continues to put up the I love you, you're my love, don't give up on me and almost avoidance of things...and being its the holidays, I guess thats making it worse. I've taken the first step, but as another poster said, I cant be gentle about it. And that IS my next step for when I see her again today. Its really $hitty...I'm not gonna lie. And I probably will go see a consoler to help me through, but the advice here has been amazing. And its not been in vain, that I hope everyone can believe. I will follow through, as hard as thats going to be.
** And I totally keep those things in mind. Considering After the third time she lied, I completely just ignored it and gave her the benefit of the doubt, not for her sake, but for my sanity. But I have and do bring that up, and don't get any substance in answers as to how she possibly could justify lieing to my face 3 times...since I gave her no reason to have to be sneaky or be ashamed to speak to me if she disagreed with something. And I've come to see that it doesnt matter the anwwer anymore (even though I dont and wont get one) because she was selfish while doing that, and it had nothing to do with me (at least nothing I could change, because I was 100% genuine that whole time - I just wasnt the one for her to be respectful to I guess).
I cant say I read every post but most of them. I hope you are ending this relationship and moving on. It will be hard....but I am almost certain that it isn't going to get better. The longer you stay the harder the breakup will be.
I hope you don't decide to give it another chance regardless of what she says......this relationship is over and shouldn't even be attempted to be revived. Hopefully you can extricate yourself without it turning ugly. I haven't heard you say anything even slightly that depreciates her. Talk to her...but not about how to make it better....about how to bring it to a graceful non-injurious end. Don't go for.....we can still be friends.....not really. Friends are a minimum honest with one another and she hasn't been and isn't. You cant trust her. Not only is she not your "girlfriend" or "lover".....she isn't a friend. Friends don't hurt the friend over and over and over for years and years.
The truth hurts, and the truth obviously sets in late when you invest all you are into someone. But you are 100% right in what you say, I see that much more clearly now. Whereas before I always looked at it though the lens of "us" I'm now looking at it through my own eyes, and it hurts. But I know now and the ball is in my court. Its time to be selfish, so I dont end up killing myself with stress and losing anymore of who I am.
Its hard for me of course. I sat and spoke with her about it last night actually. Told her that I cant be in this anymore. That we have been having the same conversations for over a year and sex shouldn't be that difficult if nothings wrong (as she swears there isnt). So the fact that we are, even though I've been vocal and open, shows this is something that just cant be fixed. She continues to put up the I love you, you're my love, don't give up on me and almost avoidance of things...and being its the holidays, I guess thats making it worse. I've taken the first step, but as another poster said, I cant be gentle about it. And that IS my next step for when I see her again today. Its really $hitty...I'm not gonna lie. And I probably will go see a consoler to help me through, but the advice here has been amazing. And its not been in vain, that I hope everyone can believe. I will follow through, as hard as thats going to be.
** And I totally keep those things in mind. Considering After the third time she lied, I completely just ignored it and gave her the benefit of the doubt, not for her sake, but for my sanity. But I have and do bring that up, and don't get any substance in answers as to how she possibly could justify lieing to my face 3 times...since I gave her no reason to have to be sneaky or be ashamed to speak to me if she disagreed with something. And I've come to see that it doesnt matter the anwwer anymore (even though I dont and wont get one) because she was selfish while doing that, and it had nothing to do with me (at least nothing I could change, because I was 100% genuine that whole time - I just wasnt the one for her to be respectful to I guess).
Be firm. Don't fall for any crying. Don't let the Holidays be an excuse to back off. The time is right, your mind is finally clear. As they say, Just Do It! If you don't get substantive answers or evasive answers, call her on that. And in the end (if she tries to drag the conversation out), you can put your foot down and just say you've made up your mind, you've put up with too much hurt for too long, and you'd like her to be out by X date (if you're sharing a place), or just tell her it's over, and you won't be seeing each other any more.
Good luck! We're rooting for you! You can do this! Keep us posted.
Be firm. Don't fall for any crying. Don't let the Holidays be an excuse to back off. The time is right, your mind is finally clear. As they say, Just Do It! If you don't get substantive answers or evasive answers, call her on that. And in the end (if she tries to drag the conversation out), you can put your foot down and just say you've made up your mind, you've put up with too much hurt for too long, and you'd like her to be out by X date (if you're sharing a place), or just tell her it's over, and you won't be seeing each other any more.
Good luck! We're rooting for you! You can do this! Keep us posted.
Definitely will keep everyone posted! Thanks for all your help Ruth4Truth
Sorry to be harsh, but a friend of mine went through this. Until he actually caught her cheating, he stuck around for like 2 years, rarely ever getting any type of action. She would hang out with him, complain to him about her problems, snuggle up, whatever. He was basically her best friend. Except she was getting it on the side. From more than one guy. I'd be careful here.
It sounds to me like she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore. You could look like Ryan Goseling, it doesn't matter. Once you go all nice guy, yes man, weak herbling, a woman will lose it for you so quick it will blow your mind.
My suggestion: If she isn't cheating, you need to figure out how to get that spark back. It's not hard but it takes some behavioral changes. But you need to figure out if she's cheating and the scent of the ho is strong with this one.
My friend said something to me yesterday that really hit home. I wanted to tell you since you get these mixed signals and it's hard to just let go (I so get that).
He said to me, "He is supposed to add to the quality of your life, not take away from it."
