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Old 12-16-2013, 11:27 AM
 
Location: San Diego
306 posts, read 588,580 times
Reputation: 262

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When I met my SO she was a bit overweight, borderline but I was still somewhat physically attracted to her and she had other attributes that completed the package so overall I was still happy. In addition she was into a fitness regimen and appeared to be losing weight. Over a period of 2 yrs she did lose some weight but seemed to gain it back but never exceeded the weight she was when I met her. Fast forward 2 yrs later, she has gained a good bit of weight (20-30 lbs over what she was when I met her) and the attraction is no longer there.

She is also on a trajectory of weight gain despite constant proclamations of "I need to lose weight" and "I am going to the gym" but that never seems to result in any weight loss.

Recently she met my parents and they were in shock about her weight and admonished me for choosing someone who is "twice my size"! They said I chose poorly and they don't approve. I am not the fittest person but at 5'7 145 I am not big at all (vs my GF who is 5'2 and almost 200 now). My parents are also very concerned and say that women tend to gain weight after marriage and if she is like this now what is going to happen after marriage? I think it's a valid point.

How do you talk about something like this without hurting her feelings? In the past I have not given her a hard time about her weight because I didn't want to hurt her and also believed she will take the initiative to make progress but I feel she is just using this as a license to gain.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:31 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
38,727 posts, read 29,137,102 times
Reputation: 36261
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrocket2 View Post

How do you talk about something like this without hurting her feelings?

You probably can't. You can do all the cook healthily together and work out together stuff, but the reality is that she has to want to change and make it a priority for her to change for her to actually change. It has to come from within her.

And working out is great, I do it a ton, but diet is the number one concern here.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:32 AM
 
236 posts, read 210,338 times
Reputation: 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrocket2 View Post
When I met my SO she was a bit overweight, borderline but I was still somewhat physically attracted to her and she had other attributes that completed the package so overall I was still happy. In addition she was into a fitness regimen and appeared to be losing weight. Over a period of 2 yrs she did lose some weight but seemed to gain it back but never exceeded the weight she was when I met her. Fast forward 2 yrs later, she has gained a good bit of weight (20-30 lbs over what she was when I met her) and the attraction is no longer there.

She is also on a trajectory of weight gain despite constant proclamations of "I need to lose weight" and "I am going to the gym" but that never seems to result in any weight loss.

Recently she met my parents and they were in shock about her weight and admonished me for choosing someone who is "twice my size"! They said I chose poorly and they don't approve. I am not the fittest person but at 5'7 145 I am not big at all (vs my GF who is 5'2 and almost 200 now). My parents are also very concerned and say that women tend to gain weight after marriage and if she is like this now what is going to happen after marriage? I think it's a valid point.

How do you talk about something like this without hurting her feelings? In the past I have not given her a hard time about her weight because I didn't want to hurt her and also believed she will take the initiative to make progress but I feel she is just using this as a license to gain.
The bolded has nothing to do with a plan to actually do something about it, and everything with fishing for compliments and trying to get you to "let her off the hook." Example: "Awwww, you don't need to do anything, hun. I love you just the way you are. {insert puppy dog eyes}."

5'2" 200# is ENORMOUS. If you were only marginally attracted to her before, it's not going to get any better. Your parents are right to be concerned, she's in "going to eventually be diabetic" range.

Abort mission!!!!
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:33 AM
 
2,087 posts, read 2,526,290 times
Reputation: 1542
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrocket2 View Post
When I met my SO she was a bit overweight, borderline but I was still somewhat physically attracted to her and she had other attributes that completed the package so overall I was still happy.
Good for you.

It's so rare that I read this kind of post here.

I think, unfortunately, being that size at that weight can come with a host of health issues, including heart disease and failure. And it's not a joke.

So, that is how to bring it up.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 668,470 times
Reputation: 249
Quote:
Originally Posted by redrocket2 View Post
When I met my SO she was a bit overweight, borderline but I was still somewhat physically attracted to her and she had other attributes that completed the package so overall I was still happy. In addition she was into a fitness regimen and appeared to be losing weight. Over a period of 2 yrs she did lose some weight but seemed to gain it back but never exceeded the weight she was when I met her. Fast forward 2 yrs later, she has gained a good bit of weight (20-30 lbs over what she was when I met her) and the attraction is no longer there.

She is also on a trajectory of weight gain despite constant proclamations of "I need to lose weight" and "I am going to the gym" but that never seems to result in any weight loss.

Recently she met my parents and they were in shock about her weight and admonished me for choosing someone who is "twice my size"! They said I chose poorly and they don't approve. I am not the fittest person but at 5'7 145 I am not big at all (vs my GF who is 5'2 and almost 200 now). My parents are also very concerned and say that women tend to gain weight after marriage and if she is like this now what is going to happen after marriage? I think it's a valid point.

How do you talk about something like this without hurting her feelings? In the past I have not given her a hard time about her weight because I didn't want to hurt her and also believed she will take the initiative to make progress but I feel she is just using this as a license to gain.
At her weight its a health thing and I'd say that's a good way to start working on her about it. She's not overweight she's fat, or if you want to be PC she's obese. Get her on a diet for her own health. Maybe you can go to the gym with her at some point and start getting into some sort of personal fitness kick as once you start working out and have been for a while you want to keep working out.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,923 posts, read 9,889,209 times
Reputation: 13046
Three things; think heart disease, adult onset diabetes and this is only going to get worse, and that is just the tip of the ice berg. So many people make this choice that it's hard to offer advice or encouragement.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 668,470 times
Reputation: 249
Quote:
Originally Posted by JJS99 View Post
Good for you.

It's so rare that I read this kind of post here.

I think, unfortunately, being that size at that weight can come with a host of health issues, including heart disease and failure. And it's not a joke.

So, that is how to bring it up.
Good for him for what? I really don't like this line of thinking, that people that supposedly don't care about looks are somehow better than those that say they are attracted to what is normally found attractive. You can't really change what you're attracted to and apparently for him he doesn't mind a little fat, whereas someone like me would take a "butterface" over a fatty any day of the week.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:43 AM
 
896 posts, read 1,037,236 times
Reputation: 1283
I would broach the subject by bringing up your long term goals. If you do see yourself marrying her and staying a family, her obesity will have very negative effects on her conception and delivery of a child. Maybe you can set goals together, go to the gym with her, and prepare better meals together. Is there a hardship you can endure in return?
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Miami/ Washington DC
4,836 posts, read 10,780,170 times
Reputation: 2545
5'2 200lbs. That's morbidly obese. Forget about attraction she needs to be worried about her health. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm sure there are things that are great about here but 5'2 200lbs... You should bring it up and talk about her health and nothing else.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 92,384,447 times
Reputation: 40032
Quote:
Originally Posted by InternetTroll View Post
So your advice makes no sense then. He still wants to be with her, just not the extra 70 pounds she's carrying around.
And what if, God forbid, the first year they are married she is diagnosed with MS and is wheelchair bound?

Or in a house fire and is burned over 75% of her body - including her face and head where hair will never grow again?

He DOESN'T "really want to be with her" UNLESS she fits his physical requirements, and that's his choice.

But my "advice" to him was to break it off now because his love for her has conditions, and these conditions are setting the relationship up for failure.
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