Quote:
Originally Posted by pepperblack
I just am afraid that I'm giving out desparate vibes after being in an emotional and physically abusive marriage. I'm just looking to have a good time right now, but, eventually I would love to meet somebody who thought I was not only attractive, but, smart, fun and witty. I don't just want to be sex material. I meet these people everywhere it seems. They are very nice and sweet and then all of a sudden they bring up spending the night or something....  |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Wow, nice and sweet? Then they pull a switcheroo? Do you think there might be red flags early on that you're ignoring? "All of a sudden" = how sudden? After one date? Several dates? In any case, I think generally, people need to weed through a lot of chaff to get to the few kernels of good wheat. You have to expect a lot of attrition. And some people take a lot for granted these days, i.e. entitlement to a woman's body. Or they assume women are in it for sex, just like they are. And some women are, so occasionally the guys' expectations get met.
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To the OP:
P.S.-- By the way, I am male.
It depends on HOW the men do it (i.e., HOW it is asked of you, what they say, if they simply ask or if they are pushy or insistent or forceful, etc etc. etc.). Why is it that a man expressing a desire for physical intimacy with a woman whom he has spent some time with (with both of you being smart, fun, funny, witty, interesting, playful, et al with one another) is automatically looked upon by some women as sordid or devious or low-class or sinister or that he "just wants me for sex material" as you put it)? How do you know that you are simply being looked at as simply material for a sex session and then it is over? Some people (both men and women) are simply people who yearn to hold another person, to bond with them physically, to give and receive pleasure . . . not simply as a sexual release but almost as a form of what one might think of as "extended affection" (that is, sexual intimacy as an extension of physical affection). That describes
ME, for instance. Even though I may well be appreciative and enjoying of sexual intimacy prevailing between myself and a woman, I'd be pleased as well if we simply held each other (i.e.,
if I have that sort of affinity for her in the first place).
You have to understand that we adult humans, in some ways (or maybe even in many ways), are not much different from babies or young children or animals (such as our dogs and cats). That is, just as a baby or a dog or a cat likes to be held or kissed or cuddled or stroked or having its tummy rubbed (in the case of a dog or cat), we humans-- or at least
some of us humans --are the same way. The expression of a desire for physical intimacy does not
necessarily mean that the other person sees nothing in you other than that (i.e., as a mere sexual outlet). The desire to bed the other person might (depending on the person asking you) sometimes be looked at by them as a form of "extended affection" but just of a more intimate form. It isn't always or necessarily just a desire for physical release of one's body fluids.
Note that I myself, as a male, have had varied women over the decades who'd outright asked
ME or pursued having sexual relations with
ME. And I didn't automatically view them doing so as sordid or classless or vapid or devaluing of me as a person. I've said "No" to many and "Yes" to others. I just look at it as us humans (like other sentient creatures), or at least many of us humans, have an innate desire and need for bonding with the opposite sex . . . whether affectionally or sexually or both. We only live once and we never know when our last moment of life will arrive before we pass on. We come to view physical intimacy and bonding as one of the greatest joys of life. And some of us (both men and women), to put it rather plainly, are rather "'love-and/or affection-starved". Or if not "starved", we
DO appreciate and look forward to
any time (or
nearly any time) that we can experience physical intimacy and affection with someone we find appealing. We ourselves may even
ideally prefer this physical intimacy within the context of a relationship or a marriage (which I do, for instance) but, lacking that (or having been hurt by our experiences with that), we may settle for physical intimacy even
outside of the context of an already-established relationship or a marriage because we still yearn for physical intimacy and bonding and even sometimes beyond that (i.e., sexual passion) and that need goes unmet. That is, we can go for extended periods of time (even years) without it and feel disconnected and empty (even hurting).
IN SUMMARY: It depends on
HOW the particular men in question asked you or pursued this hope or desire with you . . . and, of course, it depends on
WHO asked you (i.e., some persons of the opposite sex are simply not attractive or appealing to us in that way . . . even though we may enjoy their company otherwise). Without you giving any details (i.e., spelling out the varied examples of
who exactly asked you and
how they asked you and
after how long after getting to know you did they ask you), I can't pass any blanket judgements on the men.
Ruth4Truth seems to view it as the men pulling a "switcheroo" or that the men are "feel entitled to a woman's body". If the man simply asks and isn't otherwise pushy or forceful, this is a man asking you for your
permission.
Get it? It is not necessarily looked upon by a man as an entitlement to your body if he simply
asks. You can of course say "No" or "not yet" or "let's take more time" or "it's somewhat too soon for me" or whatever else you feel it necessary to say. When women have asked
ME for the same (in their myriad different ways), I didn't view it as
them seeing themselves as "entitled" to my body or my affections . . . or, if they touched my arm or shoulder or rubbed my back or whatever, I just viewed it as them "testing the waters". I was always free to say "No". And varied times, I
did say "No" or acted as though I was not receptive.
Know that not every man who wishes for physical intimacy with you (even if upon or after the first meeting or after a few or more times spent together) is out to abuse or hurt you physically or emotionally. We humans (or at least what we might reasonably describe as "healthful and normal humans") are just creatures who desire physical closeness and affection with those of the opposite-sex . . . just like a dog or cat (or even some other animals) likes to be stroked and rubbed or kissed or held just like a baby or child that wants to be held and shown affection. Some of us, if and when pursuing this, are perhaps just more classy in how we pursue it than others are. Again, it all comes down to
HOW the particular men in question asked you or pursued this hope or desire with you .and then
WHO exactly asked you (i.e., what type of person or personality, what kind of personal qualities they exemplified, what they were all about, how they expressed it to you). If a woman asks or seeks the same from
me, even if I simply say "No" or otherwise turn her down, I am
not offended by her asking me. Even if I don't find her appealing or am not in the frame of mind for it, I might step back from it and even feel flattered and appreciate that I have that kind of appeal that would make a woman go out of her way to put herself on the line and express this desire or hope to me. If
you are not receptive to it or not ready for it, simply say "No" or "not yet" or "let's take more time" or "it's somewhat too soon for me" or whatever else you feel it necessary to say.
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