It hit me hard. My xbf told me I was perfect for him and that he loved me like he has never loved anyone else. But yet, he couldn't make time for me and treated me so-so at times. I think that back and forth is what kept me around so long (and that I loved him like no other). But here's the thing. Did he actually add to my quality of life? No. He did not. The ups and downs, the absolute confusion, the mixed signals, that's not adding to my life in anyways. Yes, I could pick apart days and say, that day was awesome. But overall, was my life better? Nope. In fact, he drove me insane. I thought I was the one doing something wrong.
So, does your GF add to the quality of your life. Don't break it down by days, but overall, does she add to your quality of life? Is your life better because she's in it? No. Well, then let her go.
I know it's not that simple, but yet, is is so very simple. I'm going to live my life by that from now on. If a man isn't adding to the quality of my life, then he's gone. No point in sticking around if overall the quality of my life is suffering because of him.
Please help me I need some advice. PLEASE..Im 22yrs old and just had my very first bf. He chased me for 3years but I never gave him the chance because I wasnt a nice person to guys at that time and finally I got myself together and trusted myself enough to know I wont hurt him. Long story short we became official and I was very happy the happiest I had ever been. He had a few issues I believe with himself and insecurities. He let it get the best of him and broke up with me after hanging out for 3months straight and being together for 1 month. He said he wasnt into it anymore and feels like im may not be his soul mate. Am I wrong for still wanting to be with him???
Please help me I need some advice. PLEASE..Im 22yrs old and just had my very first bf. He chased me for 3years but I never gave him the chance because I wasnt a nice person to guys at that time and finally I got myself together and trusted myself enough to know I wont hurt him. Long story short we became official and I was very happy the happiest I had ever been. He had a few issues I believe with himself and insecurities. He let it get the best of him and broke up with me after hanging out for 3months straight and being together for 1 month. He said he wasnt into it anymore and feels like im may not be his soul mate. Am I wrong for still wanting to be with him???
Honestly, I'm not sure I'm the one you wanna talk to seeing I'm just getting out of a hurtful relationship. Fact of the matter is this - a relationship is made up of two separate people. So as long as one of the people isn't in it, or giving it as much attention - its gonna fall apart. When he chased you for so long, you weren't in it. No matter what he did, said, he couldn't change your mind. It's the same as now - but now its him who's not in it. No matter what you do, you can't change him or what he feels he needs. All you can do is be straight up with him, be honest and cast out that line of conversation. If he bites, than you guys work at it - but if he keeps swimming, its gonna be what it is.
Talk to the guy, find out whats going on with him and if he's willing to be honest and straight with you. Maybe the past with him chasing you, watching you ignore him is making him question things. Maybe he's not seeing you or himself the same since you guys started dating...it really could be anything. But thats why honest conversation has to happen - even if it hurts. You guys need to know whether you work. Whether you can be compatible, or whether you can fix issues as a team and move forward. You may be happy, but he is not. One day it can reverse. Thats why couples should be aware and willing to squash/fix issues before they grow. I let issues continue because my ex wasn't honest. She wouldn't be straight with me. I just gave a million chances but nothing was changing. Although she wanted to be with me, she was hurting me with her lies and hiding things from me. It got to the point where she stopped sleeping with me...I have no idea why, she could never, or would never say.
Don't sit on things. Either have closure between the two of you so you can move on; or use the honesty if he's willing to work with you to fix the problem - So you don't keep repeating whats causing the issues at hand now. Sometimes things just dont work, I feel I was so good to my girl, like literally in every way. Honest, accepting, open, caring...yet she felt the need to lie and be sneaky countless times. She stopped being intimate...Nothing I did would have mattered, she chose to do what she did by herself based on her own reasons. She just decided never to let me in, even though I asked so many times. He may never let you in; so be prepared for that to be an outcome as well.
Thanks for the advice...Its just that nothing makes sense. We were happy together, and I changed so much about myself for him and got rid of all my guy friends and ended our friendships to show him how much I was dedicated to him. I dont believe I should just let it end. Everyones telling me to just give him time to think because its not over but how long do I wait? I dont see anything wrong with me wanting to help him through his issues. He was able to stop me from being all about me when it comes to guys without a fight and put my guards down without even thinking twice. It just makes no sense.
Thanks for the advice...Its just that nothing makes sense. We were happy together, and I changed so much about myself for him and got rid of all my guy friends and ended our friendships to show him how much I was dedicated to him. I dont believe I should just let it end. Everyones telling me to just give him time to think because its not over but how long do I wait? I dont see anything wrong with me wanting to help him through his issues. He was able to stop me from being all about me when it comes to guys without a fight and put my guards down without even thinking twice. It just makes no sense.
Kellz, I know you are hurt and confused right now, but truly, real love doesn't look or feel like this okay?
It's not "wrong" for you to feel you still want him, it's just not healthy to cling to that desire.
Focus your energy on letting go. You are not his "savior" and if he has real issues he needs a professional, not you.
You think all this sacrifice and dedication is "proof" of your love, but it's not. It's just proof of your fear of losing him.
When people truly love one another it is never necessary to hold on this tightly and refuse to let go.
When a man tells you who he is and what he values - BELIEVE HIM.
A refusal to believe him only sets you up for further hurt and pain
Try caring about YOURSELF as much as you claim to care about him okay? Walk away.
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